this is the site of a music nerd, who is trying to get back into blogging

yay for updating!

2007-02-27T10:30:00.000-05:00

guess it’s about time i updated here! i’ll actually be updating again a lot more frequently now, cuz once again my internet time has been limited, so i’m back to what i used to do, type this up in a word document and post it when i have internet access. no more spending all my time on my Shoutlife. my mom decided to take over, and she doesn’t believe me when i say that i have planned out all my school to be done in the middle of April, so she’s decided to limit my internet time to make sure i’m spending enough time on school work. at least after April, i’ll be done, will know what school i’m going to, and will shortly after then get a laptop, WOOT!
so yesterday, when i got back from my violin lesson, i had two letters on my bed...... hahaha! both from colleges telling me i’ve been accepted! now i am accepted to 3 schools! (well.... sorta 3 and a ½ :D) PBU was the first to accept me, the two new ones were Houghton and DePauw, Uconn is the ½ they’ve accepted me to the school itself, they haven’t contacted me yet about the music school. Wheaton is actually the only one i haven’t heard from at all. mom called them the other day, and they said they won’t contact anyone til after April 1st, grr. at least i’m getting close, not much longer to wait. YAY!
so after a winter of no snow, we’ve actually had a lot of snow the past few days. we had this one day of snow, then freezing rain, turning it all to slush, then freezing. then a little more snow on top of that. yesterday we got maybe 3 inches of snow, and we got another couple overnight, and it is still lazily snowing right now. i’m getting this crazy craving for a snowball fight! i haven’t actually played in the snow for sooo long! i don’t think i went in it once last year, except to walk thru it to the car. not sure about the year before, might have shoveled it once or twice. i haven’t gone sledding in forever tho. we have this tiny tiny “hill” in our backyard, but i’ve actually never gone sledding on a real hill. must do that someday.
well i must be getting to some work now. i shall post much more frequently now.

i know i haven't updated in forever.....

2007-02-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

i've been so busy lately. i should say rather that i have let myself become too busy with too many things, many of them meaningless, and am not spending my time wisely. quick update on happenings in my life. i have visited PBU (Philadelphia Biblical University) and was accepted there, and will be travelling to Houghton on Sunday, my last audition, finally! after that is just waiting to find out where i'm accepted, and all the financial junk. hm..... other stuff..... we got snow wed., it was crazy! it actually wasn't much snow, it started as snow during the nite, got maybe an inch, then it was freezing rain till morning, and all thru the day, finishing with about 3 inches of pretty much ice. i had work wed, so i went, even tho it took about 20 minutes to get there, instead of the usual 7. it was a 6 hour shift, and sooooooo dead! i was so surprised that there were some people who came out in that weather at all, it was horrible out! we never had more than two people on register at a time. at one point, it was so dead, we had already picked up all the green baskets, and straightened the magazine racks, so Nancy comes over, tells Jay to clean all the registers, and she hands me a feather duster, i ask her what that's for, she tells me to go dust off all the candy! now yesterday morning, Dad had to go to court about the accident he had a while back that totalled his car. the accident that wasn't his fault. on his way, this ginormous 18 wheeler had this huge slab of ice slide off its top. my Dad had just enough time to see it flip thru the air towards him, no time to move anywhere, think "oh how much damage can a bit of snow do?" before the ice hit the windshield, and totally smashed it! my Dad was fine, but had to drive home in all that glass to get the van and rush over to court for the other accident. the windshield is fixed now, we had someone come over in the afternoon yesterday. i had work yesterday too, and it was pretty busy, all these people getting in their shopping they missed the day before. then i had the Uconn symphony concert last nite, sooooo fun! i'm actually having a hard time getting my thoughts together right now. just wrote on my shoutlife about something i've been thinking about, and am kinda blogged out now. i'm putting a link to that post here if'n ya want to read it. thing is, not sure if you can see it. i know you have to have a shoutlife to read the blogs, but i think i linked to it in such a way that you can access it.
http://www.shoutlife.com/profile_view.cfm?uid=4342&blog_id=29185&view_mode=blog
i need to go eat now, and spend a good several hours practising, haven't done that in a while, soooo bad.

snow!!!!!! (and silver pennies)

2007-02-03T14:10:00.000-05:00

so we finally got snow! i was afraid we'd end up with no snow this winter, sooo wrong, a New England winter with no snow, absolutely depressing! granted, it's only about an inch and a half, but that's still enough to make a few good snowballs with, hehehe! i have yet to lure my siblings out there...... actually tho, not sure i want to go freeze again myself yet. i was out in the coldness from 7 till 10 this morning at the barn, it was gorgeously white, well, not for long, i mean, how white can it be at a barn, seriously, but it was freezing. just watch, we didn't get snow till Feb. but watch it keep snowing into April or even May, just watch it! that would crush me. oh and Mom's poor flowers! a few weeks ago we saw that her crocus were already popping up cuz it was so warm, and now they're gonna die! ohhhhhh! crocus always symbolized spring for me, it was never really spring, no matter how late it was, until the crocus came up. and last week, at my violin lesson, there were robins all over my teachers lawn, poor things, now it's cold.
other news: silver pennies. yesterday at work, during my last half hour, it had finally slowed down in the store, and between customers i opened a thing of pennies cuz i was running out, and as i dump then into the coin drawer, i glimpse something silver before closing my drawer to take care of the next customer. i was thinking, huh..... did a dime somehow get wrapped up with the pennies??? after my customer left, the store was pretty dead, so i opened me drawer and went searching for it, and it wasn't a dime, it was a penny, but it was silver! it was from 2002, it wasn't just copper that was old and worn out, it was silver! i took it over to Josh to show him, he was examining it and testing it, it certainly looks real, and is real metal.... then i showed Naomi, and Trisha hears us talking about "silver penny" and comes over to see it, then Linda comes running over cuz she heard us talking, she takes one look at it and goes, "oh that's a dime you knuckle-heads!" Trisha says no, it's a penny, just look at it. then Linda actually takes it and looks closely at it and exclaims, OH! it is a penny! then Josh says, and we let you be on register? oh it was such fun! i asked if i could switch one of my pennies for it, and now i'm gonna keep it forever! anyway, that's all for now, must get some stuff done before i lose the whole day. i am copying this to my shoutlife too, i love that site!

lyrics

2007-01-30T11:40:00.000-05:00

arg wu sentafinticate nar dunderford/ bida menti kosticated interserd/ thorphilliate stinded yilla billa zay/ wentora yate paravillintiniay/ paravillintiniay
dorga orpha dorga billa/ dorga orpha stifaleare/ dorga orpha dorga billa/ tonalation fonamere
stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking/ stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking/ stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking/ stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking now
if i had one wish/ well i don't know what i'd wish for/ but if i had a million zillion wishes/ i'd use one to let you know that gibberish is/ not a nice way to talk to all your
mork sawx ippen reeby yufftabar/ higgerd quillip ernigrade du wellinshar/ lirp crawn xyfa gourk jawinstabray/ venaldo urp paravillintiniay / paravillintiniay
stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking/ stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking/ stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking/ stop talking gibberish/ or just stop talking now
if i had one wish/ well i don't know what i'd wish for/ but if i had a million zillion wishes/ i'd use one to let you know that gibberish is/ not a nice way to talk to all your friends
(that is Relient K, gibberish, you can scroll down to the bottom and click on it on my playlist to listen to it)

i was sitting on a bar stool/ in a barbecue joint in Tennessee/ when this ole boy walked in/ and he sat right down next to me/ i could tell he'd been through some hard times/ there were tear stains on his old shirt/ and he said you wanna know what you get/ when you play a country song backwards
you get your house back/ you get your dog back/ you get your best friend Jack back/ you get your truck back/ you get your hair back/ ya get your first and second wives back/ your front porch swing/ your pretty little thing/ your bling bling bling and a diamond ring/ you get your farm and the barn and the boat and the Harley/ first night in jail with Charlie/ sounds a little crazy, a little scattered and absurd/ but that's what you get when you play a country song backwards
well i never heard it said quite like that/ it hit me in the face cause that's where i'm at/ i almost fell flat out on the floor/ he said wait a minute that's not all there's even more
you get your mind back/ your nerves back/ your first heart attack back/ you get your pride back/ you get your life back/ you get your first real love back/ you get your big screen TV, a DVD and a washing machine/ you get the pond and the lawn/ the bail and the mower/ you go back where you don't know her/ it sounds a little crazy a little scattered and absurd/ but that's what you get/ when you play a country song backwards/ oh play that song/ Woo!!!
we sat there and shot the bull about how it would be/ if we could turn it all around and change this c-r-a-p
you get your house back/ you get your dog back/ you get your best friend Jack back/ you get your truck back/ you get your hair back/ ya get your first and second wives back/ your front porch swing/ your pretty little thing/ your bling bling bling and a diamond ring/ you get your farm and the barn and the boat and the Harley/ first night in jail with Charlie/ you get your mind back/ your nerves back/ your first heart attack back/ you get your pride back/ you get your life back/ you get your first real love back/ you get your big screen TV, a DVD and a washing machine/ you get the pond and the lawn/ the bail and the mower/ you go back where you don't know her/ it sounds a little crazy a little scattered and absurd/ but that's what you get/ when you play a country song backwards
(that is Rascal Flatts, Backwards, again, you can listen down at the bottom)

i know, a very pointless post....... but i'm in a weird mood right now, and have nothing else to say, so there ya go! listen and enjoy!
(btw, don't you dare, any of you, tell either of my brothers about backwards! they will tease me about it for the rest of my life! they make fun of country enough as it is, and Geoff has his own thing about playing a country song backwards, he would love this just too much!)

