shopping.........

so we went shopping today, spending Christmas money from relatives, actually, we didn't go all together like usual, Nathan and Geoff went together earlier, cuz they were gonna go see TSO, sooooo jealous! then Mom, Sarah, Hannah, and i went later, and then Sarah met up wid her bf and they went to see TSO!!!!! but anyway, we went to the cutest place ever! this Evergreen Walks place, kinda like an outdoor mall! so adorable! music playing outside as you walk down the street to each shop, i just loved it! and i had Coldstone Creamery icecream for the first time, that was fun! anyway, we started off looking for a dress for Sarah, for her Junior recital, and i started looking at dresses just for fun, but when we went to the Buckland mall, i ended up finding a dress that i fell n love with, and actually bought! (heehee, actually, then Sarah fell in love with it too, and got one of her own! =) ) so now i have my very first dress! well....... ok, so i've had dresses before, but not since i was like, 10...... this is my first real real dress, and it is absolutely gorgeous! thing is..... i won't get to wear it for a while....... *bummed* cuz, i don't have like banquets or proms or formals or any of that stuff...... so i haveta wait til i have a senior recital. bah. but it makes me excited nonetheless. i'm gonna have to get a picture taken at some point.... maybe.... and put it up...... maybe...... hehehe! still don't like pictures of me tho....... yahrrr, but it's so gorgeous! maybe i'll take a pic of just the dress, bwuahaha! heeeeeee, that would be sooo funny! i should do that! haaaaa! well anyway, i should go to bed. i'm getting a cold, and the past two mornings have woken up with almost no voice, and it's like i lost the upper octave and gained a lower one, so everytime i'd laugh, all that wold come out would be this funny squeak, so therefore, Nathan would try to make me laugh as much as possible, meh. and i have a monstrous headache right now, prolly from being in noisy malls all day...... and, well, and, ha, yeah, because i had another seizure..... and i seem to get headaches after them....... can't wait till next week, get to increase the dosage on the new meds, that should help. ok, going to bed now, no one's online.... no one wants to talk with me.... poo....... people just aren't ever online when i am..... at least not that often. saddening....

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"it's the most wonderful time of the year!" me been having fun, absolutely love Christmas time, it's just amazing, even tho we still have not gotten any snow.... it just doesn't seem like it's really Christmas without snow.... but then again, i hate the cold, and am sooooo amazingly happy it's staying in the high 40's and even the 50's! so we had relatives over Friday and that was fun, but it was also the first time i can remember having them over here, we always go to my grandparents house. then yesterday was work, and even tho it was absolutely insane there, i had a ton of fun. Nancy let me wear my hat!!! absolutely everyone loved it, ALL my customers talked to me about it, it was such fun. the thing is, we're not really supposed to say "Christmas" at work, no rule against it, just we not really supposed to, it's kinda understood that we're supposed to say something about happy holiday, cuz you don't know what the customer celebrates, and that was hard to get used to, but whenever a customer would make it a point to tell me Merry Christmas, it made me so happy and i'd respond very enthusiastically with a Merry Christmas to you too!

ok, so, the thing i was going to write about yesterday, but didn't get a chance to use the computer, it's not actually perfectly true now. i was on a roll, hadn't had a seizure since last Sat., but i felt a little weird at one point Fri., but that was all, but darn it, everything got messed up yesterday, ruined my nice long streak, and i had one. not as bad as usual, but still..... grr. i used to have several a week, so it was really really nice to go a week without.

well anyway, Merry Christmas you guys! eat lots an lots of food.... and of course way more chocolate than you ever need, cuz that's what you're supposed to do, everybody knows that ;D

this town's always gonna think i'm a little crazy/ somebody's always gonna try to label me insane/ funny how i always seem to be the one who's crazy/ i just wanna live, i don't wanna fit/ if that makes me crazy, then i am

yes!

ha! i am free! hahaha! finally got someone to take my shift for tomorrow. the problem is, we don't answer our phone, and it's really annoying. the phone rings allll day long, but people just don't like to leave messages, and i don't blame them! i don't either! alarm clocks, answer machines, and cameras = most evil things ever! but anyway, at least i got the shift filled, i guess my mom was expecting a call from someone else and actually picked up the phone, Monique had been calling me like all day. when i go in on saturday, i am totally going to bring in my wacky twisted santa hat and beg Nancy to let me wear it. she'd let me too, cuz she likes me. somehow, i've become like her favorite there, i really don't know how or why. she always smiles and says hi to me, always glad to see me, doesn't do that with many people. she let's me get away with things, like even when i'm supposed to be on register, she let's me turn off my light and run off to do a price check for someone, when really, a service clerk is supposed to do that and cashiers aren't allowed to leave their registers. and last nite, it was 1/4 of 7, when i was supposed to leave, and usually, i shut my light off 5 minutes before i'm supposed to leave, so i can finish the people in my line and clean my register. well anyway, 1/4 of, Nancy calls out to me to shut my light off, i glance at the clock on my register, stupid military time, will i never get used to it? almost shut my light off, but then call out to Nancy and say but i still have 15 minutes.... she says, i know, shut your light off, by the time you finish that order and clean up it will be 7. ha, yeah, it totally did not take me 15 minutes to finish and clean, more like 8..... so i went and bagged until my shift was done. thing is, she never tells anyone else to shut their lights off.... so why tell me.... it's kinda weird, but i'm not complaining..... it's just not a normal feeling for me. anyway, goodnite all, me is tired, and me is on a roll. just what it is i shall tell you.... on saturday, providing it keeps up. haha! take that! more elusive talk! i'm so bad, why do i always do that? this time tho, it's a good thing, not anything bad i don't want to say. (btw, the clock on this is never right...... and it keeps changing..... at least it seems that way..... no matter what time it says it is, it's really 10:00 right now, it's always behind.... but the amount by which it is varies.)

bah!

this is not good, me is scheduled for work tomorrow..... but we're having relatives over for Christmas.... and i can't get anyone to respond to me about taking the shift.... i have two maybes.... but they won't call me back or answer their phones!!!! grawr. not good. and it's not like i can just drive myself over to Big Y and talk to people there...... darn it. mom's giving lessons, so she can't drive me, Sarah's watching Superman Returns.... LOVE that movie!!! she hasn't seen it yet, so i can't ask her to take me. this is just not good. poo. but anyway.... had a fun day at work yesterday, as usual. i wore these jingle bell earrings and had sooo much fun with them! made many people laugh, and it was great. boo, can't focus. time to resort to lyrics.... hahaha!
never let nobody know me/ never let nobody dare/ never let somebody hold me/ long enough for me to care/.....
never let my guard down easy/ never let myself let go/ i never knew the reason why/ i never let my feelings show/.....
i never let nobody touch me/ never let nobody try/ i never let somebody move me/ deep enough to make me cry/....
i was strong and independent/ i never needed anyone/ i thought i had it all together/.....
sometimes i wanna run/ sometimes i feel just like a fool/.....

once again i just can't get it straight/ wondering if wandering is my fate/ but don't lose hope in me quite yet/ cause help must be on the way, any day/....

updating for the sake of updating

contrary to my nature, i don't really have anything to say right now. but i know, as soon as i find something to talk about, i'll get going and go forever, haha! so anyway... me is messed up right now, kinda. little confused about something, because i'm clueless, i really am. i just need help, meh. but i can't talk about that. i know i know, then why'd i even bring it up, ha, cuz i'm like that. and i've not been sleeping well..... and when i do, i have really weird dreams. ha, pretty similar dreams actually. i have a weird mind... but you all know that already! hehe! Ahhhhhhh! yess!!!!!!! finally found this overture i've been searching and searching for with no luck! it's a Rossini overture we're doing in NEMFA, on the music it says: Ouverture zur Oper „Die diebische Elster, and i could not find it anywhere! itunes didn't have anything that looked like that, nothing on the web had it except things in german that i can't understand anyway, and i couldn't find it translated in english anywhere, and then, wickipedia didn't even have it! i was going crazy!!!! i finally tried just individual words, and i found Elster, that is a Magpie! hahaha! so now i have found it, and bought it, and am listening to it right now, the Thieving Magpie Overture, and boy is it fun! i'm having trouble following along with my music and typing, poo. i'll have to follow along later and just listen right now. oh gosh i'm so tired, very glad my shift today is only four hours, i could not take a six hour one now. oh! i just found out that my boss is leaving in january, the one that started like in october, or maybe it was august. everyone hated her at first, she was called the witch behind her back, but i've grown to appreciate her more and more and i like her now, she really is nice and fun, you just have to get used to her. but anyway, she hates this store and doesn't want to work here anymore, and is leaving us. that's gonna make me sad.... but actually, when i think about it, i won't be working very much in jan. or feb. all my college visits will get in the way, darn it! i'll miss my Big Y!!!!!! AH, there is a headless..... armless... angel lying on this desk.... that was startling. aw, poor thing, it's broked..... haha, looks like the head was previously re-glued, and broke again. sad. it's one of the Willow Tree angels, if any of you know them, they're pretty interesting. absolutely no facial features at all, just this totally blank head, but it doesn't really look bad. anyway. haha, enough about the angel. oh my gosh, guess what we're having for Christmas dinner on friday when relatives come! we are having pizza! isn't that the craziest thing ever? i was like pizza?? for Christmas?? when my Grandma makes the most wonderful food, and we do a lot of cooking too, and we're having pizza??? at least on Christmas day we're having a turkey, which is good, cuz we did not have one for Thanksgiving, i was bummed about that. ok, anyway, i must go now, work to do.

