well then, so, been having rather strange mood swings lately. ha, like my last update, as you could prolly tell, i was kinda depressed. but then later i was laughing and goofy again. i think too much, i overanalyze and second guess and everything, and then i get all confused and messed up, and end up just kinda depressed. but anyway, wish sometimes i could make my mind shut up, it’s just annoying sometimes =) hehehe! so then, i played the Bach Preludio in church on Sunday, didn’t go as well as it could’ve, but i guess it was ok. the funny thing is tho, everyone was coming up to me afterward telling me how amazing it was, how well i played, talking to me about where was i looking for college, and of course i’m doing music aren’t i. and i guess it’s finally at the point where everyone who has watched me grow up are finally seeing that i’m not a crazy little wild thing anymore. (well........ *ahem* shut up! don’t say a word!) everyone was saying how much i’ve grown up, i look so old and mature now, they had to do a double take when they looked at me, or they put their glasses on to make sure it was me, stuff like that. it was kinda cool, but a little embarrassing. haha, usually, when people who’ve watched you grow up say how “big you look” or “so grown up” they mean more like, aw, so cute, and she’s getting bigger, aw, just look at her, still a little girl no matter what. that sort of thing, but now they’re talking to me like a real person, more like an adult, it’s awesome! but the scarey thing is, once i’m graduated and set for college, all these adults are gonna tell me to call em by their first name! i can’t do that! just, no, i can’t! but let’s not think too far ahead. ok. anhoo, what was i gonna say......... i think i had something else........ mind is total blank..... it usually is...... why does it do that, so annoying. grawr. meh. hm...... what has happened since my last post...... er, hm...... i had a pretty busy day yesterday, violin lesson in the morning, then work in the afternoon. don’t really have any stories tho. sadness. it was a fun day, work is always fun, but nothing that really stands out that i could talk about. which means i should stop rambling about nothingness now. haha, oh, ok, so, i think my Dad is starting to realize that i’m getting older, that i’m a girl, and that guys are noticing me now, and he doesn’t like it, and i think he’s kinda in denial about it. he doesn’t like having guys calling me, he’ll bring me the phone with that fatherly look that says, *sigh* i really don’t like this. and says to me, “Rachel, i don’t like all these guys calling you”, and “why are all these guys calling you” and stuff like that. i think it’s just hard on him, mostly cuz he’s still getting used to the fact that my sister has a boyfriend, and that she’s not going to be his much longer. and then to see that i’m not his little baby girl anymore, he doesn’t like that, and refuses to see it. ha, he has no idea what i’ve gone thru, and the fact that a lot of guys like me, and have asked me out. i don’t know what he’d say if he knew that. i think i will forever be his baby little girl in his mind. but oh well. i can’t really help that, considering everything that’s happened, i guess i’ll always be looked at in a different light than any of my siblings, in a more protective light. ok, enough o’ dat, need to stop rambling. ha, but i can’t, it’s too much a part of me, never stop rambling! ever! haha! gosh, i need sleep....... i’m going insane! ok not really..... but i still need sleep. wish i still had nap time....... that’s prolly the thing i miss the most about being young, having a nap time, altho i hated it then, funny how that works, in’nt it?

hm, kinda upset right now......... feeling rather unsure, insecure..... scared...... i dunno. anyway..... invited a friend to church today, said he would come, but didn't, kinda disappointing. oh well. rawr, why am i in this mood? grr.
"well i can't ever really believe/ no one was sent to get me/
and i feel like i'm being erased/ no one got left here/ i'm all alone/ no one was sent to get me/ i'm all alone/ no one got left here/ but i'm fine/ no one got left here/ well i'm fine/ no one got left here"

"the wind is moving/ but i am standing still/ a life of pages/ waiting to be filled/ a heart that's hopeful/ a head that's full of dreams/ but this becoming/ is harder than it seems/ feels like i'm/
looking for a reason/ roaming thru the nite to find/ my place in this world/ my place in this world/ not a lot to lean on/ i need your light to help me find/ my place in this world/ my place in this world/
if there are millions/ down on their knees/ among the many/ can you still hear me/ hear me asking/ where do i belong/ is there a vision/ that i can call my own/ show me, i'm/
looking for a reason........