more memories

2007-01-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

again, i'm pasting from my shoutlife. i know it makes two posts in one day, and both long, but oh well, you don't have to read them.
gosh, do you know what a wonderful feeling it is to come back from a shopping excursion, having gotten what you wanted, and having saved more than you spent?? haha! =D yay! it was awesome. but i won't talk about shopping, that's a kinda boring topic anyway. i was having a good time with memories again today. (i actually wrote about memories in my other blog, here is a link to that post if ya wanna check it out: http://flppnsweetviolin.blogspot.com/2007/01/memories.html ) i was remembering with my parents about my surgery 9 years ago, and it wasn't hard memories, they were fun, just a bunch of little things. it's kinda funny the different things we each remembered about that time, i had such different memories from anyone else. i remembered HATING that catheter with every once of me, absolutely insisted they get rid of it, i was perfectly capable of using the bathroom myself, thank-you-very-much! i remembered this nice nurse who came in my room, reclined me back a little, and washed my hair in this lovely warm bucket of water, it felt wonderful! then when going home, i was not allowed to lie down for a while, i have no idea how long, but it felt like absolutely forever that i was confined to that recliner, escept not reclined, and actually had many many pillows stuffed behind me..... oh how i wanted to just be FREE! and when my best friend came, we palyed with barbies *blush* and my mom says we painted our toenails or something, i don't remember that. i also remember going to my neurosurgeon when he was going to remove the staples, and i wanted to see the tool he was using, and he let me have it, actually, i still have it, i've kept it all these years! my Dad said he remembered me talking to my surgeon about how long did it take, and then why did it take that long? i figure it should take maybe 10 minutes to cut in, 10 to remove the tumor, 10 to close it up again, so it should therefore take about half an hour, not however many hours it took. something like 4 or 5, can't remember. but anyway, i do not remember that at all, but boy does my Dad! he remembers Dr. Gham's twinkle in his eyes as he listens to me, and how he laughed, but not in a mean way, and how much he just enjoyed that all! but anyway, this time, i have plans for my time in confinement. MARATHON TIME!!!!!! LOTR marathon, Matrix, P&P, maybe Star Wars, North and South, Wives and Daughters, there was another i'm forgetting right now...... oh well, i actually have to get to bed now, nighties!

random thoughts

2007-01-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

ok, just a bunch of random thoughts that have been going thru my head lately, and other stuff. i spent a good part of my morning today planning (shocker!) my school work for the next couple months. i actually went thru it all and figured out what i'd need to do in order to be done before my surgery, and right now, i'm either going to be done on April 16 or 18, depends on if i decide to take off these two Friday's Nathan has off, cuz i usually go by his schedule. so this way, i will be done a week before my surgery, and have NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA! gosh but that will be fun to tease people about! college friends who won't be done til the middle or end of May, and HS friends who won't be done til the middle of June, haha! anyway, that's a happy prospect. other stuff going on...... let's see, me and my best friend are going to get together to celebrate valentines day, cept it's going to be a week late cuz of scheduling, but we're going to go see a movie, and maybe eat at the mall, prolly do some shopping, just have a good girly time, so i'm looking forward to that! oh oh oh!!! guess what i found out yesterday! did you know that trampoline is an actual sport? an olympic one at that???? at church last nite i saw Mr. Craig helping his 12 year old (i think) son Howie with his posture, hands straight up above his head, getting him perfectly straight, and i asked him what he was doing, and he started talking about how Howie was on the trampoline team. so i asked him about that, and found out that it's a real sport, an olympic one at that, he showed me a video he had on his palm pilot of Howie doing a double backflip at a meet that he won first place for, and told me about how this girl who was the olympic gold medalist was at their school and was helping Howie, and the coach doesn't let anyone under 14 do backflips, but he let Howie do it! it was such an interesting topic! we got talking about what we do on our trampoline, the games we've made up, the one we do blindfolded, ("now you guys are just crazy!" was his response hehe) but that was really cool. i seriously did not know it was a sport. you guys prolly all knew that already tho..... i'm always the last to find things out, it's rather depressing..... ok fine, so maybe it's not :+) anyway..... i love the Easter cantata we're working on right now, another new compostition by Mr. Shaw, it's such awesome stuff! i have to agree with my Dad, Easter is my favorite holiday, and part of that is from the music. course i love Christmas music, but Easter music is so amazing! in this cantata, there are such moving peices, mournful ones, i can't even begin to describe some of them, like when Jesus enters the temple that has been turned into a "den of thieves", the music is amazing. and of course, all the music for the resurection, oh my gosh, so incredible, it just fills you with this wonderful joy! during and after the Christmas cantata, i would go around the house, and work, and everywhere, singing parts of it, cuz it was just stuck in my head, i've only been to two rehearsals for the Easter one, but already, i'm singing some of the music randomly. course, i already know some of it. Mr. Shaw had written a few pieces for Easter a while back, and we've sung some of them in choir last year, and he used some of them, either in whole, or in part in his cantata, so that helps members of the choir who did them already. i can't wait!!!! it's going to be amazing, i'm telling you! i think it's going to be recorded, they recorded the Christmas one anyway. which is actually kinda sad, i know it was the premiere performance and all, but still, our choir is not exactly the greatest. oh well. i'm actually really tired right now. i was exhausted yesterday, so i took a 2 + 1/2 hour nap, which felt amazing btw, but of course, made it so i couldn't fall asleep till about midnite last nite. mrph. so now, i'm feeling in need of a nap, but i'm not going to do that to myself again. alrighty then, now it be's lunch time, so i shall end now.
(grr, ok, once again, the clock is messed up! why it doesn't stay with the same time, i will never know. first it was an hour off, can't remember in which direction, then it was an hour off in the other direction, then it was half an hour slow, then like 20 minutes slow, now it's something like an hour and 10 minutes or so slow, it does not make sense..... so right now it is 12:18, so i'm not eating an insanely early lunch or anything.)

surgery

2007-01-26T09:49:00.000-05:00

i'm pasting this from my ShoutLife, i love that site! i have so much fun there, and have made many friends. anyway, here it is:
so...... i now have a date set. i go in for brain surgery on April 25th, 4 days after my b-day, but that's ok, i'm kinda thinking of it as a birthday gift, cuz i just want this to be over, don't want to be dealing with it any longer. i will be staying in the hospital for 3-5 days, but that's what they said last time and i was only there for 2...... but maybe that's just cuz i was so young, and now that i'm old :) it'll take longer. and then they say an estimated recovery time of 4-8 weeks. i'm personally hoping for more like 3..... and no one in my family can remember how long it took last time. but anyway, so there's that. something to look forward to and dread at the same time.

profile pic

2007-01-25T10:29:00.000-05:00

so i finally changed it...... and this time it's not all washed out from too much sun or flash..... darn it. oh well, so that's from when my fam went to get our picture taken, and we did a few individual shots, and that's one of me. obviously :) anyway, that's all for now. me is tired..... and have a million things to do, so i best get busy.

deep thoughts

2007-01-23T22:39:00.000-05:00

so i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and this is actually something i just posted in my blog on ShoutLife, i decided to be lazy and paste it in here too. just a warning..... it's very serious, not in my normal style of writing, but this is also "me", just another side of me, that i don't show as often.

i have been learning many lessons lately, but the biggest one is trust. even tho it's so hard to entrust the big things in our lives to God, we still know in a way, that we have to, there's nothing we can do about them, except trust God with them. but then, we feel all good about ourselves for "letting them go", as if we've done some big self-denial thing. but really, the hardest things to give up are the little things, the one's we hold onto so tightly, and hope God doesn't find out about them, cuz He might mess up our plans, He might not want what we want. those are the things we need to let go of the most. i've been learning how tightly i've been holding on to things, things i want, ideas in my head, all these little things that make me feel like i have some measure of control over things, when i really don't. i have been learning, very slowly, to let these things go, give them over to God. He has a plan for me, i don't know what it is, if it has anything to do with what i want, or think i want, but His plan is perfect. even if i don't see it now, whatever He has planned is what's best for me, he knows what He's doing. and yet, i'm still holding on to things, i don't want to find out if they're in God's plan for me or not, i just want to hang on to them. this is an ongoing process, one that will never be complete. once you finally give something over, you realize there's something else now in it's place. i am learning to trust God for something that i really want, but am turning it over to Him. if it's His will, He will make it happen, if not, He has something better planned, something that i could never even imagine. this is a growing time for me, and it's hard. the thing is, it will never become easy either, trust is always hard, giving over our "control", as if we really have any, is never going to be easy. this is something i would appreciate prayer about.

memories

2007-01-22T19:53:00.000-05:00

today was one of those days you spend remembering things from the past you hadn't really forgotten, but hadn't thought about for a long time. had some good laughs with my brother as we reminisced about our younger days...... remembering how evil we were to my grandma, hehehe! oh my word, gosh...... all the doggy kisses...... going to the beach with her, being told we weren't allowed to go deep in the water, so therefore, we would crouch down so it looked like the water was up to our necks and go calling out, Grandma Grandma, we're drowning! save us! remembering how she taught all of us how to tie our shoes, how there was some story that went along with it, something about a rabbit hole...... can't remember it at all now. then we talked about how we used to fight over the Land Before Time cups she had, how he always wanted Petry, but always ended up with Sara, and how Ducky was always and forever my favorite! oh man....... gosh, then we remembered how we have these "chocolate" spoons, that we got out of cocoa puffs boxes, that used to have the cuckoo bird thing on them, and he'd twirl down the spoon...... and trying to remember what this other spoon was that we'd fight over, we think it was some toy story spoon, and we both had a feeling it had something to do with the little green alien things, you know, the one's that go: i have been chosen, farewell my friends, i go to a better place. yeaahhhh, hahaha, gosh, and all those cups we used to have, the ones from pizza hut, and chucky cheese, hahahaha, and Captain America! and then these straws that would change colors when you drank something cold, then hot, then cold..... and these other straws that would whistle....... man..... all those memories...... wow, i haven't gone back and thought about all that in sooooo long. puts me in a rather strange mood, not sure how to describe it. it feels so weird to think about how things used to be like that, all the silly fun stuff we did, all the playgrounds, the zoos, the beaches, and then to think how i'm "grown up" (HA!) now.... esp. because of something my grandma was talking to my Dad about, but i tried very hard not to listen to them and talk with my Aunty instead, but i still caught some of it.
on another note, i learned something today! hahahahaha!!!!! so several times, there have been friends of mine who come into work holding a tie in their hands, and trying to find someone who knows how to tie one, they always come to me, begging me to tie their tie for them, and i always have to tell them that i don't know how to tie one........ but now i do!!!! i made Nathan show me, so now, everytime i feel the urge to wear a tie *cough cough*, there'll be nothing stopping me! hehe, ;-) actually, i have worn a tie before.... last April, when i spent a week in Wheaton, i was my sister's "date" to a banquet, and i 'stole' Nathan's three piece suit and a tie, that was awesome! i felt kinda stupid, but it was fun nontheless. ok, me needs to go to bed soon. nighties! (as usual, the clock here is messed up, so it's really about 1/4 after 9, not like 8, or whatever it says.)
OHO!!!! speaking of clocks! i know i know, i said i was going to bed, but now i have to write about this! i guess my little bro's clock had gotten unplugged at some point yesterday, and he fixed the time, but not the alarm, which means it was set at midnite....... and never changed.... he is one of those people who do not wake up.... like at all..... so midnite comes, and i wake up hearing an alarm in the next room, takes a long while for me to realize that it is not morning yet... no, it is midnite..... then why is an alarm ringing, and not stopping.... then i hear Nathan wake up, kinda, not fully yet, and start muttering, stop..... come on! stop! then he wakes up more fully, and goes ohhhhh! stop it! wake up! turn it off! come one! WAKE! UP!!!!! and finally, after several minutes, poor little Joely wakes up and turns it off. anyway, now i must go to bed.