ok, time to actually write about something

alright, so i promised i'd write about it, so here goes. most of you know now, maybe all of you, i really don't know exactly who all reads this, but i have epilepsy, had an operation 8 years ago to remove a brain tumor that was causing me to have seizures, and was kept on meds for a while after to make sure it was under control, see, they couldn't get all the tumor then, the way it was and with the technology they had. well anyway, couple years and i was able to stop taking the meds cuz there was no change and i was fine. that is, until a couple years ago, i started having seizures again for no apparent reason, and had to go back on meds. thing is, they only worked for a little while this time, and then they just weren't controlling the seizures, and i was having them still, even when we upped the meds a lot. so then, to the present, we switched insurances recently, and had to get a new neurosurgeon and neurologist. the neurosurgeon is the one who has been finding everything out and giving us all the good information, and the neurologist is just stupid, really. see, even i know that my body just isn't responding to the meds anymore, i've just been on them too long, the neurosurgeon even said that, but the neurologist, whose job it is to know these things and take care of them, just doesn't seem to get it. see right now, i'm taking a very high dose of medication, like really high, i take, well, i took 1000 mg everyday, and he was like that's a really high dose, we really don't want to go any higher to try and control it, if we go any higher, there'd be a high risk of side effects........ let's go higher! and now i'm taking 1200 mg a day. i'm just like, what the heck! you just said it would be bad, we don't want to go there, and then turned around and said to go higher, you really just don't know what you're doing, what i need to do is switch meds, seriously. well anyway, my neurosurgeon had my Mom bring in all my old films, from back right after my surgery. that's when we finally found everything out. see, my tumor is such a slow growing tumor that when you compare the latest film to the one 6 months before or even a year before, you can't see any change, but when compared to 8 years ago, yeah..... it's a grown a lot. i have to have another surgery now, but the good thing is that in 8 years, technology has advanced quite a bit, and now they'll be able to remove all of it so this won't happen again. there's like this computer machine thing that helps in some way... not sure how, it's called the Symphony tho, so that's cool. and then, because of the type of tumor, there's almost no way they can get all of it, just because it has so many tiny tiny "fingers" spreading out, which is why they couldn't get it all last time, but with the new machine thing they can get even up to 99%, and then do radiation to get the rest. they had talked about doing radiation last time too, but at that point, technology was such that they'd have to radiate the whole head, now they can isolate specific regions and radiate just there, so now they can def get all of it. which is a very good prospect for me. anyway, that's actually not going to happen for a while, there's just no time to fit it in right now, i have a bunch of auditions coming up, and the way they're set up, there's not enough time between them to have surgery and recover before auditioning, so i have to wait till after those, but then March, after auditions, i have a retreat and NEMFA, so it would have to be after that, and then April 1st, (Palm Sunday, and i'm not joking!) is our Easter cantata, which like the Christmas one we just did, will be an original work by Mr. Shaw, and will be the premier performance, so i really want to do that too. ha, but i just found out that he would like to have two performances, and i don't know when the other is, so really, i might have to wait even longer, and still be recovering during my birthday! since it's going to be so long until then, my Mom talked with the neurologist, and convinced him to get me on a different medication, so right now i am beginning the long process of weaning off one and gradually increasing the other. well........... enough of that. the cantata was sooo much fun yesterday! i love singing it, and we had such a huge audience! the church was absolutely packed, we even had people up in the choir loft! i just loved it, course it wasn't perfect, but i enjoyed it so much! hahaha, you know what i just found out today........ hahahahahahahaha! oh gosh, a week from today is Christmas...... and i seriously did not realize it was that soon! sad, i know, but really, i'm a pretty clueless person, i really am. ok, well, i have practicing to do. and then i'm gonna watch a chick flick, hehehe! (seriously, you gotta love a good chick flick, really, and yes, every guy should see at least one! and no, it is not an oxymoron =P)

new song!

heck yes!!!!! just listen to it guys! you could even scroll down and watch the vid, that choir is like, monstrous! this is now my all time favorite version of the Hallelujah Chorus, just sooooo incredibly fun! haha! so i'm having a good day so far. mom left the house at like, 7:45 and still is not back......... hehe, you know what that means HAHA! well, ok, so i have actually been working, but, yeah..... hehe, i also watched Batman Begins, love that movie! i just love all those superhero people, they're just amazing, Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Wolverine, all dem guys. MY SISTER IS COMING HOME TONITE!!!!! can. not. wait! but darn her, *pout*, she's going on a date wid her bf, so won't be home till really late..... i'm more important, gosh! haha, ok, not really...... and anyway, she'll be living with me, in my room, so i'll see her plenty. weekend's gonna be fun, dress rehearsal for the cantata tomorrow, we gonna have a pizza party afterward, funness! THEN, i gots the rest of the day to spend with my Sarah! and Sunday is the cantata, yesss! hope someone comes to that... other than all that...... so nemfa........ i didn't do so well with my audition... but it wasn't really all that bad, actually, and than my adjudicator was saying all these nice things about me, and she really liked it, so i was kinda hopeful, until i got my stuff in the mail the other day, and she marked me really really badly! i seriously only barely made it in! like, one point lower and i wouldn't be in it! at least i'm in, but i'm kinda mad at her. everyone in the world placed higher than me, and it's kinda depressing.... i mean, i know i did better than last year, i was 6th chair first, and i know i didn't deserve that then, my adjudicator was really nice and scored me higher than i deserved, but now i'm one of the last couple people....... grr. at least it's some good music, and we get to go to Boston. not like we get to see any of it, we'll be practicing. anyhow, just remembered! Eragon comes out in theatres tonite!!!! that's exciting! must go see that! have soo many friends that want to see it, should try to get a group together. but actually, that would be kinda hard to do, people are really busy this time of year. meh. well at least i can go with some family members, and maybe a couple others will be able to come too. long time ago, well... ok.... so maybe like a year ago, but hey, that can be a long time! me and a friend started planning how we would go together at midnite, opening nite, ha, not happening now. oh well. it's gonna be awesome! LOVE the books, can't wait for the third one, hope they did a good job with the movies. anyway, i'm really really hungry, and all my sentences are like really choppy for some reason.

let's write something...... but what.....

life is annoying......... it really is. not going to talk about something yet, cuz i don't think my sis knows, and don't want her to find out by reading this, rather tell her. so i'll be open about it later, like the weekend, or later. other than that, this family is falling apart. literally. things finally exploded yesterday........ Nathan's determined to leave the house, and things are extremely tense. mom starts yelling at the littlest things, and starts ranting about how we don't appreciate her, and all the things she does for us.... and boy, i had the most lovely car ride to work..... *cough cough* but see, then i forgot all about it while i was there, i always have fun there, but then i had to get in the car again to get home.... ha. sometimes wish i could just stay at work, like all day. it was actually pretty quiet today. sad, sorta. haha, i got ribbed by a couple people about how i eat so very healthy on break don't i..... hahaha, yeah.... like chocolate... and more chocolate.... i'm gonna buy some lettuce next time, i seriously will! good healthy yummy stuff..... not filling, but good and healthy, so there! oh, haha, when i went on my break, talked for a second with a friend, who was standing in front of the bathrooms, but that fact did not click until i came back from break and he was still standing there, and then i noticed toilet paper in is hand, and was like wait..... hahaha, he was waiting to clean the ladies room, but every time one came out, another would go in, hehe, and he was stuck waiting, but then this little old lady came out, he looks around, big smile, cuz no other girls headed that way, asks her if anyone else was in there, there wasn't, so he runs in to clean it before another female came. anyway.... can't wait for the cantata Sunday... dress rehearsal Saturday should be fun, and there's gonna be pizza afterward, that's always good. ok, enough trying to make my mind focus on anything.

interesting day

so, left the house at 9 this morning, and only came home in time to shower and leave again at 2:30, and then got in in time to leave again with my Mom for the store. i had a violin lesson this morning, and then i doctor appointment, which i do not really want to write about yet, don't want to think about it yet, because then i might break down. but i will have to soon, i promise i'll write about it as soon as i can. that took the longest of my day, then after i showered, i left for Emma's grandparent's house, where her grandma was having a little party for us, there was Emma, Leta, Carrie, and me, and it was amazing fun! i love them so much! such goooooood food! then when i came home, turned around and did some Christmas shopping, of which i still have a lot to do. anyway, this is really short, but i don't want to write more now.

audition.....