long day.... and not over yet

today be's almost done.... sorta...... ok maybe not really, it's just been really long. it's been pouring all day, so nasty, and i had to work at the barn this morning, it was...... not fun. haha. i worse sooo many layers, three socks, two pairs of pants (heehee!) and i think five layers on top...... i lost count, don't remember. and yet i still got totally soaked. i guess the good thing is that it was about 57 degrees out, so at least i didn't freeze, there's always that. but anyway, really made the work hard, took an extra hour to get done, but i guess in a way it made me feel good, cuz i felt like i had really accomplished a lot, done some good work. oho! and then, today at Big Y, we had a special day for kids, the workers were all in costumes, and we did face painting, decorating cookies, games, crafts, and in-store trick or treating. i didn't work today, but my dad took my little bro, little sister, and me in. i had a blast! oh it was so fun! i currently have a turkey painted on my face, i've grown very attached to it, but will have to remove it before church tomorrow. meh. prolly the funniest thing that happened there was finally getting Jeff to have a steak painted on his face, it was awesome! anyway, i had a very good time. oh guess what! i'm so incredibly happy! i just found out that it's daylight saving ends today!!!!! that means...... an extra hour of sleep! boo-yah!!!!!!! oh man, can't wait! i have not been resting well, i sleep thru the whole nite just fine, fall asleep pretty much the second i lay down, and sleep all the way till my alarm, sometimes more....... hehe, but the sleep isn't really restful. i've been having weird dreams. i mean, i always have weird dreams, they never make sense at all, but i don't know, maybe they're worse now or something, or i just didn't have them for a while. maybe i'm just kinda stressed right now, nervous, doubtful, worried, that kinda stuff. anyway, just had a sit down with my parents, we set up the dates and some details for all my auditions. funnn...... er........ yah. anyway, kinda excited, but scared like heck. but i'll be fine. ok, must go practice some more, try to update tomorrow, that is, if i have anything to say. but then again, i update even when i have absolutely nothing to say....... so.... as long as i get the computer turned on, i shall write something about something tomorrow.......... yay.... haha!

a hundred days have made me older/ since the last time that i saw your pretty face/ ...../ but all the miles that separate/ disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

doctors *sigh* hate em

so me be's at library again, just came from an opthomologist appointment. ech. doctors are stupid. they're all like, oooh, there's something wrong with you, i can just feel it! go see this person, and this person, and this specialist, and that dude over there, and....... yeah...... then they all say that i'm fine. what the heck! i mean, really, leave me alone, i'd rather like that. have had enough doctor experience in my life thank you very much. and i still don't like em, never will. poo, i have to leave, maybe i can get on at home and write more, but i doubt it, so this shall have to be my shortest post ever! wow!

funness is fun!

hahaha! me had a good day yesterday! well, the day part was kinda dull.... and long, but then last nite i went to a recital at Uconn, the incredibly amazing cellist on faculty there, he makes me cry when he plays, so i had to go to it. and when i get there, i see sooo many people i knew there! now normally when i go to a concert there, or am in a concert there, i'm lucky if i see one or two people i know, but this time there were the Sundets, the Georges, the Woolfendens, the DeCaprios, the Palmieries, and the Colwells! so awesome! and of course, the concert was absolutely incredible! gosh i love Ginestera! anyway,the funny thing was, after ther concert, i had to stop at Big Y for a few things, and the Palmieries were going there too! it was just so funny to start going down a row and see them there! Santi was like, you! stalker! and this was like, 10:00, so there was basically no one else there at all, but i found out something pretty interesting. i found out there's this guy who's been stealing money from our companies since June, he's stolen something like $3,000 from us! he goes thru different stores, and i don't really know exactly how, but does something with bottle slips, and he initials them with a guys from our store's name, and he's hit us twice this weekend, but was caught last nite! or found out more like, they chased him across the parking lot, but he escaped. he was really mad, they were kinda afraid he'd come back so Jay walked me back out to my car, and then another lady too, pretending he was doing it just to help with her water. that's kinda freaky. i'm a little scared now. plus, i think he may've gone thru my line earlier, that would explain why my drawer was short the other day, and my supervisor had to give me a warning........ oooo. at least i'm not working today either, i'd be pretty scared.... but, i am working tomorrow, oh dear..... drat, and i don't think any of the guys i could count on saving me will be there. i'll be fine.... i'll bet they'll be on the lookout for him. otherwise, life is pretty boring. might get to go see a movie wid mah little sis on Sat. we'd go see Flicka, cuz the book was one of my absolute favorites, i read every single book that had anything at all to do with a horse when i was younger. but anyway, we might get to go see that, it would be really fun. we don't go see movies much. there actually isn't really anything good out right now, that's like the only one, and we don't know if it will be good either. but it's got Tim McGraw in it! haven't seen him in anything yet, will have to see how he does, wonder if they have him sing at all in it, that would be pretty cool. anyway, need to finish up now.