life

2007-01-19T14:34:00.000-05:00

life is complicated........ and only gets more so the older you get. i was talking with my best friend earlier today, remembering how things used to be, the kinds of decisions we had to make then, compared to now, and thinking about how when we finish this school year, that's it, high school is over...... next is college, and at that point, we're on our own really, make our own decisions, kinda be our own bosses. it's crazy. things just keep getting crazier and weirder....... why is my life so crazy??? i still don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing that i can push things away so easily and not think about them, cuz i'd go crazy if i let myself think about some of this stuff. anyway, can't think about that all now. too much going on. so in all the rush of last week, and coming home and being immediately thrust back into the crazy schedule of work, school, and orchestra, i totally forgot about the fact that my sisters birthday is tomorrow.......... and that i have an audition at Uconn tomorrow........ now all of a sudden, i need to practice again! OH! and, i have a violin lesson tonite! this month is just a crazy month, my lessons are all at really random times. well darn it, now i have to go practice. i wanted to watch a movie with my sis, but that's gonna have to wait til later.

home, and insanely busy

2007-01-18T17:55:00.000-05:00

so i got home pretty much at midnite tuesday nite, which would mean really really early wed..... slept, woot! and got up in time to shower and leave for a 6 hour shift at work. came home to eat supper and left again for orchestra. then today, got up to shower again, left for another 6 hour shift at work, got home to eat, have like 45 minutes right now before leaving for yet another orchestra rehearsal........... i really haven't had time to just sit and relax at all since coming home! it's so crazy. gosh, and i have soooooo much going on in my head now. i just really need to kinda write about some of it, just as a relief, and as a way to figure out what i'm thinking, cuz that's just how i work. while i was at DePauw, one afternoon i totally filled 4 pages in my journal, thinking thru something that actually, the more i thought about it, the more upset it made me, which is why i'm trying not to think about it now. yeaaah. anyway, um, just got distracted with something, and don't remember what i was going to say....... well anyway, it's kinda weird at work now. people are starting to get on my case about something, and it's at the same time very sweet and cute, yet also a little annoying. it's kinda my business, and it's really sweet, but still, leave me alone guys. grrr, ha, i'm being very vague, i just realized that, but it's kinda slightly embarrassing, and i don't really want to just come out and say it. oh well. gosh darn it, there is just so much going on in my mind right now, and i can't really say any of it! rawr. there's something else that's bothering me too, but it's kindof a recurring thing, not anything new, i just can't figure it out, and i don't know when i will be able to, could take a long long time. and right now, i'm doing a lot of serious thinking about colleges, what exactly i'm looking for, and i'm having such a hard time. there seems to be an equal amount of pluses and minuses for the two schools i like the best. i'm trying so hard to be impartial, and i'm just getting more and more confused. i guess what's going to be one of the biggest deciding factor will be the financial aid, but oh my gosh, what if they both give me very similar amounts, what am i going to do? i guess i still have about two months to work on this, maybe things will get clearer by then. maybe. oh wow, i just thought of something....... it's just a thought, but if it's true...... hm, now i'm confused. meh, i need to stop thinking about this. haha, i have a theme song right now, but i'm saying what it is, so there! well, i have to get ready to leave for orchestra now. i should be home pretty much all day tomorrow, maybe i can write more then. sorry i'm such a vague person, esp. when i really wish i could be more open about things and just talk about them, i don't know why i close up so much. i just don't like being vulnerable i guess. ok, i gotta go.

heeheee!

2007-01-15T23:58:00.000-05:00

well this is fun! except i have a lot of trouble with this Mac.... never used one before.... so different! anyway, just a real quicky, going home tomorrow, wah. i have yet another blog like thing! hahahahahaha! yeah, i know, how many can i possibly have??? anyway, the URL is: www.shoutlife.com/evilness_of_Rach yay, fun stuff! anyway, at's all for now, i'll write a real update later, poo. when i'm home.

me is in de midwest!!!! (bah but it is windy out here!)

2007-01-12T20:11:00.000-05:00

lots of wind, lots of rain, lots of cold, and yet lots of fun! hehe, me has stolen the sister's lappy, muahahahaaaaa! she is ushering at a concert right now. i've been having fun. thursday was a crazy day. (that would be yesterday, now wouldn't it???? so weird, feels so long ago.) i went to bed shortly after 11 the nite before, bad i know..... and i didn't get to sleep until more like 11:30, and woke up at 5:30 in the morning, after a very fitful nite, ha, not that fun. didn't actually get up til 6, and did not eat breakfast.......... so bad. but gosh i love planes! it wasn't quite the same feeling this time as back last April when i flew for the first time. (at least in real life, i fly alllll the time in my dreams! hehehe!) this time i was with my Mom, it was different. i really like independence, it was awesome! it's just kinda different when i'm all by myself, somehow i'm more confident than when i'm with other people. anyway, i love flying!!!! gosh it's so much fun! i love the takeoff, how as the plane starts going down the runway, it gives this jerk as it starts going, and it goes fast right away, and just feels like it's pulling itself forward almost faster than it's really able to go. not like it's propelling itself, but pulling itself, and for a split second when it gets in the air, it feels like it will drop down again, yet it stays up, and there's this feeling that it can't possibly stay up, it has to fall down again, the whole time it's dragging itself higher and higher. oh my gosh and the views from way up there! i spent the first hour or so with my face pressed to the window! my Dad set it up so one of us would have the window seat going out, and the other coming back, and i had the hardest time in the world deciding whether i would rather see the views and the layers of clouds above and below me, or if i'd rather see all the lights from the cities at nite. finally decided on the the morning views, obviously. did you know they don't allow you to have water on the planes now? i knew about the whole sport drink thing, but i didn't know about water! so ridiculous! oh well. OH! guess what happened to us today? so we got a rental car so we can drive over to DePauw on Sunday and then back to the airport, and today, Mom was going to drive me over to the place she's staying, with a friend from church's mom, and we were going to hang out there for a while, and as we start driving, the car was bumping weirdly, and it got worse as we drove. i told her she should pull over, cuz it felt like the rear right tire was flat, and sure enough, it was! ha, so that was fun. we called the friend to ask if she could take me over to the conserv so i could practice before going to one of Sarah's studio things, otherwise i'd have to wait in the car doing nothing for up to two hours, or walk about 20 min. in the cold and rainyness. i'd prolly have done that too..... ha, and gotten lost...... we weren't on campus at that point, if we were, i'd know where to go cuz i know the campus pretty well, spent a week there back in April, think i already mentioned that tho...... i'm losing it.... i need sleep. my internal clock is so messed up right now! what with the crazyness of yesterday, then going to bed at what for me was 10:30, but here was 9:30, stupid time zone, messes everything up, lol. have no clue what time i woke up, cuz it took me like an hour to realize there was a clock just behind the pillow....... i'm so smart........ ehyah.... but anyway, i woke up sometime before 7, here time...... and couldn't sleep anymore, hadn't actually slept well all nite anyway, really really really strange dreams, a few disturbing ones, and one that actually made me cry, like i literally woke up crying....... but anyway, the rest of the day was good, and now i'm tired. i have no idea what time this will say i'm posting, cuz the clock on this site is so messed up. last time a posted, i checked the time, and this clock was 20 minutes behind, not half an hour, but 20 minutes..... which does not make sense. so right here it is 7:45, for the rest of you guys, it would be 8:45. and now i'm gonna go..... and..... er.... uh..... hm...... dunno.... do something...... i'll figure it out.

gooodbye new england!

2007-01-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

hehe, changed my song, thing is, you can't really understand what he's saying most of the time, but i like it anyway. ok, so, i finally remembered what i was going to say, actually, i wanted to write it a while ago, but kept forgetting it. i worked on New Years, that was the day we took down all the Christmas stuff, and can you guess what i noticed? it took me quite a while to realize it, but the entire candy section was pink and red....... and full of hearts! it was a week after Christmas, and they had already moved into Valentine's Day mode! do you know how sad that is? people get so hooked up on holidays, make them so big and put so much effort into them, esp. the ones that don't mean anything, or that they've twisted the meanings for. Christmas is such a huge deal, but for all the wrong reasons, Easter is pretty big too, but it's totally all about the easter bunny and candy now, nothing about the real meaning anymore. i used to think Valentine's Day was just always the way it's portrayed now, but a couple years ago i heard the real story behind the day, and it's really sad the way we've twisted it into what it is today. but what's really sad are the people who put sooo much effort into these holidays, it's like it's their life work to have the biggest parties, get all the merchandise, have the biggest displays, and just spend their whole lives on things that aren't worth it, and totally miss the real purpose of this life. just seeing people like this makes me heartsick and want to do something, if only i knew what. (i know i know, you guys don't often see me like this, i'm not all that serious on here ever. but i do have a very serious side, i guess i just don't let it come out very often.) well anyway..... must get ready for work, and do some more packing. ha! i just know it, somehow, i'll magically make everything fit in one suitcase to get out there, but then there's no way i'll be able to make it fit to come back. now why is that how it always works out??

leaving!!!!!

2007-01-09T13:03:00.000-05:00

ok you peoples! ah am leaving early thursday mornin! me is going to two colleges to audition, scary! don't know if i'll update tomorrow, prolly will, but don't know. an i might not get to update whilst i'm gone. we shall have to see. so now i've been accepted to two schools, both of em i'm not really interested in. but see, i'm accepted to the school, but i still have to go audition to be accepted to the music department. all my others schools, i audition, and based on that i get accepted. if i get accepted to the music department or conservatory or whatever, cuz they're all different, then i'm automatically accepted to the school. anyhow, tis going to be exciting! and terrifying...... hey, guess what? today, for the first time in a loooong time, it stayed below freezing! well that is.... until about now, it's about 40 out there, but that's still colder than it has been lately. darn it! i was so sure there was something i told myself last nite that i had to write about today, and i totally do not remember what it is. crap. mrph, no way i'm gonna think of it now. well, must get ready for work now. YAY! i love my Big Y, gonna miss it while i'm gone.....

pictures

2007-01-08T15:42:00.000-05:00

me has just added a few more pictures, of me lovely Sarah! no pics of me, i'm really not photogenic.... like atall. so yeah, that's all i wanted to say.