just had my NEMFA audition today..... scary. but really, actually it wasn't that bad. oh it was so exciting tho! i get to the school, and of course the second i walk in the door i'm feeling lost, that's just how i get when i enter a school. but anyway, my Dad stops and goes, Gail! i stop, and look to my right, and there is Mrs. Reynolds sitting at a table there!!!! i was so amazingly excited! she had started saying hi to my Dad when she saw me and says, oh you are getting a hug! tells me how cute i looked, asked how i was doing, all that. i told her how sad i was she wasn't coming back to camp next year...... man i've missed her! at least i'll prolly see her at NEMFA. (if i get in) my audition wasn't as good as it could have been, but it wasn't too bad either i guess, my adjudicator liked it anyway. that's what counts, lol. yeah, after me and my little sis were done and leaving, we stopped to talk with Mrs. Reynolds again, and she asked what i had played, and when i told her Wieniawski's 2nd concerto, she goes oh bless you child, it's pretty much one big cadenza from the moment you start playing! oh i always hated Wieniaw- oops, i mean..... hahaha, i love her! anyway..... kinda dreading, but also can't wait to find out how i did. so yeah, that was today. not really anything happened, did some major cleaning of my room, like actually washing the walls....... it was crazy..... and practiced for tomorrow nite....... still cannot believe i'm singing....... oh gosh, just remembered, i have soooo much Christmas shopping to do! it's not such a simple thing now, i was looking forward to just going any time i wanted to basically, but now i can't, have to wait until my Mom can drive me, meh. i really miss driving myself, just that freedom. but anyway. had a good orchestra concert Friday nite, and now i'm really really looking forward to next semester, great music coming!!! and more friends joining, yay! wow, just found out, tomorrow is gonna be insane, church in the morning, come home to eat, then leave for my Dad's concert, this Acapella group he's in, then we'll stop somewhere to eat, and go to church again for the Christmas program..... so once i'm up, it's pretty much non-stop. well, got more stuff to do before going to bed, so i must get off. will write more interesting stuff later.

labels

well, i was really really really really bored......... like seriously....... i've been on here for hours, nothing to do.... could go practice, should go practice, but haven't, and anyway, i just added labels to some of my more recent posts. i'll go thru the rest later and add more then. but anyway, don't know if they really matter or make a difference, but they're there all the same. haha, oh yeah, i also hid a bunch of posts back there, in case anyone ever goes back and wonders what happened to them. but yeah, anyway, 'ats all. i guess. meh, kinda confused a little about something right now, don't really know what's going on or what to do, and i hate being cryptic like this, and i know you guys don't like it, so i'll stop now.

wow!

yesterday was insane........... ok, so in a way, it started on Tuesday, see, i was scheduled to be a service clerk for the last part of my shift, and it was seriously cold, therefore, i decided to buy some gloves whilst on my break, in case i went out to do carriages. got a friend to help me find where the heck we sold gloves....... in a grocery store....... finally found them tho. middle of the frozen foods, if you wanted to know =P so anyway, i didn't actually go do carriages, cuz apparently, girls aren't allowed to after dark, good thing i guess, but i was disappointed. but anyway, i had put my coat in the bag with my gloves, stupid, and when it was time to leave, i pull my coat out and put it on as i walk out the door, get home, and realize my gloves are no longer in the bag....... musta pulled out with my coat...... and were still at Big Y. errrrr. i went in early today to go to the courtesy booth and see if they maybe had my gloves. they actually did! so i walk thru the store to go put them in my locker, which i had previously visited to deposit my violin and backpack in, and stop to talk with the friend who had helped me find the gloves the nite before. well. the stupid stalker was in the store, didn't see me, but i saw him looking for me down at the registers, and i hid behind my friend, and told him about the guy. he let me know when he was gone, and then said, see, there was a reason you forgot your gloves, so you wouldn't be on register when he came! but anyway, i was so happy that i had missed him, thought i was all set for the day........ except he came in again during my last hour....... rawr! i asked the guy bagging for me if he knew how to cashier, he didn't, so i called Nancy (my boss) over, and told her about him, she asked where he was right now, in the store? i glanced behind me and saw him in my line! he seriously comes in to grab like two things, that he prolly doesn't need, so he can go thru my line! so i told her he was in my line right then, guy on the end, blue coat, so she tells me to leave and she'll cashier for me. i went from my register, number 1, all the way down to number 10 to bag! after a while, Austin, the guy bagging on my lane, came and told me i could come back now. Nancy said that guy was not too happy, just took the money out of her hand just like that. said if he ever comes back, let her know. she starts to walk away, then turns and leans toward me and whispers, "I'll kick his but!" Austin told me that as i walked away, his eyes were following me. *shudder* creep! like ten minutes later, Jay comes in to get a muffin, and Austin tells him about it, Jay asks, where is he? is he here? where is he? i'll beat him up, where does he live? i'll go smash his car, graffiti his lawn! i was like Jay, do you really think i'm gonna ask him where he lives....... but he made me feel better, but then he and Austin started teasing me and picking on me....... boys...... i don't really mind, but i pretend to be mad.... except i don't think they believe me. poo. haha, i was trying to convince Jeff that i had a bazooka in the case, not a violin, and he totally does not believe me, he's like, what are ya gonna do, music me to death? i'm like oh come on! you don't know, i could really have a gun in here, and no one knows, they don't even question me! he says, you don't really seem the type. i'm like, how do you know??? i could really be the horrible, festering, wicked person, and no one knows, you believe my nice face too easily! grr, but then he starts "making fun" of me, being all bouncy and laughing and smiling and like, heeheehee, i have a gun, heeheehee, lookit, i'm gonna shoot you, heeheeheee.......... rawr.... brat....... lol, i have too much fun, really, i love that place so much! but yeah, it was crazy, and then i went to orchestra, dress rehearsal for concert on Friday...... concert that is keeping me from going to Youth Group...... again. meh. but it's gonna be fun, some good music, three concerto winners, pretty insane stuff! ahahaha! i'm listening to Bryan Adams right now, had one of his songs earlier, but have just decided i really like him! AH! he did the songs on Spirit i did not know that! i always liked the music for the movie! must buy soundtrack now. HA! oops, totally forgot, quite a while back now, i was gonna start being organized......... when i updated....... make things easier for people to read..... well, that hasn't happened. ah well, i need to go now, stuff to do. can't wait for Christmas! getting closer!!!!!

tired......

getting more sleep, which is good, but i'm still tired. so yesterday was this competition i do every year, this is like my 6th year doing it..... or something like that. i've never really like it..... the judges are very biased. but it's good i guess, good practice. anyway, this was my last year, and i guess my best year, just cuz there were a lot more people there i know. course the siblings who also competed, another friend who goes a lot, but this time, there were several people from Bach Academy, actually, two of them were from church, the other family i only know from B.A. they are sooo talented. i really don't mind being beaten by Sam, he's amazing, and i'm glad he gets to play with the orchestra and not me. so anyway...... we have a Christmas program being held at my church this Sunday nite, and......... i'm singing in it...... terrified........ haven't ever really sung in front of people before. then the next Sunday, oh gosh am i excited! next Sunday, the 17th, is the premiere performance of Mr. Shaw's Christmas Cantata!!!! so exciting!!!! man it's gonna be awesome! can't wait, it's really amazing. i'm going to invite sooo many people to it, i hope they come. ok, this is gonna have to be short, really have not been concentrating lately. one of the side effects of my meds is it makes me tired, and can affect my concentration. oho! like the new music! it gets annoying after a while, i'll have to change it again pretty soon.

pictures!

i just added two more pictures (finally!) to my picture blog! woot! of course tho, they're of the kitties......... i love them sooo much! they're absolutely adorable! but anyway, don't really have time for a long drawn out post like i usually do. lol. i'll just say i had sooo much fun being a service clerk today, 'twas awesome! a little hectic tho. left here at 1/4 after 6 in the morning for the barn, worked as fast as i could so i could rush home (well actually, my Dad was doing the driving, mrph) and i took a shower in record time and dashed off to Big Y to work! man i love doing carriages, even tho it's hard work, it's very satisfactory, and i'm outside in the fresh air, away from all the noisy customers. oho! i'm getting rumors of snow coming soon! i'm having mixed feelings about that. of course, i love snow, but still......... it has to be cold for there to be snow...... and i hate the cold. it's been like 60 all week now! love love love it! don't want it to act like it's really December, want to keep the warmth forever and ever. poo. anyway, one really good thing about being service clerk today, my stupid stalker was leaving the building when he saw me start bagging for register one, so he came back in to go get a few items, grr, and of course, came to that register. but, haha! i was service clerk, so i left and went to another register to bag, so there! ha! stupid guy, really really seriously needs to leave me alone! darn it, wanted to find the music video for one of my favorite Christmas songs ever, but there isn't one! meh. man, i really wanted to put that on here! it's "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" best song ever! it was totally my favorite last year, and even tho my parents had just got me my new violin, they got me this crazy CD that had that song on it, and they got a hippopotamus! ok ok, fine, not a real one...... AH! grr, i said i was gonna make this short, so i must stop babbling now! byeeee!

wow did things get busy!

so...... wasn't supposed to work today, but got a call yesterday from one of my supervisors, said a girl scheduled for today had been in a car accident, could i come work her shift for her? 6 hour shift....... love those........ ha, oh, and, it was on number 7........... my favorite. ehyah. no really tho, i had fun, i always do, i love that place. i'm just so happy when i'm there. (oh, for those of you wondering what is so bad about number 7, it's an express lane, i don't have the second belt to send the groceries down on, so i can't have a bagger help me, and i'm constantly busy, everybody always heads for the express lane.) but anyway, guess what i got!!!!! Josh, my supervisor who called, gave me a world class performance paper..... gold..... thing...... certificate..... thing...... hahaha, no idea what significance it has, but makes me happy anyway! oh but then, after he called me yesterday, i got a call from another guy who works there, asking me to please please take his shift for tomorrow. the crazy thing is, the shift starts at 11, and i don't usually get done with the barn work until then, but i was his last hope. so instead of leaving here at like 7:15 like usual, i'll leave at 6:15, and push myself faster, so i can rush home (father driving cuz i can't myself, grr) and shower so i don't smell of crap, and go to work. the exciting thing is, it's a service clerk shift!!!! i'm never a service clerk, always a cashier, it's gonna be fun! i just hope it's not pouring again.... won't be fun doing carriages in the rain. Matt was doing them today, and he got soaked to the knees, shirt absolutely drenched, shoes squeaking, it was aweful. but anyway. all those stupid applications are done and in......... i feel better...... but also not. cuz now i'm scared....... have to prepare for auditions. anyway. i been going to bed earlier, like a good girl, even earlier than 10:15, and it feels wonderful! only thing tho, most of the time between 9 and 11 is the best time to talk with people, online and phone. yahrrr! but i must stop now, watching Superman Returns, LOVE that movie!!!!!