dix3yank (10:29:12 AM): hey, i've got another q for ya - know what "away" means?
zukukataxrenarka (10:29:27 AM): uh... er...... well.....
zukukataxrenarka (10:29:50 AM): some times people don't really mean "away" they just mean, hey, i like putting a little message up here cuz it looks cool
dix3yank (10:30:18 AM): uhuh..........yeah..........now am i the kind of person taht would do that!?!!?!?!?!
zukukataxrenarka (10:30:39 AM): well, that all depends now don't it
zukukataxrenarka (10:30:58 AM): i sometimes put up messages, but i'm really just doin junk on the puter anyway
dix3yank (10:30:59 AM): ha! so you don't know me as well as you thought! *evil grin*
zukukataxrenarka (10:31:36 AM): hey! i'm evil, ok? you can't have it, my name!
dix3yank (10:32:06 AM): ok.........zukudukamoku.........or whatever you are
dix3yank (10:32:45 AM): hey, i like that
zukukataxrenarka (10:32:50 AM): why, don't you know by now that i am commonly known as the evilness of Rach, or just evil for short
dix3yank (10:33:09 AM): RACH! sounds evilistic......German style
zukukataxrenarka (10:33:38 AM): i am German....... well... half...... ok, more like a third.....
dix3yank (10:33:41 AM): that's just flppnsweet!!!
zukukataxrenarka (10:33:47 AM): haha!
dix3yank (10:34:02 AM): yeah, i
dix3yank (10:34:09 AM): m your sister........far removed
zukukataxrenarka (10:34:37 AM): wait.... wait....... no no! you're not my sister! ech.... scarey! more like brother.... i hope.........
dix3yank (10:34:43 AM): that's how i get to claim this name of fame
dix3yank (10:34:52 AM): EVIL the Second!
dix3yank (10:35:27 AM): ok, see, you DON'T know who you're talkin' to *grin*


and i'm at the point of no return/ so afraid of getting burned/ but i wanna take a chance/ oh please/ give me a reason to believe.....

sleep.........

do you know how amazingly wonderful it is to get 10+ hours of sleep in a nite? oh i feel so wonderful now! except now i have nothing more to say.... hm........ well, no work today, or tomorrow, going to a recital tonite, gonna be fun! you know what, i've been thinking lately, why is it that sometimes, i can put everything in the world in type, other times i can't put a single thing.... why is it that sometimes i can say so much on the phone, other times i can't........ why is it that in person sometimes i can say so much, and other times nothing? why am i such a complicated mess? it's weird, don't like it. at least last nite i finally opened up more at work, was really more myself and crazy, it was fun! people really do think im so quiet....... cuz i usually am there...... and everywhere else too i guess, i don't know why it's so hard for me to open up to people and let them see who i am. i thought i was getting better about that, but i feel like i'm closing in again, or something. stop it! grr. i need to go back to youth group, really hope i can go next week, BETTER not be scheduled for work! if i am, i will have to try my utmost to get a switch with someone. anyway. i'm actually allowed on the internet a lot today, cuz of work stuff i'm doing, so i'm posting this a lot earlier than usual. and i've been on AIM a lot, had an, er, interesting conversation with a good friend, such a brat! hahaha! no really, i have fun, here are a few bits so you can get an idea:
zukukataxrenarka (11:48:36 AM): brat......... lol
benofsherwood (11:48:43 AM): evil
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:08 AM): you know what, for some reason, people at work don't believe that i'm evil........
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:11 AM): hahaha
benofsherwood (11:49:26 AM): I should go in and tell them
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:47 AM): HA! that would be sooooo funny!
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:52 AM): oh dear......
benofsherwood (11:50:01 AM): what??
zukukataxrenarka (11:50:36 AM): just thinking if such a thing happened...... gosh, specially cuz several of the guys like.... um, like me, as in want to go out with me......
benofsherwood (11:50:53 AM): lol
benofsherwood (11:51:13 AM): why you??
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:21 AM): hey!
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:24 AM): hehehe
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:27 AM): well fine then
benofsherwood (11:51:39 AM): I will have to have a talk with them
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:49 AM): why........ about what..........
benofsherwood (11:52:02 AM): abotu how they should not go out with you
benofsherwood (11:52:09 AM): about**
zukukataxrenarka (11:52:24 AM): you know...... you........ grrrrr!
benofsherwood (11:52:34 AM): hehehe