2007-01-08T09:48:00.000-05:00

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down/ and wiped our tears away,/ stepped in and saved the day./ But once again, I say amen/ and it's still raining/ as the thunder rolls/ I barely hear You whisper through the rain,/ "I'm with you"/ and as Your mercy falls/ I raise my hands and praise/ the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm/ and I will lift my hands/ for You are who You are/ no matter where I am/ and every tear I've cried/ You hold in your hand/ You never left my side/ and though my heart is torn/ I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind/ You heard my cry to You/ and raised me up again/ my strength is almost gone how can I carry on/ if I can't find You/ and as the thunder rolls/ I barely hear You whisper through the rain/ "I'm with you"/ and as Your mercy falls/ I raise my hands and praise/ the God who gives and takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm/ and I will lift my hands/ for You are who You are/ no matter where I am/ and every tear I've cried/ You hold in your hand/ You never left my side/ and though my heart is torn/ I will praise You in this storm
I lift my eyes unto the hills/ where does my help come from?/ My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth/ I lift my eyes unto the hills/ where does my help come from?/ My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
And I'll praise you in this storm/ and I will lift my hands/ for You are who You are/ no matter where I am/ and every tear I've cried/ You hold in your hand/ You never left my side/ and though my heart is torn/ I will praise You in this storm

crazy weather!

2007-01-06T18:18:00.000-05:00

so it is January....... and temps are still in the 50's! it actually got up to 60 today, it was insane! i'm not complaining, i hate the cold, but it kinda feels weird. i do want the snow, just not the cold that comes with it. it just doesn't feel like winter, and i can't make my mind comprehend that it's January already. anyhow, been watching some good movies. haha, watched North and South last nite, sooooo good! hehehehe, yeah, four hours long, so it was 11 when it was done...... bad, i was so tired today, but i didn't really care, there was no way i could only watch part of it, had to finish it! it put me in such a sappy mood tho. lol. i love those types of stories, Jane Austen and Elizabeth Gaskell, such good stuff. Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, Wives and Daughters, North and South, such good stuff! ha, i forgot about something i was gonna write about earlier, like last week. one morning, i was getting ready to leave for work, was wearing a white top, like we have to, and tan pants that were actually almost white, and Sarah sits up in bed, it was prolly like 10 in the morning, and she was just getting up, and she looks at me and goes, well don't you look just like an angel. and then, hahahaha! we BOTH started singing the Elvis song You Look Like An Angel, keeheeheeee! and then she opened her computer and found the song and played it! oh gosh i love it, you look like an angel/ walk like an angel/ talk like an angel/ but i got wise/ you're the devil in disguise/ oh yes you are/ the devil in disguise oh i love it! hehe, anyway, random. so i went to see a movie with a friend today, have not spent enough time with her recently, so it was fun, we saw Night at the Museum! oh it was so much fun! i loved it! aw but Dick Van Dyke is getting so old! it makes me so sad! we have most of the Dick Van Dyke show episodes, and have been watching them since before i can remember, and we used to watch the Diagnosis Murder show. and of course all the movies he's been in. oh oh oh! you'll never guess what i got today!!!! hahaha!!!!!!! oh dear, so i went into Claire's with my friend, and she found me these earings..... and they were flip flops!!!!!!! haaaaa! those are going to become like my favorite pair now! anyway..... just received my first acceptance letter in the mail today...... they said a lot of really nice things about my application, my essays, and my recommendations. plus i qualified for several different scholarship things. but it's not really one of the schools i really want to go to, it was more like a, i know i'd be accepted here, it's a good christian school, know several friends there, parents want me to apply, so i will. anyway, busy doing scholarship searches..... not fun. ha, but did you know that i'm eligible for several special scholarships just cuz i have epilepsy? kinda interesting. well anyway, i'm really hungry, must find some food. wonder why we haven't eaten yet..... weird..... guess everyone's too busy watching movies. Beautiful Mind, good movie! ok then, bye guys!

hmmmm

2007-01-03T14:44:00.000-05:00

so..... yesterday....... i spoke a little too soon about the stalker, for i saw him again yesterday, first time in a long time...... and it startled me so bad, and i was shaking he makes me that scared. i told Sean who was bagging a couple lanes over about him, and asked if he could take over my register if he came. i was hoping Jay had scared him enough that he wouldn't, but just in case.... he def looked at me a lot as he walked thru the store getting what he needed, but then, he went down to register 8, and i was on 3! YESSSSSSSS! thing is tho, he watched me the whole time he was in line there, creepy. and even tho he was closer to the door down that way, he walked back towards me so he could go past me, ew ew! at least he didn't go thru my line, and i'm soooo thankful to Jay now. yeah, so that was that. other thing i wanted to say, i am frustrated right now. my last seizure was last Tuesday, and i was good all week after that, and was getting so excited, when darn it all, i had one on Monday....... and then another one yesterday........ what is this????? why doesn't anything work? grrr. meh. really not cool. anyway...... watched a good movie today...... haaa, love it! good chick flick........ and just bought some music, i have too many somgs right now that relate to what i'm thinking and feeling right now, can't choose one..... want to put up some lyrics tho, so i need to choose one.
i'm awake in the afternoon/ i fell asleep in the living room/ and it's one of those moments/ when everything is so clear
before the truth goes back into hiding/ i want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding/ to work on finding something more than this fear
it takes so much out of me to pretend/ tell me now, tell me how to make amends
maybe, i need to see the daylight/ to leave behind this half-life/ don't you see i'm breaking down
lately, something here don't feel right/ this is just a half-life/ is there really no escape?/ no escape from time/ of any kind
i keep trying to understand/ this thing and that thing, my fellow man/ i guess i'll let you know/ when i figure it out
but i don't mind a few mysteries/ they can stay that way it's fine by me/ and you are another mystery i am missing

it be's 2oo7!!!

2007-01-02T10:52:00.000-05:00

wow, it feels kinda weird! 2007 always seemed a long way off, the year that everything happens..... graduate, senior recital, audition for college, go to college...... all that stuff...... this is scary guys. i can't believe i have auditions in less than 2 weeks!!!! oh gosh, i am going to die...... but really, i'm excited, i love travelling, cuz i never get to do it. this will be only my second time on a plane, first time was last April, went to Wheaton to spend a week with Sarah. haha, yeah, my first time on a plane and i went all by meself! it was kinda scary, but at the same time awesome. so how was everyone's Christmas and New Years? hope it was amazing. we had a lot of fun, even tho we didn't do all that much. meh, but now everyone's leaving again..... just think tho, next year, this will be me...... nooooooooo! heh, people at work are mad at me cuz i'm planning on going away to school, hahaha, midwest at that! no way i could still work, heh, can't exactly commute..... but at least on vacations. anyway, don't need to be thinking that far ahead right now. like the new music? Michael Buble, (supposed to be this little slashy line above that last "e" but this dumb puter don't have that option.... least not that i know of....) anyway, i really really like his stuff, can really relate to a lot of it, at least on the CD i have. (heehee, or more like stole from mah sis, haha!) hm, darn it, i was so sure i had specific things i wanted to write about when i finally got on here, but now i have absolutely no idea what they were. darn. oho! ok, so one of the things i was gonna write about was Eragon. as if it deserves to be written about..... went to see the movie with fam last week, me and Nathan were so disappointed! really, it was terrible, so totally left out everything important, and then everything else too..... it was so short, and choppy, and full of holes, it was awful. we went home and we had to get the book, haha, and the two of us sat down and started reading it together, hehe! anyway, also saw Chicken Run at youth group the other nite, forgot how much i love that movie! it's been a long time, had kinda forgot a lot of my favorite parts, so it was a lot of fun! love my youth group, haven't been able to go for a long time, now i'm really looking forward to the Bible Study, at least as much of it as i can make it to. grr...scholarship searching is no fun. and i've been on here too long, gots other stuff to do before work again. AH! forgot about work! ok, so, yesterday was awesome! had a shift from 4-9, and had not realized that we closed at 9 last nite cuz it was new Years, we usually close at 11, and since i'm not 18 yet, i'm not allowed to stay past 10, so i've never closed. anyway, that excited me tremendously when i found out i was closing! but anyway, the store was pretty empty and dead the whole time, so i got to wander away from my register quite a bit, straighten up magazine racks, collect green baskets and stack them, make sure there were enough at both entrances, clean registers, just stand around and talk, and then, haha, the most fun, help talk down all the garlands up front! oh we had so much fun with that! Ben, Will, and i, hahahaha! gosh, so Ben and Will were the ones to actually stand up on the registers and pull the tape off the ceiling where they were attached, cuz i couldn't reach high enough, but then i helped unwind them from the poles, and we played with the pieces that would break off. Will and i decorated ourselves with them, put pieces behind our ears, he put one in his tie, i made a necklace and wrapped one around my name badge, heehee, it was fun! but it felt so weird at about 8, when it was just the two of us left up front, and Brian all alone in the booth, and like, maybe 3 customers in the store, it was so dead. and then to walk thru the store when my shift was done and there being only Noah, Trisha, Will, Brian, Johnny, and me left in the entire store, it was weirdness. but fun! oh forgot, i never told you all what i found out about my stalker. so i have not seen him since the last time i wrote about him, that time that Nancy took over my register for me. well Jay told me last week that he had seen him shortly after that, and gave him quite a "talk" warning him to leave me be or there would be trouble, threatened him, and told him how he'd be watching for him, and he'd tell all these other people too, like Noah, and he hasn't been seen there since! oh i was so thankful! anyway, i'm really done this time, must go get some nourishment, me is hungry.......

shopping.........