doctors.......... stupid

hate my doctor right now........... i guess it's for the best, but i'm not happy about it.... and i don't like him for it right now........ i'll cool off shortly, i always do. says i can't drive anymore....... have to be in bed by 10:15, increase my meds, maybe add onther med on top......... rrrrrrrrrr

soooooo much going on

i have no idea where to even start. well...... kinda not sure what to do about something that i've been worrying about for a while. i know i'll have to do something at some point, but i'm kinda putting it off, cuz i don't know what to do. (ha, sorry, i know, i'm a very cryptic person. i should either come out and say what i mean, or not bother, cuz now you want to know what i mean, and i'm not saying, and now you're all frustrated........ hehe! =P) other than that....... this week has been insane! i had my violin on Tuesday instead of Monday like usual, so i left the house at 8:30 in the morning, after lesson went straight to work, then after work, i go outside, expecting to see my Dad sitting there waiting for me, and instead i see a friend from church whose kids take lessons from my Mom just pulling up. she tells me she's kidnapping me and to get in the car. i was like wha........ she says my Dad couldn't come get me and my Mom had met her at the door when she brought her kids for their lessons and asked if she could come get me. so she brought me home, i walk in and Mommy stops me and says she needs me to take her car and go get Daddy now. i was like what.... wait..... she says, oh she didn't tell you? no.......... Daddy got in an accident. wHaT???????? he's ok, he thinks, but the car is not. and she told me where he was, and i left to go get him. i was scared. she said he was ok, but i guess i didn't believe her at all. i turned my Christmas music up way loud as i drove to try and get my mind off it and cheer me up. i was expecting all kinds of flashing lights and stuff, even police officers keeping me from getting to him, just my overly dramatic mind i guess. but in actually, there was absolutely nothing there, Daddy was just standing out in the cold, by the road, all by himself. he had been there for an hour by the time i got there, he was freezing, and shaking, prolly at least partially from the shock still. but i still didn't get to go home, i had to stop by EO and pick up Nathan, which daddy would've done, but now i had to. (illegal!!!! hehe, i love breaking laws.........) then, i finally went home, but only to eat some supper and leave again! for a choir rehearsal, gosh this cantata is so cool! can't wait to perform it! you all, (well, those who can anyway) must come see/hear it! so that was Tuesday, now for yesterday. had work again, love work. ha, but oh my gosh! errrrrrrr! mean ol brat! hahahahahaha! well, someone knows how to tease me now, oh i was so *mad* at him! ha, did it so i'd be mad too. anyway....... stupid stalker........ came thru my line again....... waited for forever as usual, even when Naomi in front of me had an empty line, and called to him and said she could take him there, he just shakes his head and looks away. oh he makes me so uncomfortable! i'm really seriously getting scared of him! i was going to talk to Nancy, the head of the department, but she left, so i couldn't. i complained to a friend about how she left and i needed to talk with her, as i was getting ready to leave. he asks what i needed to see her for, told him i had a stupid stalker, who was starting to scare me, he says you can't fool around with something like that, and he calls Noah over, this great big guy, he's like the second in charge over the whole store, a big manager person, and he's really nice, but he can also be really scary i've heard. so i told him about the guy, and he was really nice, and said if he ever comes to my line again (ha! if, more like when) to call someone over and have them ring for me. problem is tho, it takes the supervisors soooo long to notice your light's blinking, they might not even be anywhere around, so it could very well be that the next time he comes, and i blink my light, i'd be done with him before someone came. and then, none of the other supervisors know about him, and i'd have to try and explain so they would help me. it's all so confusing and complicated. i just want a body guard to carry around with me...... wish i could take my big bro with me, he's such a hulky muscular figure, he'd scare him off! grr. seriously you guys, he does scare me! at first he seemed kinda nice, and it was just funny he happened to be in my line twice in one day, but now it's just really really disturbing and creepy, and i can't stand to see him! but i'm not working today, have a neurologist appointment to see what we can do, maybe change meds, so i got a friend to take my shift for me. and i don't have work the rest of this week. oh wow! just got next weeks schedule, only scheduled for two days, 10 hours total, that's kinda weird. well, i'm gonna go in today or tomorrow or sometime, and put in the book that i'm available, so anyone who needs someone to switch with can talk to me. oh yes!!! i get to be a service clerk for part of one of my shifts! awesome! anyway, i have done the very scary thing of sending in all my college apps......... and now am awaiting the auditions that will end my fate. terrified. ha, i have a competition coming this Sunday, been practicing so much for it, i might get to play my concerto with an orchestra, (just my hometown orch. no bigee, but still) but after practicing a while, i get so warm, have to remove some of the many layers i wear to try and keep my cold-blooded self warm, and my hand, my left hand, gets so warm, no, not warm, hot. it seriously radiates heat, you don't have to touch it to know it's hot, just hover above it and you will feel it. it gets sore, it's kinda tense right now, trying to relax it, but not really working. it's weird. ok, long enough, need to stop talking. such a bad habit..... i talk too much, i ramble, and it gets boring and annoying. i don't do it so much i guess when i'm actually taking with people, cuz i'm still rather self-conscious, altho i've really been getting better. ok, ok, shutting up now. can't believe you actually read all that.... or did you......? hahahaha!

YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i am loving the christmas music on the radio allll the time, but yesterday, oh my gosh, you will never believe what i heard! for you guys who know me long enough, you understand:

santa must be Polish/ he's jolly as can be/ riding on his sleigh/ with gifts for you and me/ santa must be Polish, all dressed in red and white/ slippin down the chimney while you're asleep at night/
(chorus half in Polish)
santa must be Polish/ he's such a merry man/ bringing lots of toys/ to every one he can/ one things he's demanding, and he wants it understood/ he'll only bring you presents if you've been very good/
(chorus half in Polish 2x)

the whole thing had this polka feel to it, it was awesome!!!!! Bobby Vinton did that song, but he chose not to disclose the lyrics, so i can't get them from anywhere, i really want the Polish one's in the chorus cuz i can't figure them out just by listening to them. mrph. but oh man, it made me so happy! i was going into Big Y to find someone to take a shift for me, and i'm bouncing and laughing and bubbly, humming this song to myself cuz it was playing as i pulled into the parking lot, and people were just like, what is wrong with you? well..... ok.... so maybe they're like that anyway...... hahaha! i can't help it, i really do love Big Y, i love working there, i love being there, i love the people, it's just awesome. oh gosh, i had four different people notice my socks, and it was always in this order; they would notice how colorful my toes were, and then the fact that i was wearing flip flops, and then, hahaha, the fact that they don't match! oh it was great! but anyway..... i really do love that place, it's basically the only social time i get, i mean like, the only other time i'm with people, would be on Sunday, and that's not really social time, that's a worship service and Sunday school, so i don't really get to do more than just "see" my friends. i need to go to Youth Group again......... can't go again this Sat. cuz it's a special thing, babysitting kids so parents can go Christmas shopping, and it starts at like 9:30 in the morning, and i'm usually at the barn until about 11. darn it. but i've allready asked for the day off at work for the next meeting, which i can not remember exactly when it is right now, but i've got it written down somewhere. anyway...... i'm in a really good mood right now, not exactly sure why, but that's ok. maybe it's just from thinking about yesterday, and listening to my Polish santa song right now, hehe! i'm too easily amused, haha, i should be practising right now..... meh..... my mind has blanked, i think i'll go and practice now, maybe write some more later. bye yall!

worried...... well, ok, i'll admit it, scared

ok, so yesterday really wasn't so bad at all. i absolutely love my grandparents and my great aunt and my aunt and uncle and cousin. i wish my other cousin could've come, but he couldn't. but they really made things feel better, there was still a little tension at first, but they are all such jokesters things relaxed pretty quickly. but anyway...... so something happened in the middle of the day that scared me. and seriously, i don't really scare that easily, i tend to downplay things, and things may worry me, but i don't really get scared too often. maybe that's a weakness of mine, i don't know, but this does scare me....... and i just can't talk about it with people...... i don't know why, specially cuz most everyone who reads this knows already. well...... ok.... let me think..... everyone except one. that i know of anyway. my sister knows, duh, don't know if her bf reads, prolly not, but he prolly knows something about it, Datsrerdly knows at least a little, in any case, i've mentioned it a few times, another friend who reads, i've told her a few times...... so only one other doesn't know...... i think.... and i'm a wuss, so i've never talked about it, but i need to. if you know who you are, next time i talk with you, make me tell you, don't let me pass it over. but of course i'm not going to say anything on here about it... cuz that's the stupid way i am. but because of it, my parents have softened up toward me, which is good. i guess. grr. i actually need to finish up, i have like half an hour to eat something and get ready to go to work. working another 6 hour shift, which i don't really like, but this time it will (hopefully) not be as busy as the other two days i worked this week. oh yeah, forgot, the clock on my site is messed up, i don't know what time it says i'm posting this, it seems to change every time, but it's really just after 11, i work from 12-6, grr, need that time to practice....