zukukataxrenarka (12:12:48 PM): but i'm watching a movie.......
benofsherwood (12:13:00 PM): what movie??
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:07 PM): a Walk to Remember
benofsherwood (12:13:23 PM): that movie....uhg
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:31 PM): what!
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:38 PM): it makes me cry!
benofsherwood (12:13:46 PM): stupid movie to match your intelect
benofsherwood (12:13:48 PM): lol
benofsherwood (12:13:50 PM): jk
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:55 PM): YOOOUUUUUU!
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:59 PM): lol
benofsherwood (12:14:02 PM): evil

anyway, i need to go practice now, me shall write something more interesting later. or shall try to anyway.......

once again i just can't get it straight/ wondering if wandering is my fate/ but don't lose hope in me quite yet/ cause help must be on the way, any day

mind be not working.......

well, was debating whether or not to update again today, but obviously i decided to. i’ve been having these weird mood swings today…… you know, sometimes i really hate being a girl. rawr. ha! but don’t know exactly what i’d rather be………. i mean, sure i love horses, but wouldn’t really wanna be one, of course everyone’s wanted to be a cat at some point in their lives, and then there’s always a squirrel, but wait! not just any squirrel, but a flying squirrel! yeah! i’ve always wanted to fly…… do it in my dreams allll the time, therefore, a bird of some kind……….. but anyway. can’t be anything else, sad. ah well. you know, maybe i just need the sun, it needs to come back, too gloomy out there, but i absolutely refuse to listen to my gloomy playlist or my rainy list, instead am listening to My playlist. in other words, they’re all songs that are kinda about me, sorta. haha! right now Keith Urban is playing with Where the Black Top Ends, love it! i’m gonna kick off my shoes and run in bare feet, where the grass and the dirt and the gravel all meet, goin back to the world, gonna visit old friends, and feed my soul, where the blacktop ends. so come on, give some fresh air give me that farm............ yeah! yay for barefeet! hoohooooo! and now for a punk song…….. anyway, for some reason i’m not really functioning right now, not really sure why, maybe i just need a sugar rush…. or something….. i need people…… haha! no matter how shy i am out there, there’s this part of me that needs to be with other people. specially people i know at least a little. i miss work, didn’t have work yesterday, and don’t today either, haveta wait til tomorrow. and grr! work is making it so i can’t go to youth group leadership core tomorrow, and i can’t go to youth group sat. either! meh. that means i won’t have gone to a single thing this month. you know, i’m writing in weird spurts here, and i’m not sure how much of it is making sense….. i hope i’m not coming off as like mad or grouchy or anything, i’m really not, i’m just kinda musing absentmindedly on random stuff. guess what i did this morning? i sent a letter! i never write letters anymore, email has taken over my life, but i miss letters. cept i was a lazy bum, typed it, *shh!* but i did add a personal touch to it…. heeheee! oh gosh, love Queen so much! i’m going slightly mad, i’m going slightly mad, it finally happened, it finally happened, i’m slightly maaaad......... oh yeah, well, we all knew there was something wrong with me..... haha! ok this is sad, usually i have a million trains of thought going at once, but right now i can’t latch onto anything to talk about, so wrong! ok, me gonna have some sugar, and maybe call someone..... just so you know, as usual now, me be’s typing this in a document and it’s about 2 in the afternoon now, i won’t get on the internet til 4, and anyway, the clock on my site is messed up somehow, it’s half an hour early, so whatever time it says i posted this, it was actually half an hour later. ok, me am going now. and will prolly not update tomorrow, unless i can get my internet time moved earlier.

