rats...... i can't think of a title.....

felt like writing...... but somehow now i can't think of what to say..... ha, i may just resort to using song lyrics. so many songs that seem to say what i'm thinking and feeling right now. i feel like i'm such a mess right now, such a mish-mash of emotions in me, and they don't mix that well. i'm depressed, slightly angry, but guiltily so, feeling overwhelmed, scared, nervous, and yet, in the midst of all that, there's this hope in me, this excitement..... this strange happiness..... when i think about it i feel all my bubbleyness come back, and more...... i hope i'm not imagining it..... and in all that, somehow i'm still for the most part my weird crazy self..... don't know how that works. ah weel. haha, the prospect of using song lyrics is just too tempting, so 'ats enough o' dat, don't want to work at trying to figure myself out. at least not right now. so here ya go! here are some lyrics that at least somewhat capture what i'm feeling and thinking right now.
what's this life anyway/ what's it to you and me/ what's it to anyone/ who are we supposed to be/ make me a storybook/ write me away from here/ i need a different now
where we can wear each other for awhile/ i'll lend you my tears if i could borrow a smile/ i'll get through tomorrow somehow today/ happy after....

drowning in my loneliness/ how long must i hold my breath/ so much emptyness inside i could fill the deepest sea/ i reach to the sky as the moon looks on/................/ can you turn my black roses red?

oooh, at times i felt like i had lost myself/ cause people try to make you someone else/ i had to learn to trust my heart so/ things can change
i came to a point where i could speak my mind/ and not feel i'm living in a box and keep the girl i am concealed/ oooh i finally found the strength so i can leave that all behind
this is my time to shine/ this is my place to find all that i have inside i never knew/ this is my time to show/ what i must have always known that nothing's impossible/ and dreams come true

i used to think that i could not go on/ and life was nothing but an awful song/......../ i believe i can fly/ i believe i can touch the sky/ i think about it every night and day/ spread my wings and fly away/ i believe i can soar/ i see me running through that open door/ i believe i can fly

the road is long- it twists and turns/ but everything in life you live and learn/ no one ever said that life was easy or that all in love is fair...

why can't i breathe whenever i think about you/ why can't i speak whenever i talk about you/..... why can't i breathe whenever i think about you..........

i know i should be in bed........

i just can't stop crying....... i can't understand it.... there was nothing wrong with him, why?????? yet again, the lyrics to Faith Hill's Somewhere Down the Road are going thru my mind. so, for all you who have absolutely no clue what i'm talking about.......... Professor Peter Sacco from Uconn had a brain aneurism last week.......... was in a coma on life support......... just found out last nite that they took him off............. and i can't stop crying. i loved Prof Sacco sooooo much, it was because of him and his camp last summer that i started really getting into my violin more and becoming serious about it. he was always so sweet to me, so thoughtful and helpful, he cared about everyone, but somehow there was kinda something special. and he specifically invited me to join his orchestra last year, and always had a smile for me, something kind to say, a hug to give............ actually the last time i got to see him was the first rehearsal this year, he was so happy to see me again and gave me this giant hug. then as we rehearse the second movement of the Dvorak, he randomly says that movement would be the death of him............. and half a week later he's in the hospital............... we worked that movement last nite................. a week and a half after it happened............. and i almost didn't make it thru, it was so mournful, it was like funeral music. i've never experienced this before, no i one i've known has ever died......... i mean, there's been a couple people i sorta knew who they were, sorta..... but nothing like this, and it's killing me. he was so wonderful. he couldn't have been even 60, he was healthy, why? i know all that it's in God's hands, He has a plan, there's a reason for it, all that, i know............. but i don't like it, i really really wish it could be some other way, just not like this........... i don't want him to be gone, it hurts......... so much. and now i shall go cry myself to sleep, for the second nite in a row.

YAHRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yahrrr! today be talk like a pahrett day.... and me am speakingg in a 'eavy brogue..... onliest way fer yous ta know is ter wraht it all wid really weird spellings.... so ah come off as seeming retarded........ or sumthin. er, yah..... no wait, yahrrr, hehehe! daw crap.... me mind is crumbling and ah cain't think o' nuthin ter be saying..... haaaa, cain't take this! ah just cain't keep up this pahrett thang..... rawr. well, ok, normalness again, yesss! soooo...... ha.... i been thinkin alot.... bout all kinds of stuff, if you can't tell by reading the total randomness of my posts.... gah! no! here i was actually about to write about something.... cuz i really feel i need to, and then i panicked and couldn't! grrrr, i haven't talked to anyone about this yet..... but i really want to.... but it's like if i do, then there's no hiding from it, like i kinda am right now, which is silly. it's just that this is one of the hardest things for me to talk about. with anyone. ha, and i'm still not talking about it......ergblah..... ok, so, it has to do with my Neurosurgeon appointment.... in a way it freed me.... cuz i had known.... but now it wasn't just me....... but..... it makes me kinda scared...... and i'm being totally vague, i know...... darn. ehehhh, i think i just need to talk with someone about it..... actually voice it all, and then in a way, i'll feel better, and will be able to talk about it more. i should shut up now.... lol. i shall end by putting up the lyrics for the song i've got on here.
"rows and flows of angel hair/ and ice cream castles in the air/ and feather canyons everywhere/ i've looked at clouds that way
but now they only block the sun/ they rain and snow on everyone/ so many things i would have done/ but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now/ from up and down, and still somehow/ it's cloud illusions i recall/ i really don't know clouds at all
moons and junes and ferris wheels/ the dizzy dancing way that you feel/ as every fairy tale comes real/ i've looked at love that way
but now it's just another show/ and you leave em laughing when you go/ and if you care, don't let them know/ don't give yourself away
i've looked at love from both sides now/ from give and take, and still somehow/ it's love's illusions i recall/ i really don't know love/ really don't know love at all
tears and fears and feeling proud/ to say "i love you" right out loud/ dreams and schemes and circus crowds/ i've looked at life that way/
oh but now old friends they're acting strange/ and they shake their heads/ and they tell me that i've changed/ well something's lost but something's gained/ in living everyday
i've looked at life from both sides now/ from win and lose and still somehow/ it's life's illusions i recall/ i really don't know life at all/ it's life's illusions i recall/ i really don't know life/ i really don't know life at all"

ah poo, y do we need these titles anyway?

haaaaaaaa, me am tired........ i had an awesome weekend! see, being homeschooled, it's very hard to be with people. it's always been hard for me to just be with people, and talk with them, and make friends, cuz i never get chances to be with em. but things have been getting better. esp. since i started youth group. ha, but now, i'm so insanely busy! school, work, practicing, orchestras, youth group.... all that stuff. but this weekend, i was able to free up so i could spend the evening Friday and all day Saturday at the Greenier home with Sarah!!!!! it was so awesome! i love her, so glad i'm becoming good friends with her! the whole family is amazing, see usually, it's kinda hard for me to be with friends families, at least the first time i'm with them, but with them, i can be however the heck i want to be, just be my crazy evil self, and fit in just fine! anyway, it was awesome, i went on my first ever picnic! can you believe it? i'd never been on a picnic before!!! :O Sarah, Julia, and i went on a long bike ride and a picnic, so awesome! i love to bike, i just never ever do it. see, we don't live in the type of area where you can bike. i mean, there's our half mile street, which i used to bike on years ago, but i haven't in the longest time. "oh, oh, oh, for the longest time...." it was awesome, i loved it. i need to buy a bike before college, and i'm gonna get into riding more now! oh boy, ehh, my right eye is like, prickling.... or something...... and randomly watering.... it's really weird..... stop it! rawr! "i'm a craaaazy rabid squirrel!" hehehe! yah yah, i'm a squirrel. i mean, just watch Over the Hedge, and Hoodwinked, but esp. Over the Hedge, i am so def a squirrel! :P anyway, tired. need sleep, if you can't tell by my random babblings. heeeeee! but on a more serious note, i'm pretty confused right now, "why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?" eheh.... mrph..... i don't understand....... "why, why, why, does it go this way. why, why, why, and all i can say is, somewhere down the road, there'll be answers to the questions. somewhere down the road, though we cannot see it now. somewhere down the road, you will find mighty arms reaching for you. and they will have the answers, at the end of the road." meh. this is so weird. i thought i had finally figured things out, figured myself out, thought i knew what was going on, where things were going, but now... i dunno.... somehow i'm all confused. grrrrrrrr. i wish i could understand.... that someone would be my hero and explain everything, make it all better. "and then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on, and you cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive." rawr! this is frustrating! i don't like being so helpless.... and not understanding anything..... i can think of something that would make it all better, but who knows if ever....... meh. ha, yah..... as Ben would say, i need help. yah..... i really do..... why do i have to think so much? i need to learn to be patient and wait til things happen, wait til the right time and everything. "hold on, but don't hold too tight. let go, it's going to be alright, don't run away from what your heart is sayin. oh be strong, and face what you're afraid of. come on, show em what you're made of. i know it's hard when your hope is gone, but you've gotta keep holdin on." meh meh meh. ha, i shouldn't be listening to this playlist.... just feeding my mood, and getting totally depressed. not good. i need to stop writing and do something productive..... like practice......yeah...... cept i prolly won't.... i'll prolly sit here wishing someone would come online and talk with me..... cuz i'm not the brightest person. rats, ha, i know this is bad, i keep running myself into the dirt, and i know i shouldn't, and should stop, but i'm slightly depressed and can't.

so laaaaazy.............