whoooooo, oh gosh.......

why is it, just when i'm getting really happy, things happen to make things bad? i've been getting along great, finally finding my place, actually having a social life, making friends, feeling like i fit in. and then things kinda crumble. course, i can't really talk much about it.... cuz that's just the way i am....... and it's personal.... family stuff. grr...... and my parents are yelling in the background...... and making me very upset..... they just spent forever "talking" with me about all the things they're not happy with me about, all the things they don't like about me, every thing i'm not perfect in, every single flaw i have, making me feel like dirt. they are considering making me quit my job, which i don't know how i'd live if that happened, my job is the only way i have of getting out of this house, staying sane, being with people, i don't think i'd live without it. they were also talking about not allowing me to use the phone too. seriously tho, not like i really do that much at all. i really don't. i'm lucky if i get to talk on the phone with some one once in a day, it's more like i only talk on the phone a couple times a week. and i don't want to give those few times up either. i really really really don't like when things get like this...... tension has been building up for so long, and it's bursting now, the day before Thanksgiving........ this is gonna be lovely........ i really don't see how tomorrow is going to be a pleasant day. i really hope i can just hide away somewhere with my cousin and my brother. you know what, i'm going to bed right now. i don't want to deal with this all, i just want to sleep thru it all and wake up when everyone's beyond it all. everything good and happy again as it should be......... ha, just used spell check, and it's kinda obvious how upset i am, basically every other word was messed up.

ha, busy........

soooo much going on right now, it's crazy! i had to go out to West Hartford yesterday for my violin lesson, and then to a Doctor appointment in Hartford (hate doctors.............. ech) and then, hehe, i had a hair cut in the afternoon, and i'm having a lot of fun now! i also did some errands for my Mom. but now today is gonna be even busier, not really cuz i'm gonna be doing so much, it's just that i'm working a 6 hour shift, and considering it's two days before Thanksgiving, we are gonna be swamped, same tomorrow, it's gonna be crazy. i heard we're gonna have all 13 registers open, insane, and i guess they're just gonna go down the line giving 15 minute breaks in order of the registers, so it doesn't really matter when you get there, you could be there for only half and hour or so and get your break! but anyway, it'll be fun....... and crazy. haha, today, i'm gong to the post office, and i'm going to send a surprise package to a friend! i can't wait to find out her reaction! ohhhh man is she gonna love it! i love surprising people! i love sneaking up on people at work, it's so great! hahahaha, people at work are discovering how to tease me........ it's really fun! the other day, i was on break at the same time as a friend from another department, so when we both got up to leave, i straighten my chair, and i walk around the table, cuz i have to to get out of the room right, so i'm going around it anyway, so i fix the chairs as i pass them, make them straight (i don't know why, but this is where my Dad lost it when i was telling him this) and when i got to the other side of the table, my friend was just looking at me with this look that said, what is wrong with you, he couldn't believe what he was seeing i guess. i say it looks better now, and then notice a chair on the other side i hadn't gotten, it was before the point that i started fixing. i was going to just leave it, but it was bugging me, so i went around to fix it, and immediately, my friend jumps into action and messes up all the chairs and leaves! grrrrr! made me mad! well, ok, not really....... but that was mean! there are so many other stories from work, but i don't have time, and actually, they're prolly not very interesting to any of you, since you don't know the people. i need to get some work done now before i leave.

you've got a way with me/ somehow you got me to believe/ in everything that i could be/ i've gotta say.... you really got a way
you've got a way it seems/ you gave me faith to find my dreams/ you'll never know just what that means....
you've got a way with words/ you get me smiling even when it hurts..........
it's just the way you are

ouch

hey guess what happened to me today guys! i got bit! grrrrrrr, stupid mean ol brat horse......... the one who always eats my hood, and my hair, and is just a trouble maker, he bit me, and it really hurts! even tho it was thru three layers, it's still really bruised now, and painful. ok this is creeping me out...... i'm like, seeing bits of the Matrix as i'm on here, and it's not making sense, and i'm getting really creeped..... ahhhhhhhhhh! i don't understand it! (yeah, for those of you wondering, i've never seen it before) oh my gosh, what the heck! i don't get it.......... meh. anyway. i had a fun day at work today, i love how people are getting to know me enough to tease me and mess around with me! it's awesome! oh dear, but i'm getting so incredibly freaked out! there's this customer at work who is seriously stalking me! he always comes thru my line, and one day, i'm serious, he came thru 4 times!!!! it's really getting creepy! my friend Matt was bagging for me today when the guy came thru, and after the next customer, i told Matt all about it, and how one time, i was just getting off on break, when i saw him, with only two items, looking for a line, and i was sooo happy i was on break! but, when i got back, the second my light was on again, a woman walks in, and immediately behind her is none other than that guy! with the same two items!!!! yeah, matt was like, that is seriously creepy! he told me that if that guy comes thru my line again and Matt is there, to just run away, and he'll ring him out for me. and he was dead serious. i was very thankful for that. other than that...... i got to use this really cool..... thing..... no idea what to call it...... that the produce people use to put the price stickers on the produce, it looks kinda like a gun...... sorta, you click the button, let go, then smack the sticker on, and repeat. i stopped to talk with a friend in produce and when he pulled that out and whizzed thru a box of mushrooms doing that, i was like what the heck is that????? he showed me slowly what to do, and then let me try it! soooo fun! what can i say, i'm easily amused. and i'm tired...... need to go sleep now...... bye yall!

soooo tired

and bored. hate applications. really don't like parents saying, oh, well, you should apply here now, at the last minute. ech. anyway. you know, it's really funny what different people think about me. i like to just sit back and think about how many different views of me there are, just from the different sides of me people get to see. but what's really kinda funny, is how many people who really don't know me much at all, and not for very long either, say how very nice and sweet i am, one of the nicest people they know, and they don't even know me! like this guy at work, my best friend there's older brother, i was talking with him the other day, and their family is also large and homeschooled. when it finally came out that i was homeschooled too, he's like, aha! the truth comes out! i kinda thought you were, not sure why, but i wondered. i joked that i just have the look of a homeschooler, and he goes no, not really, it's just that you're nice, you're just nice. hahaha! i thought it was funny! 'specially cuz it was only like the second time i had talked with him. and then at orchestra last nite! haaaa, i have a very good friend who goes to orchestra now, and it makes me feel better for there to be someone i know. anyway, she had introduced me to a friend of hers back when we started, and i had talked with him a couple times maybe since then, but neither of us really knew the other's name, so a couple weeks ago, we made it a point to ask about the other person's name, and he just couldn't remember mine, so i told him if it was easier to remember, he could just call me evil. hehe! well last nite, during break, he asks, now what was that nickname you're called, meany or something, evil... i'm like yeah, evil. he's like, ok... why? i told him cuz i'm evil! he's like really.... well, ok, maybe not evil evil, but i'm evil..... in a nice way...... sorta..... but evil. he says no you're not, i know some really evil people, really mean people, and you gotta be one of the nicest people i know. haaaaaa, i think it's really amusing. ha, 'specially the way i can be "evil" to some people. you know, it's just really funny how many different ways people see me, like this really quiet shy girl, this "sweet" girl (HA!) funny, cute, crazy, wild, all that, it's really quite amusing! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! i gosh, wow, i'm in the wackiest mood right now! so i've run out of creative ideas, cuz every single online app. needs you to create a user name, and they call you that name in their emails to you, and file you under that name, so i usually try to do something that has to do with my name, but for the school i'm doing right now, there wasn't anything available that i could think of, so i finally just did "bwuahaha" and that is now my user name, and that is how they shall refer to me and file me as! oh dear..... and i'm laughing sooo hard, cuz i just got an email, addressed to bwuahahaha! oh this is awesome! heeeeee! ok, i need to finish this, cuz i have other work to do, and today, i actually have work work, like Big Y work! yesss! for some reason, they only scheduled me for Thu, Fri, and Sat this week, kinda weird. anyway, gotta go now! hope everyone's enjoying this... lovely....er, uh...... day, that is not...... raining. absolutely refuse to admit it, it's a gorgeous day out there! seriously!

well, this is kinda sad....... i've been online like, allll morning, working, but i also had my AIM up, and only three others were signed on, but they were (and are) away...... yah yah, i know.... it's a school day...... but still, it makes me sad. *bwuahahaaaa, i'm on my secret name, hehehehe! but if someone came on, i'd sign off and get on one they know* anyway, yeaaah. i really don't have anything to say....... meh. i was going to change the music again, but couldn't find anything i wanted. i'll have to do a better search later. keeheeee! i'm talking with myself online! HA! i do that a lot actually....... heeee, yeah, my older bro was making fun of me for how much i talk to myself. haha, like he and my younger bro were heading to the gymn to work out and passed me on my way home from the barn, and they saw me talking to myself and they just won't let it go now! ok, i'm gonna go now. byeee!