haha haha! i am having such a good day today! despite the gloomy rainyness outside. i don’t care! so today is my best friends birthday, and she lives like right behind Big Y, so i see her mom there allll the time. and yesterday, when she came in for a few things, i asked if i could come over today and surprise her. she told me the grandparents would be over for breakfast and i’d be welcome to join. i love her grandparents so much, i’ve basically grown up with them too, so they treat me like another granddaughter and everything, i love it! but anyway, so i drove over, parked, snuck up to the door and got inside unnoticed, but then her dad came poking his head over and discovered me, motioned for him to be silent, and snuck into the dining room where they were just starting to eat and totally surprised her! it was awesome! of course the food was amazing, breakfast food is the most wonderful thing in the world, believe me. then was the gift opening and the socializing for a while. oh dear! hahahaha! her dad had ordered something for her, but it was backordered, so she wouldn’t get it for a while, but it was on it’s way now, but oh my gosh! so funny! he ordered her this set of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, and it smells like DIRT! heeeeeee! wash and smell earthy, smell like a human……… oh man, now i want some! well…….. hm….. ok, so not really, but still……. that’s just the type of thing i’d love to use just to be wacky, but i just don’t think i’d feel clean if i smelled like dirt……. oh well. i’d do it just for laughs some time. but that was so fun. so that started off my day in a happy way. of course then i had to come home and do school work, blech. ha! but then, during lunch, i was a bum and watched Over the Hedge, LOVE that movie! i’ve said it before, but i’ll say it again, i’m a squirrel! i mean, seriously, i relate so well to Hammy, it’s ridiculous. hehehe! oh but then! like just about half an hour ago, (this is like 1:00 btw, conserving and typing up in Word doc so i can copy and paste when i get internet access) i got a package in the mail!!!!!!! it made me so happy! yay yay yay! heehee! and now i have this awesome hat on my head, wid a paw print in da front! haha! yeah DePauw! ha, i love hats. ha…… and then this awesome book, hm, but it keeps telling me how everyone there is so beautiful…… is it trying to warn non-beautiful people away……. and then the best part! i got a letter letter! like a real letter letter letter, as in came in the mail letter, with the package! yay! otherwise, pretty empty day ahead of me, oh wait….. nvm, orchestra tonite, forgot. but no work, and no work tomorrow either, kinda saddening. ah well, i’ll live. ok, i really must spend some quality time with my violin now, so i shall save this document and come on later to post it. byeee!

you don't know what you do to me/ you changed around the scenery/ and now everything is new to me/ but it looks just right, yeah it looks just right/ whoa, it's strange but it's beautiful/ yeah, and i know where i am
oh, i've never been here before/......./ never been tumblin', stumblin' over the words that get tangled inside of me/ i've never been moved this way/ nobody's ever made me say/ i'm ninety-nine point nine per cent sure i've never been here before

two days in a row!!!!!

