deep thoughts

so i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and this is actually something i just posted in my blog on ShoutLife, i decided to be lazy and paste it in here too. just a warning..... it's very serious, not in my normal style of writing, but this is also "me", just another side of me, that i don't show as often.

i have been learning many lessons lately, but the biggest one is trust. even tho it's so hard to entrust the big things in our lives to God, we still know in a way, that we have to, there's nothing we can do about them, except trust God with them. but then, we feel all good about ourselves for "letting them go", as if we've done some big self-denial thing. but really, the hardest things to give up are the little things, the one's we hold onto so tightly, and hope God doesn't find out about them, cuz He might mess up our plans, He might not want what we want. those are the things we need to let go of the most. i've been learning how tightly i've been holding on to things, things i want, ideas in my head, all these little things that make me feel like i have some measure of control over things, when i really don't. i have been learning, very slowly, to let these things go, give them over to God. He has a plan for me, i don't know what it is, if it has anything to do with what i want, or think i want, but His plan is perfect. even if i don't see it now, whatever He has planned is what's best for me, he knows what He's doing. and yet, i'm still holding on to things, i don't want to find out if they're in God's plan for me or not, i just want to hang on to them. this is an ongoing process, one that will never be complete. once you finally give something over, you realize there's something else now in it's place. i am learning to trust God for something that i really want, but am turning it over to Him. if it's His will, He will make it happen, if not, He has something better planned, something that i could never even imagine. this is a growing time for me, and it's hard. the thing is, it will never become easy either, trust is always hard, giving over our "control", as if we really have any, is never going to be easy. this is something i would appreciate prayer about.