haaaa, having too much fun

gosh, well, some of you know that i have two AIM screennames........... well, because of a friend of mine, i made another one, just to be silly......... and then i decided to make yet another one, but absolutely no one is going to know what this one is! muahahaaaaa! so now i can like, spy...... or something...... hide...... haha! yeah, it's a lot of fun! only a few know about my second SN, and currently only one knows about my third, i'll tell maybe two or three others...... but no one's gonna know about the other! i am signed on that one right now, but no one else is online anyhow. well, my sister and her boyfriend are, they always are, but they're both away, as usual. anyway, i'm just having fun. that's all.

confused

i'm confused. and can't say why or what about. darn. rats. well, not talking about that, my mom just got two new kittens yesterday!!!!!! we already have three cats and a dog, but she just got two more, and they are sooooooo cute! of course, she had to stop after my lesson today to get all kinds of stuff for them, and boy was that a mistake! i love animals sooo much, and i was falling in love with every single bird there and the hamsters and mice.......... ha, actually, yeah, i almost got a bird...... and still might for Christmas.......... i can't help it! i love animals....... thing is, if i get a bird, i won't be able to let cats in my room ever again. :( but i love my cats! i love how they come sleep with me in my bed....... darn it, but i want a bird! ok, this is gonna be a really short post i guess. hehe, ever since i got my picture blog, my posts have gotten really short..... hm, don't know if that's a good thing or not...

meh, all alone..... well, not really, but...

well, me be's online, but then, no one else is on now...... rats. there are like, three others on line right now, but they've all been away for at least several hours, one since yesterday. poo. don't feel like putting more pictures up... don't really have many more left right now either, and not sure what to post either. i put up a new song tho. gosh i love Cars! wow this is weird. absolutely no train of thought right now. haha, it's all my brothers' faults, they are such brats! hahaha! gosh, they were being so evil to me. my Dad had to leave for a meeting, and my Mom was out somewhere, so it was just us kids eating lunch together, and they spent the whole time teasing me! i really don't mind as much as i put on i do. and they know it too. i just give them a good laugh, and they have sooo much fun doing it. ha, anyway, it's absolutely pouring right now, after a couple days of beautifulness, now it's nasty. maybe that's why i can't concentrate. well, part of why.... i know the other part. not saying tho. "behind the clouds/ the sun is shinin'/ believe me even though/ you can't quite make it out/ you may not see the silver linin'/ but there's a big blue sky waitin'/ right behind the clouds" ha, now i'm in a lyric mood, ok, can't help it, got this song stuck in mah head, so me is goin to put up ALL the lyrics to it! bwahaha! and that will prolly be all that i post today. here it be! "when you find yourself/ in some far off place/ and it causes you to rethink some things/ you start to sense that slowly/ you're becoming someone else/ and then you find yourself
when you make new friends in a brand new town/ and you start to think about settlin' down/ the things that would have been lost on you/ are now clear as a bell/ and you find yourself/ yeah that's when you find yourself
well you go through life/ so sure of where you’re headin'/ and you wind up lost/ and it's the best thing that could have happened/ cause sometimes when you lose your way/ it's really just as well/ because you find yourself/ yeah that’s when you find yourself
when you meet the one/ that you've been waitin' for/ and she's ("he's", hehe) everything that you want and more/ you look at her ("him")/ and you finally start/ to live for some one else/ and then you find yourself/ that’s when you find yourself
when we go through life/ so sure of where we're headin'/ and we wind up lost/ and it's the best thing that could have happened/ cause sometimes when you lose your way/ it's really just as well/ because you find yourself/ yeah that's when you find yourself"

internet restriction

so then, my internet restrictiong has been lifted! for the time being at least. well, i can't get on til 8 in the morning, but who needs to be on any earlier? and i don't know, but i prolly can't stay on after 10 still. but my mom was getting really sick of asking me to get my work schedule and having me tell her that i couldn't, didn't have internet time till later, or asking me to do something else, and couldn't, cuz no internet, and i'd be at work during my allowed time. OHO! guess what guess what! i finally saw Cars yesterday!!!! oh gosh, i LOVE Mater! he is soooo awesome! i want like a stuffed doll of him, or pillow, or something........ love him! ok, going and doing more pictures now.....

pictures

ok, just created a picture blog, and linked to it on the left. only one picture in it.......... hehehe! yeah..... of my feet........ i will add to it when i have time, and maybe find a better way to link to it, but this will have to do for now.

let's be organized......

ok, so, trying something new. haha, i will attempt *ahem* to be organized, lol, in my writing. yah, sure =P so anyway, i guess that would make this like the introductory paragraph, or something....... and i guess i have to start another paragraph for anything else i say now. confusing..... i’m not a very organized person, we’ll see how long this lasts........
ok..... well, now this is really weird, i can’t do this! my train of thought is so random and everything is connected, i can’t separate like this! meh meh, errrrr, uh, ok, concentrate. hm, well, i have decided to start another blog, that i shall link to here, haven’t quite figured out how yet, but i’ve seen it done, and this blog shall just be pictures. my Dad finally showed me how to hook up my camera to the puter so now i can get my pictures on it, and now i shall put some of them up for others to see. haha, and now i have several pics to use as my profile pic, about time i changed it. thing is, the one i was going to use, my brother was looking thru my camera and when he came to that one, he goes Whew! look at this hotness! gosh Rachel, you look so sexy! and i guess he has a german project of making a family tree, and you need pictures of everyone, and he decided he really wanted that one, and had me print it for him. then he gets talking about how he’s gonna bring “this hotness” to school and then he says, oh but, none of the guys in German are cool, i don’t want them looking at your picture.... oh well, i’m still bring this hotness with me and people will be like, whoa, that’s your sister? anyway, that made me really self-conscious about the picture, and i still want to use it, but i’m kinda afraid to. rawr. in any case, when this is posted, i will have put a new picture up, what it is i shall decided later.
ok, new topic....... this feels weird. haha! oh dear, i just looked up, and each paragraph i have started with “ok” i need to stop that...... must find another word...... or maybe don’t use a word, just launch right into each random thing. anyway, must decide which of the many subjects i wish to talk about now. i shall talk about work. actually have two things to say abut work, but let’s do the funnier one first. so my boss has this thing about water, or any drink actually. she doesn’t think it’s good courtesy to the customers to see us drinking, so we’re “not allowed” to have drinks, but pretty much everyone does, we just hide them under our registers. well the other day, Nancy (my boss) caught me with my water, she goes, “what are you doing? you know you’re not supposed to have that, so get rid of it.” i did not drink any more the rest of my shift. but the next day, or nite actually, i dropped in to fixt my availability schedule, and saw Jay, and he started telling me how Nancy had been in a bad mood that day, she had yelled at him, and at a couple other people there. i told him about the water thing the previous day. that was Sat. so yesterday, Jay was doing the trash in the evening, gets to my register and goes Rachel! soda and water! you’re not supposed to have those, so i’ll just toss em out for you..... the soda wasn’t mine, someone had left it under there before, and i told him that, so he throws it away, and starts to take my water and i’m like no no! you can’t take that! it’s my water, i need it, give it back! he was just being a goof and gave it back. but then later, oh my gosh! hooooo, he is so mean! oh what a brat! hahahaha! so it was about 8 at nite, pretty quiet in the store, and after a customer left my line, Jay was down at the end bagging, and he goes, man, you do not pay attention. Nancy just walked behind you and took your water. i was like wHaT???? i look and it’s not there, so i’m spluttering and all like, but she didn’t but it’s my water she took it? no no, but but.... and so on, just random bursts of stuff. and he’s just like yeah, she just walked by and took it, she just tossed it out over at the booth. i looked over and she was standing over there. then i was like grrr, but my water is very important to me, oh my gosh, i can’t believe she took it. Jay had come around to where i was at that point, and he goes, well if your water is that important to you, *places my bottle down next to me* you should pay more attention to it. oh. my. gosh. you should’ve seen me! i couldn’t believe he had just done that to me! i mean, it was really funny, oh but it was so horrible! i’m basically dying of laughter thinking about it now. anyway, that was a seriously long paragraph. new topic now. not going to talk about the other work topic, i’ll do that some other day.
i was really thinking about not saying anything about this, but it’s upsetting me too much to not. except actually, i can’t really say anything about it. rawr. but something made me incredibly upset last nite. i can’t believe how upset i got, it was bad. it took a while to calm down enough to sleep. but darn it, i can’t talk about it on here. i can’t really talk to anyone about it, except maybe my brother, but even he wouldn’t totally understand or help. so anyway, i guess that was kinda a waste to even mention, except that it’s still really really upsetting me, when i let myself think about it. but you know the thing is, when there’s something you don’t want to think about, it seems like that is the one thing you can’t get out of your mind. rrrrrrrrr.
time to figure out what picture to use, and how to get a picture blog set up.