2006-12-26T21:42:00.000-05:00

so we went shopping today, spending Christmas money from relatives, actually, we didn't go all together like usual, Nathan and Geoff went together earlier, cuz they were gonna go see TSO, sooooo jealous! then Mom, Sarah, Hannah, and i went later, and then Sarah met up wid her bf and they went to see TSO!!!!! but anyway, we went to the cutest place ever! this Evergreen Walks place, kinda like an outdoor mall! so adorable! music playing outside as you walk down the street to each shop, i just loved it! and i had Coldstone Creamery icecream for the first time, that was fun! anyway, we started off looking for a dress for Sarah, for her Junior recital, and i started looking at dresses just for fun, but when we went to the Buckland mall, i ended up finding a dress that i fell n love with, and actually bought! (heehee, actually, then Sarah fell in love with it too, and got one of her own! =) ) so now i have my very first dress! well....... ok, so i've had dresses before, but not since i was like, 10...... this is my first real real dress, and it is absolutely gorgeous! thing is..... i won't get to wear it for a while....... *bummed* cuz, i don't have like banquets or proms or formals or any of that stuff...... so i haveta wait til i have a senior recital. bah. but it makes me excited nonetheless. i'm gonna have to get a picture taken at some point.... maybe.... and put it up...... maybe...... hehehe! still don't like pictures of me tho....... yahrrr, but it's so gorgeous! maybe i'll take a pic of just the dress, bwuahaha! heeeeeee, that would be sooo funny! i should do that! haaaaa! well anyway, i should go to bed. i'm getting a cold, and the past two mornings have woken up with almost no voice, and it's like i lost the upper octave and gained a lower one, so everytime i'd laugh, all that wold come out would be this funny squeak, so therefore, Nathan would try to make me laugh as much as possible, meh. and i have a monstrous headache right now, prolly from being in noisy malls all day...... and, well, and, ha, yeah, because i had another seizure..... and i seem to get headaches after them....... can't wait till next week, get to increase the dosage on the new meds, that should help. ok, going to bed now, no one's online.... no one wants to talk with me.... poo....... people just aren't ever online when i am..... at least not that often. saddening....

2006-12-25T19:20:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-24T16:01:00.000-05:00

"it's the most wonderful time of the year!" me been having fun, absolutely love Christmas time, it's just amazing, even tho we still have not gotten any snow.... it just doesn't seem like it's really Christmas without snow.... but then again, i hate the cold, and am sooooo amazingly happy it's staying in the high 40's and even the 50's! so we had relatives over Friday and that was fun, but it was also the first time i can remember having them over here, we always go to my grandparents house. then yesterday was work, and even tho it was absolutely insane there, i had a ton of fun. Nancy let me wear my hat!!! absolutely everyone loved it, ALL my customers talked to me about it, it was such fun. the thing is, we're not really supposed to say "Christmas" at work, no rule against it, just we not really supposed to, it's kinda understood that we're supposed to say something about happy holiday, cuz you don't know what the customer celebrates, and that was hard to get used to, but whenever a customer would make it a point to tell me Merry Christmas, it made me so happy and i'd respond very enthusiastically with a Merry Christmas to you too!

ok, so, the thing i was going to write about yesterday, but didn't get a chance to use the computer, it's not actually perfectly true now. i was on a roll, hadn't had a seizure since last Sat., but i felt a little weird at one point Fri., but that was all, but darn it, everything got messed up yesterday, ruined my nice long streak, and i had one. not as bad as usual, but still..... grr. i used to have several a week, so it was really really nice to go a week without.

well anyway, Merry Christmas you guys! eat lots an lots of food.... and of course way more chocolate than you ever need, cuz that's what you're supposed to do, everybody knows that ;D

this town's always gonna think i'm a little crazy/ somebody's always gonna try to label me insane/ funny how i always seem to be the one who's crazy/ i just wanna live, i don't wanna fit/ if that makes me crazy, then i am

yes!

2006-12-21T21:28:00.000-05:00

ha! i am free! hahaha! finally got someone to take my shift for tomorrow. the problem is, we don't answer our phone, and it's really annoying. the phone rings allll day long, but people just don't like to leave messages, and i don't blame them! i don't either! alarm clocks, answer machines, and cameras = most evil things ever! but anyway, at least i got the shift filled, i guess my mom was expecting a call from someone else and actually picked up the phone, Monique had been calling me like all day. when i go in on saturday, i am totally going to bring in my wacky twisted santa hat and beg Nancy to let me wear it. she'd let me too, cuz she likes me. somehow, i've become like her favorite there, i really don't know how or why. she always smiles and says hi to me, always glad to see me, doesn't do that with many people. she let's me get away with things, like even when i'm supposed to be on register, she let's me turn off my light and run off to do a price check for someone, when really, a service clerk is supposed to do that and cashiers aren't allowed to leave their registers. and last nite, it was 1/4 of 7, when i was supposed to leave, and usually, i shut my light off 5 minutes before i'm supposed to leave, so i can finish the people in my line and clean my register. well anyway, 1/4 of, Nancy calls out to me to shut my light off, i glance at the clock on my register, stupid military time, will i never get used to it? almost shut my light off, but then call out to Nancy and say but i still have 15 minutes.... she says, i know, shut your light off, by the time you finish that order and clean up it will be 7. ha, yeah, it totally did not take me 15 minutes to finish and clean, more like 8..... so i went and bagged until my shift was done. thing is, she never tells anyone else to shut their lights off.... so why tell me.... it's kinda weird, but i'm not complaining..... it's just not a normal feeling for me. anyway, goodnite all, me is tired, and me is on a roll. just what it is i shall tell you.... on saturday, providing it keeps up. haha! take that! more elusive talk! i'm so bad, why do i always do that? this time tho, it's a good thing, not anything bad i don't want to say. (btw, the clock on this is never right...... and it keeps changing..... at least it seems that way..... no matter what time it says it is, it's really 10:00 right now, it's always behind.... but the amount by which it is varies.)

bah!

2006-12-21T15:04:00.000-05:00

this is not good, me is scheduled for work tomorrow..... but we're having relatives over for Christmas.... and i can't get anyone to respond to me about taking the shift.... i have two maybes.... but they won't call me back or answer their phones!!!! grawr. not good. and it's not like i can just drive myself over to Big Y and talk to people there...... darn it. mom's giving lessons, so she can't drive me, Sarah's watching Superman Returns.... LOVE that movie!!! she hasn't seen it yet, so i can't ask her to take me. this is just not good. poo. but anyway.... had a fun day at work yesterday, as usual. i wore these jingle bell earrings and had sooo much fun with them! made many people laugh, and it was great. boo, can't focus. time to resort to lyrics.... hahaha!
never let nobody know me/ never let nobody dare/ never let somebody hold me/ long enough for me to care/.....
never let my guard down easy/ never let myself let go/ i never knew the reason why/ i never let my feelings show/.....
i never let nobody touch me/ never let nobody try/ i never let somebody move me/ deep enough to make me cry/....
i was strong and independent/ i never needed anyone/ i thought i had it all together/.....
sometimes i wanna run/ sometimes i feel just like a fool/.....

once again i just can't get it straight/ wondering if wandering is my fate/ but don't lose hope in me quite yet/ cause help must be on the way, any day/....

updating for the sake of updating

2006-12-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

contrary to my nature, i don't really have anything to say right now. but i know, as soon as i find something to talk about, i'll get going and go forever, haha! so anyway... me is messed up right now, kinda. little confused about something, because i'm clueless, i really am. i just need help, meh. but i can't talk about that. i know i know, then why'd i even bring it up, ha, cuz i'm like that. and i've not been sleeping well..... and when i do, i have really weird dreams. ha, pretty similar dreams actually. i have a weird mind... but you all know that already! hehe! Ahhhhhhh! yess!!!!!!! finally found this overture i've been searching and searching for with no luck! it's a Rossini overture we're doing in NEMFA, on the music it says: Ouverture zur Oper „Die diebische Elster, and i could not find it anywhere! itunes didn't have anything that looked like that, nothing on the web had it except things in german that i can't understand anyway, and i couldn't find it translated in english anywhere, and then, wickipedia didn't even have it! i was going crazy!!!! i finally tried just individual words, and i found Elster, that is a Magpie! hahaha! so now i have found it, and bought it, and am listening to it right now, the Thieving Magpie Overture, and boy is it fun! i'm having trouble following along with my music and typing, poo. i'll have to follow along later and just listen right now. oh gosh i'm so tired, very glad my shift today is only four hours, i could not take a six hour one now. oh! i just found out that my boss is leaving in january, the one that started like in october, or maybe it was august. everyone hated her at first, she was called the witch behind her back, but i've grown to appreciate her more and more and i like her now, she really is nice and fun, you just have to get used to her. but anyway, she hates this store and doesn't want to work here anymore, and is leaving us. that's gonna make me sad.... but actually, when i think about it, i won't be working very much in jan. or feb. all my college visits will get in the way, darn it! i'll miss my Big Y!!!!!! AH, there is a headless..... armless... angel lying on this desk.... that was startling. aw, poor thing, it's broked..... haha, looks like the head was previously re-glued, and broke again. sad. it's one of the Willow Tree angels, if any of you know them, they're pretty interesting. absolutely no facial features at all, just this totally blank head, but it doesn't really look bad. anyway. haha, enough about the angel. oh my gosh, guess what we're having for Christmas dinner on friday when relatives come! we are having pizza! isn't that the craziest thing ever? i was like pizza?? for Christmas?? when my Grandma makes the most wonderful food, and we do a lot of cooking too, and we're having pizza??? at least on Christmas day we're having a turkey, which is good, cuz we did not have one for Thanksgiving, i was bummed about that. ok, anyway, i must go now, work to do.