finally had violin lesson today, after a month without one. which means we drove out to West Hartford. i love long car rides....... mostly cuz i do basically zip during them, haha! i love to just sit and stare out the window. either at the clouds or license plates. oh gosh, were there some awesome clouds today or what! wow, clouds are a favorite past time of mine...er.... present time..... wait.... not past time.... cuz i still love em.... but you can say present time, or now time....... that's weird...... english is weird! as if you didn't know that already! lol anyway...... i LOVE clouds soooo much. it's like a life long ambition of mine to be able to paint clouds. i mean, i can sketch really well, i'm actually very good at drawing if i do say so.... but that's pencil..... clouds, you gotta paint. you need the bright blue, the thick puffy whiteness of the clouds, and then the hazy streaks of cloud several layers higher, and the layer of clouds kinda stretched out and spread in lumpiness somewhere in the middle, and then those little wisps of nothingness below em all, just floatin along....... oh i love clouds sooooo much!!!! and i always see shapes in them. like today, i saw a man in a bath tub! oh gosh, wait....... that sounds wrong...... i didn't mean it like that! shut up! hahahahahaha! it was just a cloud! i saw a baby laying on it's back, and one of those buggy things from Star Wars episode 2, and of course an airplane, those are easy to see, and a bunch of horses, more standards...... and of course, clown faces are like the easiest to see, that doesn't even count..... there were a few other objects i saw.... but can't think of em. anyway, that was rather pointless, but i love seeing the shapes in clouds. you should try it some day, just relax and look at those wonders of creation. how could anyone ever look at those and ever think that there isn't a God? i'm constantly amazed with clouds, i don't think i'll ever get enough of them. anyway. after my lesson we went to the music store, which is always a mistake, we spend the loooongest time there, looking at sooo much music, and ordering all kinds of stuff they don't have. i love it! the concerto i'm learning right now, i'm learning off of photo copies of my teachers music, but i need my own music, so we had to order that today, and boy was that funny! the poor guy at the counter! ok, so, the composer name sounds like "Ven-yahv-skee" and he had no idea how to spell it, so i had to spell it for him three times before he finally had it right! btw, it is Wieniawski, so cool! and yes, it's Polish! heeheeeeee! i got a ton of other music too, keep me busy. ha, yah, like i'm not already! speaking of, i have a lot to do still, mostly practicing.... so i'd better get to it!

well now, let's write some shall we?

playin wid me options........ finally got a profile pic working...... and put some more info up. worst part about getting a new site, getting it all set up. i don't like figuring out new things, takes too long. i miss my xanga, poo. whenever i update on there, i think i'll copy it to here too. and i will update it, whenever i can go to the library or something. and besides, i still need to let people know i have this site. hehehe! i mean, i could email a few people, and i might do that, but i still want to put up a general post. well, anyhoo, me tired. still. and feeling bad, haven't been practicing...... someone needs to smack me. mleh. ha, sad thing is, prolly wouldn't make a difference. rawr, need more self control. actually, that would be good for a lot of things. hehehe, i need help, in a lot of ways....... as some of you know already, and have pointed out! :D oh well, i'm really not putting myself down really, i'm just foolin and being a goof. actually, being rather serious right now, i have a problem of not being serious enough. not saying i never am, i actually have been a lot more this year than i usually am, i just need to be even more. i tend to brush things aside, forget about them, reason them away. i need to be more considerate of others, i've been really trying this year, but really not enough. esp cuz for some reason, people like to talk to me about their problems, maybe just cuz i listen well, and don't talk too much. ha, even at work people are confiding in me about their crushes and asking advice, and do i think she likes him, how should he ask her this, how can you tell if a girl likes you, etc. anyway. yeah. that was totally unnecessary. heeeeee, my mind is working in strange ways right now, i was kinda just randomly typing all that, whilst at the same time kinda thinking with half my mind about something completely different. me is kinda happy bout something! but me not sayin anything...... cuz it bein personal... and maybe wrong too..... but hey, i can dream can't i? ok, shuting up now..... going to bed, like, soon. just so you know, for some reason i can't get the time stamp right on this thing, so it's really 1/4 after 9 right now, not whatever it says... prolly something like 4. the other two times i wrote it was like 10, even tho it said something after 4 too. ok, out.

ha, well..... s'pose i should write some

don know why i'm writing right now.... no one even knows i have this. hehe, actually, i started a blog last year too, tried to get people to read it, but it ended up dying and i deleted it. but maybe people will actually read this un since i won't be updating my xanga that often. rats. stupid safe eyes. ah weel. thing is, i should actually tell people about this site........ so i don't come off as insane, just rambling nonsense to myself, which is basically what i'm doin now. gee, this is dumb. ha, who cares? mleh! ah can be as stupid as i want to, an there's nuttin anyone can do bout it! haaaaa, and i'm tired........ i should really go to bed..... stupid colds.... suck the energy right out.... except.... i've been strangely hyper all day. huh. hahaha! funny thing is, people at work haven't really seen me like that before! they all think i'm shy and quiet, but not anymore! gosh, you shoulda seen me! well.... not the computer.... i mean... you as in whenever the heck i get people to actually read this, and then it would be them you....... yah...... ok, *ahem* moving on. i was pretty crazy, you shoulda seen me stuff myself into this little cubby under the register where we keep the paper bags!!!! wow! eh, alright, i really should go sleep...... get back to normal... if there is such a thing for me........

blah-di-blah

this is total nonsense for now.... real update pending................