rain

rain rain rainrainrainrainrain........... meh. ha, i’m listening to my rainy playlist, got 24 songs about rain in it, i prolly have more in my itunes i didn’t think of, and others on CD’s not yet in my library. i don’t like the rain. well, it depends i guess. sometimes i like it, but mostly it makes me feel kinda depressed. i guess it’s when i’m with other people that it’s not so bad. like at camp, it rained the whole week, but it wasn’t too bad, i still had fun. hahaha! and at the missions trip, oh gosh, we had sooo much fun! it was raining one morning, and the VBS team was pretty much all set, so most of us were sitting around waiting for the kids with nothing to do, so we’re like, let’s go out in the rain! so we run out, go in circles being crazy, and start dancing with each other in the rain! it was so awesome! and we started singing rain songs, like Raindrops Keep Fallin On My Head, and then of course, Singin in the Rain, and that got us started going thru all the songs in that movie, it was so great. oh man, we had so much fun in VBS, we were such a great group. randomly one morning, we started doing the Cotton Eyed Joe, and then we did the Macarena, and the chicken dance, just singing all the music while we danced, it was amazing! ha, but of course, people had to get out their cameras and tape us, but that’s ok i guess. man i miss youth group so much! i just knew it, there was no youth group last week, and i was not scheduled for work, this sat. however, there is youth group, and i’m scheduled for work, grawr. but i think i have someone who’ll work for me. i haven’t been to a meeting since sep. not cool. and i know i can’t go next sat. cuz it’s in the morning, raking leaves for an elderly lady, but i’ll be at the barn working. meh. but maybe i can go to the Leadership core meeting Friday nite, as long as i don’t have work, or if i do, find someone to take my shift. hope hope. haha! ok, so yesterday at work, it was the day after halloween ok, and they took down all the halloween stuff, and what do they do but put up Christmas stuff! really guys, what about Thanksgiving? seriously, what the heck. anyway, it was kinda a slow day, but at least my pretty much best friend there was working in the lane right in front of me, she’s so awesome. it’s funny how much we have in common. same age, both homeschooled, Christian, musicians, she sings and plays piano, going to be a music ed major, both have large families, live in the same town, and our sense of humor is so similar, it’s just awesome. i guess prolly the only really interesting thing that happened was when Jay came in limping, cuz he had shot himself in the leg with a nail gun. his main job is roofing, that’s what he does in the mornings. but anyway, don’t really understand the whole story, but he shot himself in the leg with his nail gun, the only part of the nail sticking out of his pants was the head, and he just grabs it and pulls it out......... OUCH! the thing is, these nails have mercury in them, so i was like, Jay, go to a hospital, why are you here at work, you should go to a hospital, now. but he didn’t, and i had to leave at that point for rehearsal. ha, got new music, insane. we’re doing this John Adams chairman dances......... impossible...... cannot play it. there is just no way you could ever count it. ha, but Howard was like, funny thing is, when we play it right, it actually won’t sound much different than it does right now. that’s, uh, hopeful..... yeah.... right. hehe, me and my stand partner, we were having fun together, making jokes about it, and our attempts to play it, and how this thing is called a dance, and we’re like, oh it’s so very... er... attractive...... oh yes, i’d def want to, er, dance to it....... ahem. you know what i just noticed, i’m typing this up in Word right now, and it automatically capitalized halloween, but not Thanksgiving, that’s just so wrong! i shall fix when i get to my blog this afternoon, shall uncap Halloween, and cap Thanksgiving. you know what, i miss my IM a lot. i really don’t get to use it at all anymore, just don’t have the time. used it once last week, but really don’t get enough time to go on it anymore. and i don’t have time to email as much either, altho i try to. maybe i should take up snail mail full time.......... HA! nope, can’t do that, i’m too impatient. but maybe i will send occasional letters to people, just to be fun. ahhhh, i feel so out of touch with everyone! not cool! but i have plans to get together with a couple different people, so that’ll be good, and hopefully youth group. i love people, just being around them makes me happy. like i walk into work and immediately i’m singing and talking to myself, all smiling and happy, it’s so funny, people used to look at me as if there was something wrong with me, now they just kinda smile and shake their heads as i pass. hahaha! wanna know something ridiculous? course you do! so we were having this huge sale and a bunch of items, 20 for $10, and you can mix and match items. so one of the items was tuna, and for some reason the barcode wasn’t scanning, and you had to manually enter in the whole number. so i did that last Friday with an order, 20 cans of that number, after the 5th or so, i had the number memorized. came back on Monday, and the cans still weren’t ringing in, and i actually still had the number memorized. then yesterday, the guy right behind me had the cans for the first time, and i told him, hahaha, you gotta enter in the barcode for every single can Brian! told him i memorized it, it’s 1889450860, haha! anyway, randomness. oh wow, gosh, long post, should stop now. don’t remember now if i even said anything worthwhile...... oh well, who cares. k, shall be done now.

soft and low the music moans/ i can't stop thinking about you/ thinking about you... / waiting and wondering about you....

well then, so, been having rather strange mood swings lately. ha, like my last update, as you could prolly tell, i was kinda depressed. but then later i was laughing and goofy again. i think too much, i overanalyze and second guess and everything, and then i get all confused and messed up, and end up just kinda depressed. but anyway, wish sometimes i could make my mind shut up, it’s just annoying sometimes =) hehehe! so then, i played the Bach Preludio in church on Sunday, didn’t go as well as it could’ve, but i guess it was ok. the funny thing is tho, everyone was coming up to me afterward telling me how amazing it was, how well i played, talking to me about where was i looking for college, and of course i’m doing music aren’t i. and i guess it’s finally at the point where everyone who has watched me grow up are finally seeing that i’m not a crazy little wild thing anymore. (well........ *ahem* shut up! don’t say a word!) everyone was saying how much i’ve grown up, i look so old and mature now, they had to do a double take when they looked at me, or they put their glasses on to make sure it was me, stuff like that. it was kinda cool, but a little embarrassing. haha, usually, when people who’ve watched you grow up say how “big you look” or “so grown up” they mean more like, aw, so cute, and she’s getting bigger, aw, just look at her, still a little girl no matter what. that sort of thing, but now they’re talking to me like a real person, more like an adult, it’s awesome! but the scarey thing is, once i’m graduated and set for college, all these adults are gonna tell me to call em by their first name! i can’t do that! just, no, i can’t! but let’s not think too far ahead. ok. anhoo, what was i gonna say......... i think i had something else........ mind is total blank..... it usually is...... why does it do that, so annoying. grawr. meh. hm...... what has happened since my last post...... er, hm...... i had a pretty busy day yesterday, violin lesson in the morning, then work in the afternoon. don’t really have any stories tho. sadness. it was a fun day, work is always fun, but nothing that really stands out that i could talk about. which means i should stop rambling about nothingness now. haha, oh, ok, so, i think my Dad is starting to realize that i’m getting older, that i’m a girl, and that guys are noticing me now, and he doesn’t like it, and i think he’s kinda in denial about it. he doesn’t like having guys calling me, he’ll bring me the phone with that fatherly look that says, *sigh* i really don’t like this. and says to me, “Rachel, i don’t like all these guys calling you”, and “why are all these guys calling you” and stuff like that. i think it’s just hard on him, mostly cuz he’s still getting used to the fact that my sister has a boyfriend, and that she’s not going to be his much longer. and then to see that i’m not his little baby girl anymore, he doesn’t like that, and refuses to see it. ha, he has no idea what i’ve gone thru, and the fact that a lot of guys like me, and have asked me out. i don’t know what he’d say if he knew that. i think i will forever be his baby little girl in his mind. but oh well. i can’t really help that, considering everything that’s happened, i guess i’ll always be looked at in a different light than any of my siblings, in a more protective light. ok, enough o’ dat, need to stop rambling. ha, but i can’t, it’s too much a part of me, never stop rambling! ever! haha! gosh, i need sleep....... i’m going insane! ok not really..... but i still need sleep. wish i still had nap time....... that’s prolly the thing i miss the most about being young, having a nap time, altho i hated it then, funny how that works, in’nt it?

hm, kinda upset right now......... feeling rather unsure, insecure..... scared...... i dunno. anyway..... invited a friend to church today, said he would come, but didn't, kinda disappointing. oh well. rawr, why am i in this mood? grr.
"well i can't ever really believe/ no one was sent to get me/
and i feel like i'm being erased/ no one got left here/ i'm all alone/ no one was sent to get me/ i'm all alone/ no one got left here/ but i'm fine/ no one got left here/ well i'm fine/ no one got left here"

"the wind is moving/ but i am standing still/ a life of pages/ waiting to be filled/ a heart that's hopeful/ a head that's full of dreams/ but this becoming/ is harder than it seems/ feels like i'm/
looking for a reason/ roaming thru the nite to find/ my place in this world/ my place in this world/ not a lot to lean on/ i need your light to help me find/ my place in this world/ my place in this world/
if there are millions/ down on their knees/ among the many/ can you still hear me/ hear me asking/ where do i belong/ is there a vision/ that i can call my own/ show me, i'm/
looking for a reason........