ok, time to actually write about something

2006-12-18T15:07:00.000-05:00

alright, so i promised i'd write about it, so here goes. most of you know now, maybe all of you, i really don't know exactly who all reads this, but i have epilepsy, had an operation 8 years ago to remove a brain tumor that was causing me to have seizures, and was kept on meds for a while after to make sure it was under control, see, they couldn't get all the tumor then, the way it was and with the technology they had. well anyway, couple years and i was able to stop taking the meds cuz there was no change and i was fine. that is, until a couple years ago, i started having seizures again for no apparent reason, and had to go back on meds. thing is, they only worked for a little while this time, and then they just weren't controlling the seizures, and i was having them still, even when we upped the meds a lot. so then, to the present, we switched insurances recently, and had to get a new neurosurgeon and neurologist. the neurosurgeon is the one who has been finding everything out and giving us all the good information, and the neurologist is just stupid, really. see, even i know that my body just isn't responding to the meds anymore, i've just been on them too long, the neurosurgeon even said that, but the neurologist, whose job it is to know these things and take care of them, just doesn't seem to get it. see right now, i'm taking a very high dose of medication, like really high, i take, well, i took 1000 mg everyday, and he was like that's a really high dose, we really don't want to go any higher to try and control it, if we go any higher, there'd be a high risk of side effects........ let's go higher! and now i'm taking 1200 mg a day. i'm just like, what the heck! you just said it would be bad, we don't want to go there, and then turned around and said to go higher, you really just don't know what you're doing, what i need to do is switch meds, seriously. well anyway, my neurosurgeon had my Mom bring in all my old films, from back right after my surgery. that's when we finally found everything out. see, my tumor is such a slow growing tumor that when you compare the latest film to the one 6 months before or even a year before, you can't see any change, but when compared to 8 years ago, yeah..... it's a grown a lot. i have to have another surgery now, but the good thing is that in 8 years, technology has advanced quite a bit, and now they'll be able to remove all of it so this won't happen again. there's like this computer machine thing that helps in some way... not sure how, it's called the Symphony tho, so that's cool. and then, because of the type of tumor, there's almost no way they can get all of it, just because it has so many tiny tiny "fingers" spreading out, which is why they couldn't get it all last time, but with the new machine thing they can get even up to 99%, and then do radiation to get the rest. they had talked about doing radiation last time too, but at that point, technology was such that they'd have to radiate the whole head, now they can isolate specific regions and radiate just there, so now they can def get all of it. which is a very good prospect for me. anyway, that's actually not going to happen for a while, there's just no time to fit it in right now, i have a bunch of auditions coming up, and the way they're set up, there's not enough time between them to have surgery and recover before auditioning, so i have to wait till after those, but then March, after auditions, i have a retreat and NEMFA, so it would have to be after that, and then April 1st, (Palm Sunday, and i'm not joking!) is our Easter cantata, which like the Christmas one we just did, will be an original work by Mr. Shaw, and will be the premier performance, so i really want to do that too. ha, but i just found out that he would like to have two performances, and i don't know when the other is, so really, i might have to wait even longer, and still be recovering during my birthday! since it's going to be so long until then, my Mom talked with the neurologist, and convinced him to get me on a different medication, so right now i am beginning the long process of weaning off one and gradually increasing the other. well........... enough of that. the cantata was sooo much fun yesterday! i love singing it, and we had such a huge audience! the church was absolutely packed, we even had people up in the choir loft! i just loved it, course it wasn't perfect, but i enjoyed it so much! hahaha, you know what i just found out today........ hahahahahahahaha! oh gosh, a week from today is Christmas...... and i seriously did not realize it was that soon! sad, i know, but really, i'm a pretty clueless person, i really am. ok, well, i have practicing to do. and then i'm gonna watch a chick flick, hehehe! (seriously, you gotta love a good chick flick, really, and yes, every guy should see at least one! and no, it is not an oxymoron =P)

new song!

2006-12-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

heck yes!!!!! just listen to it guys! you could even scroll down and watch the vid, that choir is like, monstrous! this is now my all time favorite version of the Hallelujah Chorus, just sooooo incredibly fun! haha! so i'm having a good day so far. mom left the house at like, 7:45 and still is not back......... hehe, you know what that means HAHA! well, ok, so i have actually been working, but, yeah..... hehe, i also watched Batman Begins, love that movie! i just love all those superhero people, they're just amazing, Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Wolverine, all dem guys. MY SISTER IS COMING HOME TONITE!!!!! can. not. wait! but darn her, *pout*, she's going on a date wid her bf, so won't be home till really late..... i'm more important, gosh! haha, ok, not really...... and anyway, she'll be living with me, in my room, so i'll see her plenty. weekend's gonna be fun, dress rehearsal for the cantata tomorrow, we gonna have a pizza party afterward, funness! THEN, i gots the rest of the day to spend with my Sarah! and Sunday is the cantata, yesss! hope someone comes to that... other than all that...... so nemfa........ i didn't do so well with my audition... but it wasn't really all that bad, actually, and than my adjudicator was saying all these nice things about me, and she really liked it, so i was kinda hopeful, until i got my stuff in the mail the other day, and she marked me really really badly! i seriously only barely made it in! like, one point lower and i wouldn't be in it! at least i'm in, but i'm kinda mad at her. everyone in the world placed higher than me, and it's kinda depressing.... i mean, i know i did better than last year, i was 6th chair first, and i know i didn't deserve that then, my adjudicator was really nice and scored me higher than i deserved, but now i'm one of the last couple people....... grr. at least it's some good music, and we get to go to Boston. not like we get to see any of it, we'll be practicing. anyhow, just remembered! Eragon comes out in theatres tonite!!!! that's exciting! must go see that! have soo many friends that want to see it, should try to get a group together. but actually, that would be kinda hard to do, people are really busy this time of year. meh. well at least i can go with some family members, and maybe a couple others will be able to come too. long time ago, well... ok.... so maybe like a year ago, but hey, that can be a long time! me and a friend started planning how we would go together at midnite, opening nite, ha, not happening now. oh well. it's gonna be awesome! LOVE the books, can't wait for the third one, hope they did a good job with the movies. anyway, i'm really really hungry, and all my sentences are like really choppy for some reason.

let's write something...... but what.....

2006-12-13T15:12:00.000-05:00

life is annoying......... it really is. not going to talk about something yet, cuz i don't think my sis knows, and don't want her to find out by reading this, rather tell her. so i'll be open about it later, like the weekend, or later. other than that, this family is falling apart. literally. things finally exploded yesterday........ Nathan's determined to leave the house, and things are extremely tense. mom starts yelling at the littlest things, and starts ranting about how we don't appreciate her, and all the things she does for us.... and boy, i had the most lovely car ride to work..... *cough cough* but see, then i forgot all about it while i was there, i always have fun there, but then i had to get in the car again to get home.... ha. sometimes wish i could just stay at work, like all day. it was actually pretty quiet today. sad, sorta. haha, i got ribbed by a couple people about how i eat so very healthy on break don't i..... hahaha, yeah.... like chocolate... and more chocolate.... i'm gonna buy some lettuce next time, i seriously will! good healthy yummy stuff..... not filling, but good and healthy, so there! oh, haha, when i went on my break, talked for a second with a friend, who was standing in front of the bathrooms, but that fact did not click until i came back from break and he was still standing there, and then i noticed toilet paper in is hand, and was like wait..... hahaha, he was waiting to clean the ladies room, but every time one came out, another would go in, hehe, and he was stuck waiting, but then this little old lady came out, he looks around, big smile, cuz no other girls headed that way, asks her if anyone else was in there, there wasn't, so he runs in to clean it before another female came. anyway.... can't wait for the cantata Sunday... dress rehearsal Saturday should be fun, and there's gonna be pizza afterward, that's always good. ok, enough trying to make my mind focus on anything.

interesting day

2006-12-11T20:58:00.000-05:00

so, left the house at 9 this morning, and only came home in time to shower and leave again at 2:30, and then got in in time to leave again with my Mom for the store. i had a violin lesson this morning, and then i doctor appointment, which i do not really want to write about yet, don't want to think about it yet, because then i might break down. but i will have to soon, i promise i'll write about it as soon as i can. that took the longest of my day, then after i showered, i left for Emma's grandparent's house, where her grandma was having a little party for us, there was Emma, Leta, Carrie, and me, and it was amazing fun! i love them so much! such goooooood food! then when i came home, turned around and did some Christmas shopping, of which i still have a lot to do. anyway, this is really short, but i don't want to write more now.

audition.....

2006-12-09T20:45:00.000-05:00

just had my NEMFA audition today..... scary. but really, actually it wasn't that bad. oh it was so exciting tho! i get to the school, and of course the second i walk in the door i'm feeling lost, that's just how i get when i enter a school. but anyway, my Dad stops and goes, Gail! i stop, and look to my right, and there is Mrs. Reynolds sitting at a table there!!!! i was so amazingly excited! she had started saying hi to my Dad when she saw me and says, oh you are getting a hug! tells me how cute i looked, asked how i was doing, all that. i told her how sad i was she wasn't coming back to camp next year...... man i've missed her! at least i'll prolly see her at NEMFA. (if i get in) my audition wasn't as good as it could have been, but it wasn't too bad either i guess, my adjudicator liked it anyway. that's what counts, lol. yeah, after me and my little sis were done and leaving, we stopped to talk with Mrs. Reynolds again, and she asked what i had played, and when i told her Wieniawski's 2nd concerto, she goes oh bless you child, it's pretty much one big cadenza from the moment you start playing! oh i always hated Wieniaw- oops, i mean..... hahaha, i love her! anyway..... kinda dreading, but also can't wait to find out how i did. so yeah, that was today. not really anything happened, did some major cleaning of my room, like actually washing the walls....... it was crazy..... and practiced for tomorrow nite....... still cannot believe i'm singing....... oh gosh, just remembered, i have soooo much Christmas shopping to do! it's not such a simple thing now, i was looking forward to just going any time i wanted to basically, but now i can't, have to wait until my Mom can drive me, meh. i really miss driving myself, just that freedom. but anyway. had a good orchestra concert Friday nite, and now i'm really really looking forward to next semester, great music coming!!! and more friends joining, yay! wow, just found out, tomorrow is gonna be insane, church in the morning, come home to eat, then leave for my Dad's concert, this Acapella group he's in, then we'll stop somewhere to eat, and go to church again for the Christmas program..... so once i'm up, it's pretty much non-stop. well, got more stuff to do before going to bed, so i must get off. will write more interesting stuff later.

labels

2006-12-07T15:28:00.000-05:00

well, i was really really really really bored......... like seriously....... i've been on here for hours, nothing to do.... could go practice, should go practice, but haven't, and anyway, i just added labels to some of my more recent posts. i'll go thru the rest later and add more then. but anyway, don't know if they really matter or make a difference, but they're there all the same. haha, oh yeah, i also hid a bunch of posts back there, in case anyone ever goes back and wonders what happened to them. but yeah, anyway, 'ats all. i guess. meh, kinda confused a little about something right now, don't really know what's going on or what to do, and i hate being cryptic like this, and i know you guys don't like it, so i'll stop now.

wow!