updating again! wow, things all of a sudden went weird and exploded. i can't really say on here, cuz it's not about me, but i'm kinda in the middle of something really really painful, and i want to help so badly, and don't know how, and i'm hurting too. rawr for growing up. anyway, really can't write about that all here. so moving on...... thinking of other things...... so me drove to the barn again this morning, and guess what? i had something new to do before i could drive, i had to use the defroster so i could actually see out the windshield! it was so cold this morning!!!!!!! i was wearing a shortsleeved shirt i had worn to bed, and a long sleeved shirt over that, and a thin sweater over that, and topped off with a thick sweater. i also had two pairs of socks on, but stupid stupid, did not think about my poor hands......... at least i made it thru the morning and still have all my fingers. oh! hahaha! so i guess one of the horses i thought hated me now likes me! he used to be such a pain, always kicked his stall walls, trying to eat my pitchfork, trying to escape, would step on my feet, and just anything annoying or obnoxious he could do. but today, i had to clean his stall with him in it, i usually move him to an empty one if i can, but didn't have that option today. he was still being frisky, but was actually being nice! let me pet him, nuzzled against me, and was being a real sweety, until he started eating my hood! haha, and then! i was kinda absent-mindedly stroking his nose and just standing there, and all of a sudden i feel this strange sensation in my hand and realized he had just closed his mouth around it!!! he wasn't biting, but had simply opened his mouth and closed around my hand and was holding it there, wet wet wet! anyway, mad that it's getting cold again...... can't stand the cold..... i've said many times before, but i'm really a cold blooded lizard. wish i could just migrate south for the winter or something. actually, for a while, i really really wanted to go to this college in Texas.......... but oh well, not anymore, have to settle with being cold forever.......

haha, at library!

ha, so yah, me am at ze library, and as usual, after i'm done posting, i think of things i wanted to say. cept now most of them are leaving my mind again, NOOOOO! haha, so, totally random, cuz that's how my mind works, i keep forgetting to bring sunglasses with me every time i drive! i never used to think about it, but now that i'm driving a lot more, i've been realizing how very bright the sun is, and how hard it can be to see. and i would really like to have sunglasses with me, but alas, i forget, until i've driven for a few minutes. i should just attach them to myself somehow, and always have them with me forever! hahahahaha! yeah....... and then i'd break them. oh well. so driving! it's so much fun! first time i drove on my own was to the barn last week, and it was awesome! i was so awake, which i'm usually not, and i was talking to myself the whole way, and singing with the radio, it was amazing! i talk to myself (or with, hehe) every time i drive, and i apprechiate the radio even more with no one else in the car. i've also driven myself to work twice, and to a dentist appointment, ech. oho! but yesterday, when i went to work, i started at 10:30, and it was rainy and nasty when i left, so i put the headlights on, when i got there tho, it was all sunshiney and nice, so i totally forgot that i had em on, and i open the door to get out and this steady beep starts up and it scared me so bad! i closed the door again, and was totally like, ok, the keys are out, they are in my hand, car is off......... uh, radio is off..... everythng is off! it's in park........ what the heck! so i went thru everything and finally realized, oh....... right....... headlights. ha, but i guess it's a good thing, otherwise i would've come back to the car and had no batteries and wouldn't be able to get home, and my parents would murder me...... so yeah. that's that. trying to think........ i'm sure there was other stuff to say......... mind is totally not working with me today, and i really don't care! me be's happy........ anyway. ok, i haveta say, yay for phones! and i'll shut up and get off now. cuz at this point i'm really not saying anything, and won't be saying anything if i keep on typing. so long yall! till the next update, whenever that shall be......

long time no post

well then......... i'm really tired, hehehe, but it's a good tired, and i'm hyper! haaaaaa! so good! so then, um... um.... need to make my mind concentrate..... you know what's annoying? when you have so many things to talk about, and they all get jumbled around and you're so busy, and you never have an outlet for talking about them, and when someone finally asks you just generally, what's going on, and your mind absolutely and totally blanks, and you can't think of a single thing. and then later every little thing in the world comes back to you......... grr! like last nite, my family went out to eat! we never do that! we're never all home, but we were, and we went out to Denny's together! all of us, even my older brother! we like never do anything with him, sure he lives with us, but we basically never see him, but he came with us! it was awesome, i love Denny's, cuz it serves breakfast food all day long! soooo awesome! ha, prolly the best part of the evening was when all the guys ganged up on my, both bros, and my dad! they tease me mercilessly! and most of the time, they know just what buttons to push, just how to get me, and i was in a good mood too, so things were getting ridiculous, i actually got them crying they were laughing so hard! it was so awesome! anyway, i only gots 10 more minutes online, so me be ending now.

when the truth is, i miss you/ yeah the truth is/ that i miss you so.