long day.... and not over yet

today be's almost done.... sorta...... ok maybe not really, it's just been really long. it's been pouring all day, so nasty, and i had to work at the barn this morning, it was...... not fun. haha. i worse sooo many layers, three socks, two pairs of pants (heehee!) and i think five layers on top...... i lost count, don't remember. and yet i still got totally soaked. i guess the good thing is that it was about 57 degrees out, so at least i didn't freeze, there's always that. but anyway, really made the work hard, took an extra hour to get done, but i guess in a way it made me feel good, cuz i felt like i had really accomplished a lot, done some good work. oho! and then, today at Big Y, we had a special day for kids, the workers were all in costumes, and we did face painting, decorating cookies, games, crafts, and in-store trick or treating. i didn't work today, but my dad took my little bro, little sister, and me in. i had a blast! oh it was so fun! i currently have a turkey painted on my face, i've grown very attached to it, but will have to remove it before church tomorrow. meh. prolly the funniest thing that happened there was finally getting Jeff to have a steak painted on his face, it was awesome! anyway, i had a very good time. oh guess what! i'm so incredibly happy! i just found out that it's daylight saving ends today!!!!! that means...... an extra hour of sleep! boo-yah!!!!!!! oh man, can't wait! i have not been resting well, i sleep thru the whole nite just fine, fall asleep pretty much the second i lay down, and sleep all the way till my alarm, sometimes more....... hehe, but the sleep isn't really restful. i've been having weird dreams. i mean, i always have weird dreams, they never make sense at all, but i don't know, maybe they're worse now or something, or i just didn't have them for a while. maybe i'm just kinda stressed right now, nervous, doubtful, worried, that kinda stuff. anyway, just had a sit down with my parents, we set up the dates and some details for all my auditions. funnn...... er........ yah. anyway, kinda excited, but scared like heck. but i'll be fine. ok, must go practice some more, try to update tomorrow, that is, if i have anything to say. but then again, i update even when i have absolutely nothing to say....... so.... as long as i get the computer turned on, i shall write something about something tomorrow.......... yay.... haha!

a hundred days have made me older/ since the last time that i saw your pretty face/ ...../ but all the miles that separate/ disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

doctors *sigh* hate em

so me be's at library again, just came from an opthomologist appointment. ech. doctors are stupid. they're all like, oooh, there's something wrong with you, i can just feel it! go see this person, and this person, and this specialist, and that dude over there, and....... yeah...... then they all say that i'm fine. what the heck! i mean, really, leave me alone, i'd rather like that. have had enough doctor experience in my life thank you very much. and i still don't like em, never will. poo, i have to leave, maybe i can get on at home and write more, but i doubt it, so this shall have to be my shortest post ever! wow!

funness is fun!

hahaha! me had a good day yesterday! well, the day part was kinda dull.... and long, but then last nite i went to a recital at Uconn, the incredibly amazing cellist on faculty there, he makes me cry when he plays, so i had to go to it. and when i get there, i see sooo many people i knew there! now normally when i go to a concert there, or am in a concert there, i'm lucky if i see one or two people i know, but this time there were the Sundets, the Georges, the Woolfendens, the DeCaprios, the Palmieries, and the Colwells! so awesome! and of course, the concert was absolutely incredible! gosh i love Ginestera! anyway,the funny thing was, after ther concert, i had to stop at Big Y for a few things, and the Palmieries were going there too! it was just so funny to start going down a row and see them there! Santi was like, you! stalker! and this was like, 10:00, so there was basically no one else there at all, but i found out something pretty interesting. i found out there's this guy who's been stealing money from our companies since June, he's stolen something like $3,000 from us! he goes thru different stores, and i don't really know exactly how, but does something with bottle slips, and he initials them with a guys from our store's name, and he's hit us twice this weekend, but was caught last nite! or found out more like, they chased him across the parking lot, but he escaped. he was really mad, they were kinda afraid he'd come back so Jay walked me back out to my car, and then another lady too, pretending he was doing it just to help with her water. that's kinda freaky. i'm a little scared now. plus, i think he may've gone thru my line earlier, that would explain why my drawer was short the other day, and my supervisor had to give me a warning........ oooo. at least i'm not working today either, i'd be pretty scared.... but, i am working tomorrow, oh dear..... drat, and i don't think any of the guys i could count on saving me will be there. i'll be fine.... i'll bet they'll be on the lookout for him. otherwise, life is pretty boring. might get to go see a movie wid mah little sis on Sat. we'd go see Flicka, cuz the book was one of my absolute favorites, i read every single book that had anything at all to do with a horse when i was younger. but anyway, we might get to go see that, it would be really fun. we don't go see movies much. there actually isn't really anything good out right now, that's like the only one, and we don't know if it will be good either. but it's got Tim McGraw in it! haven't seen him in anything yet, will have to see how he does, wonder if they have him sing at all in it, that would be pretty cool. anyway, need to finish up now.

dix3yank (10:29:12 AM): hey, i've got another q for ya - know what "away" means?
zukukataxrenarka (10:29:27 AM): uh... er...... well.....
zukukataxrenarka (10:29:50 AM): some times people don't really mean "away" they just mean, hey, i like putting a little message up here cuz it looks cool
dix3yank (10:30:18 AM): uhuh..........yeah..........now am i the kind of person taht would do that!?!!?!?!?!
zukukataxrenarka (10:30:39 AM): well, that all depends now don't it
zukukataxrenarka (10:30:58 AM): i sometimes put up messages, but i'm really just doin junk on the puter anyway
dix3yank (10:30:59 AM): ha! so you don't know me as well as you thought! *evil grin*
zukukataxrenarka (10:31:36 AM): hey! i'm evil, ok? you can't have it, my name!
dix3yank (10:32:06 AM): ok.........zukudukamoku.........or whatever you are
dix3yank (10:32:45 AM): hey, i like that
zukukataxrenarka (10:32:50 AM): why, don't you know by now that i am commonly known as the evilness of Rach, or just evil for short
dix3yank (10:33:09 AM): RACH! sounds evilistic......German style
zukukataxrenarka (10:33:38 AM): i am German....... well... half...... ok, more like a third.....
dix3yank (10:33:41 AM): that's just flppnsweet!!!
zukukataxrenarka (10:33:47 AM): haha!
dix3yank (10:34:02 AM): yeah, i
dix3yank (10:34:09 AM): m your sister........far removed
zukukataxrenarka (10:34:37 AM): wait.... wait....... no no! you're not my sister! ech.... scarey! more like brother.... i hope.........
dix3yank (10:34:43 AM): that's how i get to claim this name of fame
dix3yank (10:34:52 AM): EVIL the Second!
dix3yank (10:35:27 AM): ok, see, you DON'T know who you're talkin' to *grin*


and i'm at the point of no return/ so afraid of getting burned/ but i wanna take a chance/ oh please/ give me a reason to believe.....

sleep.........

do you know how amazingly wonderful it is to get 10+ hours of sleep in a nite? oh i feel so wonderful now! except now i have nothing more to say.... hm........ well, no work today, or tomorrow, going to a recital tonite, gonna be fun! you know what, i've been thinking lately, why is it that sometimes, i can put everything in the world in type, other times i can't put a single thing.... why is it that sometimes i can say so much on the phone, other times i can't........ why is it that in person sometimes i can say so much, and other times nothing? why am i such a complicated mess? it's weird, don't like it. at least last nite i finally opened up more at work, was really more myself and crazy, it was fun! people really do think im so quiet....... cuz i usually am there...... and everywhere else too i guess, i don't know why it's so hard for me to open up to people and let them see who i am. i thought i was getting better about that, but i feel like i'm closing in again, or something. stop it! grr. i need to go back to youth group, really hope i can go next week, BETTER not be scheduled for work! if i am, i will have to try my utmost to get a switch with someone. anyway. i'm actually allowed on the internet a lot today, cuz of work stuff i'm doing, so i'm posting this a lot earlier than usual. and i've been on AIM a lot, had an, er, interesting conversation with a good friend, such a brat! hahaha! no really, i have fun, here are a few bits so you can get an idea:
zukukataxrenarka (11:48:36 AM): brat......... lol
benofsherwood (11:48:43 AM): evil
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:08 AM): you know what, for some reason, people at work don't believe that i'm evil........
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:11 AM): hahaha
benofsherwood (11:49:26 AM): I should go in and tell them
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:47 AM): HA! that would be sooooo funny!
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:52 AM): oh dear......
benofsherwood (11:50:01 AM): what??
zukukataxrenarka (11:50:36 AM): just thinking if such a thing happened...... gosh, specially cuz several of the guys like.... um, like me, as in want to go out with me......
benofsherwood (11:50:53 AM): lol
benofsherwood (11:51:13 AM): why you??
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:21 AM): hey!
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:24 AM): hehehe
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:27 AM): well fine then
benofsherwood (11:51:39 AM): I will have to have a talk with them
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:49 AM): why........ about what..........
benofsherwood (11:52:02 AM): abotu how they should not go out with you
benofsherwood (11:52:09 AM): about**
zukukataxrenarka (11:52:24 AM): you know...... you........ grrrrr!
benofsherwood (11:52:34 AM): hehehe

zukukataxrenarka (12:12:48 PM): but i'm watching a movie.......
benofsherwood (12:13:00 PM): what movie??
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:07 PM): a Walk to Remember
benofsherwood (12:13:23 PM): that movie....uhg
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:31 PM): what!
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:38 PM): it makes me cry!
benofsherwood (12:13:46 PM): stupid movie to match your intelect
benofsherwood (12:13:48 PM): lol
benofsherwood (12:13:50 PM): jk
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:55 PM): YOOOUUUUUU!
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:59 PM): lol
benofsherwood (12:14:02 PM): evil

anyway, i need to go practice now, me shall write something more interesting later. or shall try to anyway.......

once again i just can't get it straight/ wondering if wandering is my fate/ but don't lose hope in me quite yet/ cause help must be on the way, any day