2006-12-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

yesterday was insane........... ok, so in a way, it started on Tuesday, see, i was scheduled to be a service clerk for the last part of my shift, and it was seriously cold, therefore, i decided to buy some gloves whilst on my break, in case i went out to do carriages. got a friend to help me find where the heck we sold gloves....... in a grocery store....... finally found them tho. middle of the frozen foods, if you wanted to know =P so anyway, i didn't actually go do carriages, cuz apparently, girls aren't allowed to after dark, good thing i guess, but i was disappointed. but anyway, i had put my coat in the bag with my gloves, stupid, and when it was time to leave, i pull my coat out and put it on as i walk out the door, get home, and realize my gloves are no longer in the bag....... musta pulled out with my coat...... and were still at Big Y. errrrr. i went in early today to go to the courtesy booth and see if they maybe had my gloves. they actually did! so i walk thru the store to go put them in my locker, which i had previously visited to deposit my violin and backpack in, and stop to talk with the friend who had helped me find the gloves the nite before. well. the stupid stalker was in the store, didn't see me, but i saw him looking for me down at the registers, and i hid behind my friend, and told him about the guy. he let me know when he was gone, and then said, see, there was a reason you forgot your gloves, so you wouldn't be on register when he came! but anyway, i was so happy that i had missed him, thought i was all set for the day........ except he came in again during my last hour....... rawr! i asked the guy bagging for me if he knew how to cashier, he didn't, so i called Nancy (my boss) over, and told her about him, she asked where he was right now, in the store? i glanced behind me and saw him in my line! he seriously comes in to grab like two things, that he prolly doesn't need, so he can go thru my line! so i told her he was in my line right then, guy on the end, blue coat, so she tells me to leave and she'll cashier for me. i went from my register, number 1, all the way down to number 10 to bag! after a while, Austin, the guy bagging on my lane, came and told me i could come back now. Nancy said that guy was not too happy, just took the money out of her hand just like that. said if he ever comes back, let her know. she starts to walk away, then turns and leans toward me and whispers, "I'll kick his but!" Austin told me that as i walked away, his eyes were following me. *shudder* creep! like ten minutes later, Jay comes in to get a muffin, and Austin tells him about it, Jay asks, where is he? is he here? where is he? i'll beat him up, where does he live? i'll go smash his car, graffiti his lawn! i was like Jay, do you really think i'm gonna ask him where he lives....... but he made me feel better, but then he and Austin started teasing me and picking on me....... boys...... i don't really mind, but i pretend to be mad.... except i don't think they believe me. poo. haha, i was trying to convince Jeff that i had a bazooka in the case, not a violin, and he totally does not believe me, he's like, what are ya gonna do, music me to death? i'm like oh come on! you don't know, i could really have a gun in here, and no one knows, they don't even question me! he says, you don't really seem the type. i'm like, how do you know??? i could really be the horrible, festering, wicked person, and no one knows, you believe my nice face too easily! grr, but then he starts "making fun" of me, being all bouncy and laughing and smiling and like, heeheehee, i have a gun, heeheehee, lookit, i'm gonna shoot you, heeheeheee.......... rawr.... brat....... lol, i have too much fun, really, i love that place so much! but yeah, it was crazy, and then i went to orchestra, dress rehearsal for concert on Friday...... concert that is keeping me from going to Youth Group...... again. meh. but it's gonna be fun, some good music, three concerto winners, pretty insane stuff! ahahaha! i'm listening to Bryan Adams right now, had one of his songs earlier, but have just decided i really like him! AH! he did the songs on Spirit i did not know that! i always liked the music for the movie! must buy soundtrack now. HA! oops, totally forgot, quite a while back now, i was gonna start being organized......... when i updated....... make things easier for people to read..... well, that hasn't happened. ah well, i need to go now, stuff to do. can't wait for Christmas! getting closer!!!!!

tired......

2006-12-04T15:36:00.000-05:00

getting more sleep, which is good, but i'm still tired. so yesterday was this competition i do every year, this is like my 6th year doing it..... or something like that. i've never really like it..... the judges are very biased. but it's good i guess, good practice. anyway, this was my last year, and i guess my best year, just cuz there were a lot more people there i know. course the siblings who also competed, another friend who goes a lot, but this time, there were several people from Bach Academy, actually, two of them were from church, the other family i only know from B.A. they are sooo talented. i really don't mind being beaten by Sam, he's amazing, and i'm glad he gets to play with the orchestra and not me. so anyway...... we have a Christmas program being held at my church this Sunday nite, and......... i'm singing in it...... terrified........ haven't ever really sung in front of people before. then the next Sunday, oh gosh am i excited! next Sunday, the 17th, is the premiere performance of Mr. Shaw's Christmas Cantata!!!! so exciting!!!! man it's gonna be awesome! can't wait, it's really amazing. i'm going to invite sooo many people to it, i hope they come. ok, this is gonna have to be short, really have not been concentrating lately. one of the side effects of my meds is it makes me tired, and can affect my concentration. oho! like the new music! it gets annoying after a while, i'll have to change it again pretty soon.

pictures!

2006-12-02T19:26:00.000-05:00

i just added two more pictures (finally!) to my picture blog! woot! of course tho, they're of the kitties......... i love them sooo much! they're absolutely adorable! but anyway, don't really have time for a long drawn out post like i usually do. lol. i'll just say i had sooo much fun being a service clerk today, 'twas awesome! a little hectic tho. left here at 1/4 after 6 in the morning for the barn, worked as fast as i could so i could rush home (well actually, my Dad was doing the driving, mrph) and i took a shower in record time and dashed off to Big Y to work! man i love doing carriages, even tho it's hard work, it's very satisfactory, and i'm outside in the fresh air, away from all the noisy customers. oho! i'm getting rumors of snow coming soon! i'm having mixed feelings about that. of course, i love snow, but still......... it has to be cold for there to be snow...... and i hate the cold. it's been like 60 all week now! love love love it! don't want it to act like it's really December, want to keep the warmth forever and ever. poo. anyway, one really good thing about being service clerk today, my stupid stalker was leaving the building when he saw me start bagging for register one, so he came back in to go get a few items, grr, and of course, came to that register. but, haha! i was service clerk, so i left and went to another register to bag, so there! ha! stupid guy, really really seriously needs to leave me alone! darn it, wanted to find the music video for one of my favorite Christmas songs ever, but there isn't one! meh. man, i really wanted to put that on here! it's "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" best song ever! it was totally my favorite last year, and even tho my parents had just got me my new violin, they got me this crazy CD that had that song on it, and they got a hippopotamus! ok ok, fine, not a real one...... AH! grr, i said i was gonna make this short, so i must stop babbling now! byeeee!

wow did things get busy!

2006-12-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

so...... wasn't supposed to work today, but got a call yesterday from one of my supervisors, said a girl scheduled for today had been in a car accident, could i come work her shift for her? 6 hour shift....... love those........ ha, oh, and, it was on number 7........... my favorite. ehyah. no really tho, i had fun, i always do, i love that place. i'm just so happy when i'm there. (oh, for those of you wondering what is so bad about number 7, it's an express lane, i don't have the second belt to send the groceries down on, so i can't have a bagger help me, and i'm constantly busy, everybody always heads for the express lane.) but anyway, guess what i got!!!!! Josh, my supervisor who called, gave me a world class performance paper..... gold..... thing...... certificate..... thing...... hahaha, no idea what significance it has, but makes me happy anyway! oh but then, after he called me yesterday, i got a call from another guy who works there, asking me to please please take his shift for tomorrow. the crazy thing is, the shift starts at 11, and i don't usually get done with the barn work until then, but i was his last hope. so instead of leaving here at like 7:15 like usual, i'll leave at 6:15, and push myself faster, so i can rush home (father driving cuz i can't myself, grr) and shower so i don't smell of crap, and go to work. the exciting thing is, it's a service clerk shift!!!! i'm never a service clerk, always a cashier, it's gonna be fun! i just hope it's not pouring again.... won't be fun doing carriages in the rain. Matt was doing them today, and he got soaked to the knees, shirt absolutely drenched, shoes squeaking, it was aweful. but anyway. all those stupid applications are done and in......... i feel better...... but also not. cuz now i'm scared....... have to prepare for auditions. anyway. i been going to bed earlier, like a good girl, even earlier than 10:15, and it feels wonderful! only thing tho, most of the time between 9 and 11 is the best time to talk with people, online and phone. yahrrr! but i must stop now, watching Superman Returns, LOVE that movie!!!!!

doctors.......... stupid

2006-11-30T14:48:00.000-05:00

hate my doctor right now........... i guess it's for the best, but i'm not happy about it.... and i don't like him for it right now........ i'll cool off shortly, i always do. says i can't drive anymore....... have to be in bed by 10:15, increase my meds, maybe add onther med on top......... rrrrrrrrrr

soooooo much going on

2006-11-30T10:41:00.000-05:00

i have no idea where to even start. well...... kinda not sure what to do about something that i've been worrying about for a while. i know i'll have to do something at some point, but i'm kinda putting it off, cuz i don't know what to do. (ha, sorry, i know, i'm a very cryptic person. i should either come out and say what i mean, or not bother, cuz now you want to know what i mean, and i'm not saying, and now you're all frustrated........ hehe! =P) other than that....... this week has been insane! i had my violin on Tuesday instead of Monday like usual, so i left the house at 8:30 in the morning, after lesson went straight to work, then after work, i go outside, expecting to see my Dad sitting there waiting for me, and instead i see a friend from church whose kids take lessons from my Mom just pulling up. she tells me she's kidnapping me and to get in the car. i was like wha........ she says my Dad couldn't come get me and my Mom had met her at the door when she brought her kids for their lessons and asked if she could come get me. so she brought me home, i walk in and Mommy stops me and says she needs me to take her car and go get Daddy now. i was like what.... wait..... she says, oh she didn't tell you? no.......... Daddy got in an accident. wHaT???????? he's ok, he thinks, but the car is not. and she told me where he was, and i left to go get him. i was scared. she said he was ok, but i guess i didn't believe her at all. i turned my Christmas music up way loud as i drove to try and get my mind off it and cheer me up. i was expecting all kinds of flashing lights and stuff, even police officers keeping me from getting to him, just my overly dramatic mind i guess. but in actually, there was absolutely nothing there, Daddy was just standing out in the cold, by the road, all by himself. he had been there for an hour by the time i got there, he was freezing, and shaking, prolly at least partially from the shock still. but i still didn't get to go home, i had to stop by EO and pick up Nathan, which daddy would've done, but now i had to. (illegal!!!! hehe, i love breaking laws.........) then, i finally went home, but only to eat some supper and leave again! for a choir rehearsal, gosh this cantata is so cool! can't wait to perform it! you all, (well, those who can anyway) must come see/hear it! so that was Tuesday, now for yesterday. had work again, love work. ha, but oh my gosh! errrrrrrr! mean ol brat! hahahahahaha! well, someone knows how to tease me now, oh i was so *mad* at him! ha, did it so i'd be mad too. anyway....... stupid stalker........ came thru my line again....... waited for forever as usual, even when Naomi in front of me had an empty line, and called to him and said she could take him there, he just shakes his head and looks away. oh he makes me so uncomfortable! i'm really seriously getting scared of him! i was going to talk to Nancy, the head of the department, but she left, so i couldn't. i complained to a friend about how she left and i needed to talk with her, as i was getting ready to leave. he asks what i needed to see her for, told him i had a stupid stalker, who was starting to scare me, he says you can't fool around with something like that, and he calls Noah over, this great big guy, he's like the second in charge over the whole store, a big manager person, and he's really nice, but he can also be really scary i've heard. so i told him about the guy, and he was really nice, and said if he ever comes to my line again (ha! if, more like when) to call someone over and have them ring for me. problem is tho, it takes the supervisors soooo long to notice your light's blinking, they might not even be anywhere around, so it could very well be that the next time he comes, and i blink my light, i'd be done with him before someone came. and then, none of the other supervisors know about him, and i'd have to try and explain so they would help me. it's all so confusing and complicated. i just want a body guard to carry around with me...... wish i could take my big bro with me, he's such a hulky muscular figure, he'd scare him off! grr. seriously you guys, he does scare me! at first he seemed kinda nice, and it was just funny he happened to be in my line twice in one day, but now it's just really really disturbing and creepy, and i can't stand to see him! but i'm not working today, have a neurologist appointment to see what we can do, maybe change meds, so i got a friend to take my shift for me. and i don't have work the rest of this week. oh wow! just got next weeks schedule, only scheduled for two days, 10 hours total, that's kinda weird. well, i'm gonna go in today or tomorrow or sometime, and put in the book that i'm available, so anyone who needs someone to switch with can talk to me. oh yes!!! i get to be a service clerk for part of one of my shifts! awesome! anyway, i have done the very scary thing of sending in all my college apps......... and now am awaiting the auditions that will end my fate. terrified. ha, i have a competition coming this Sunday, been practicing so much for it, i might get to play my concerto with an orchestra, (just my hometown orch. no bigee, but still) but after practicing a while, i get so warm, have to remove some of the many layers i wear to try and keep my cold-blooded self warm, and my hand, my left hand, gets so warm, no, not warm, hot. it seriously radiates heat, you don't have to touch it to know it's hot, just hover above it and you will feel it. it gets sore, it's kinda tense right now, trying to relax it, but not really working. it's weird. ok, long enough, need to stop talking. such a bad habit..... i talk too much, i ramble, and it gets boring and annoying. i don't do it so much i guess when i'm actually taking with people, cuz i'm still rather self-conscious, altho i've really been getting better. ok, ok, shutting up now. can't believe you actually read all that.... or did you......? hahahaha!

YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-27T09:12:00.000-05:00

so i am loving the christmas music on the radio allll the time, but yesterday, oh my gosh, you will never believe what i heard! for you guys who know me long enough, you understand:

santa must be Polish/ he's jolly as can be/ riding on his sleigh/ with gifts for you and me/ santa must be Polish, all dressed in red and white/ slippin down the chimney while you're asleep at night/
(chorus half in Polish)
santa must be Polish/ he's such a merry man/ bringing lots of toys/ to every one he can/ one things he's demanding, and he wants it understood/ he'll only bring you presents if you've been very good/
(chorus half in Polish 2x)

the whole thing had this polka feel to it, it was awesome!!!!! Bobby Vinton did that song, but he chose not to disclose the lyrics, so i can't get them from anywhere, i really want the Polish one's in the chorus cuz i can't figure them out just by listening to them. mrph. but oh man, it made me so happy! i was going into Big Y to find someone to take a shift for me, and i'm bouncing and laughing and bubbly, humming this song to myself cuz it was playing as i pulled into the parking lot, and people were just like, what is wrong with you? well..... ok.... so maybe they're like that anyway...... hahaha! i can't help it, i really do love Big Y, i love working there, i love being there, i love the people, it's just awesome. oh gosh, i had four different people notice my socks, and it was always in this order; they would notice how colorful my toes were, and then the fact that i was wearing flip flops, and then, hahaha, the fact that they don't match! oh it was great! but anyway..... i really do love that place, it's basically the only social time i get, i mean like, the only other time i'm with people, would be on Sunday, and that's not really social time, that's a worship service and Sunday school, so i don't really get to do more than just "see" my friends. i need to go to Youth Group again......... can't go again this Sat. cuz it's a special thing, babysitting kids so parents can go Christmas shopping, and it starts at like 9:30 in the morning, and i'm usually at the barn until about 11. darn it. but i've allready asked for the day off at work for the next meeting, which i can not remember exactly when it is right now, but i've got it written down somewhere. anyway...... i'm in a really good mood right now, not exactly sure why, but that's ok. maybe it's just from thinking about yesterday, and listening to my Polish santa song right now, hehe! i'm too easily amused, haha, i should be practising right now..... meh..... my mind has blanked, i think i'll go and practice now, maybe write some more later. bye yall!

worried...... well, ok, i'll admit it, scared

2006-11-24T09:28:00.000-05:00

ok, so yesterday really wasn't so bad at all. i absolutely love my grandparents and my great aunt and my aunt and uncle and cousin. i wish my other cousin could've come, but he couldn't. but they really made things feel better, there was still a little tension at first, but they are all such jokesters things relaxed pretty quickly. but anyway...... so something happened in the middle of the day that scared me. and seriously, i don't really scare that easily, i tend to downplay things, and things may worry me, but i don't really get scared too often. maybe that's a weakness of mine, i don't know, but this does scare me....... and i just can't talk about it with people...... i don't know why, specially cuz most everyone who reads this knows already. well...... ok.... let me think..... everyone except one. that i know of anyway. my sister knows, duh, don't know if her bf reads, prolly not, but he prolly knows something about it, Datsrerdly knows at least a little, in any case, i've mentioned it a few times, another friend who reads, i've told her a few times...... so only one other doesn't know...... i think.... and i'm a wuss, so i've never talked about it, but i need to. if you know who you are, next time i talk with you, make me tell you, don't let me pass it over. but of course i'm not going to say anything on here about it... cuz that's the stupid way i am. but because of it, my parents have softened up toward me, which is good. i guess. grr. i actually need to finish up, i have like half an hour to eat something and get ready to go to work. working another 6 hour shift, which i don't really like, but this time it will (hopefully) not be as busy as the other two days i worked this week. oh yeah, forgot, the clock on my site is messed up, i don't know what time it says i'm posting this, it seems to change every time, but it's really just after 11, i work from 12-6, grr, need that time to practice....

whoooooo, oh gosh.......

2006-11-22T21:24:00.000-05:00

why is it, just when i'm getting really happy, things happen to make things bad? i've been getting along great, finally finding my place, actually having a social life, making friends, feeling like i fit in. and then things kinda crumble. course, i can't really talk much about it.... cuz that's just the way i am....... and it's personal.... family stuff. grr...... and my parents are yelling in the background...... and making me very upset..... they just spent forever "talking" with me about all the things they're not happy with me about, all the things they don't like about me, every thing i'm not perfect in, every single flaw i have, making me feel like dirt. they are considering making me quit my job, which i don't know how i'd live if that happened, my job is the only way i have of getting out of this house, staying sane, being with people, i don't think i'd live without it. they were also talking about not allowing me to use the phone too. seriously tho, not like i really do that much at all. i really don't. i'm lucky if i get to talk on the phone with some one once in a day, it's more like i only talk on the phone a couple times a week. and i don't want to give those few times up either. i really really really don't like when things get like this...... tension has been building up for so long, and it's bursting now, the day before Thanksgiving........ this is gonna be lovely........ i really don't see how tomorrow is going to be a pleasant day. i really hope i can just hide away somewhere with my cousin and my brother. you know what, i'm going to bed right now. i don't want to deal with this all, i just want to sleep thru it all and wake up when everyone's beyond it all. everything good and happy again as it should be......... ha, just used spell check, and it's kinda obvious how upset i am, basically every other word was messed up.

ha, busy........

2006-11-21T09:54:00.000-05:00

soooo much going on right now, it's crazy! i had to go out to West Hartford yesterday for my violin lesson, and then to a Doctor appointment in Hartford (hate doctors.............. ech) and then, hehe, i had a hair cut in the afternoon, and i'm having a lot of fun now! i also did some errands for my Mom. but now today is gonna be even busier, not really cuz i'm gonna be doing so much, it's just that i'm working a 6 hour shift, and considering it's two days before Thanksgiving, we are gonna be swamped, same tomorrow, it's gonna be crazy. i heard we're gonna have all 13 registers open, insane, and i guess they're just gonna go down the line giving 15 minute breaks in order of the registers, so it doesn't really matter when you get there, you could be there for only half and hour or so and get your break! but anyway, it'll be fun....... and crazy. haha, today, i'm gong to the post office, and i'm going to send a surprise package to a friend! i can't wait to find out her reaction! ohhhh man is she gonna love it! i love surprising people! i love sneaking up on people at work, it's so great! hahahaha, people at work are discovering how to tease me........ it's really fun! the other day, i was on break at the same time as a friend from another department, so when we both got up to leave, i straighten my chair, and i walk around the table, cuz i have to to get out of the room right, so i'm going around it anyway, so i fix the chairs as i pass them, make them straight (i don't know why, but this is where my Dad lost it when i was telling him this) and when i got to the other side of the table, my friend was just looking at me with this look that said, what is wrong with you, he couldn't believe what he was seeing i guess. i say it looks better now, and then notice a chair on the other side i hadn't gotten, it was before the point that i started fixing. i was going to just leave it, but it was bugging me, so i went around to fix it, and immediately, my friend jumps into action and messes up all the chairs and leaves! grrrrr! made me mad! well, ok, not really....... but that was mean! there are so many other stories from work, but i don't have time, and actually, they're prolly not very interesting to any of you, since you don't know the people. i need to get some work done now before i leave.

you've got a way with me/ somehow you got me to believe/ in everything that i could be/ i've gotta say.... you really got a way
you've got a way it seems/ you gave me faith to find my dreams/ you'll never know just what that means....
you've got a way with words/ you get me smiling even when it hurts..........
it's just the way you are

ouch

2006-11-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

hey guess what happened to me today guys! i got bit! grrrrrrr, stupid mean ol brat horse......... the one who always eats my hood, and my hair, and is just a trouble maker, he bit me, and it really hurts! even tho it was thru three layers, it's still really bruised now, and painful. ok this is creeping me out...... i'm like, seeing bits of the Matrix as i'm on here, and it's not making sense, and i'm getting really creeped..... ahhhhhhhhhh! i don't understand it! (yeah, for those of you wondering, i've never seen it before) oh my gosh, what the heck! i don't get it.......... meh. anyway. i had a fun day at work today, i love how people are getting to know me enough to tease me and mess around with me! it's awesome! oh dear, but i'm getting so incredibly freaked out! there's this customer at work who is seriously stalking me! he always comes thru my line, and one day, i'm serious, he came thru 4 times!!!! it's really getting creepy! my friend Matt was bagging for me today when the guy came thru, and after the next customer, i told Matt all about it, and how one time, i was just getting off on break, when i saw him, with only two items, looking for a line, and i was sooo happy i was on break! but, when i got back, the second my light was on again, a woman walks in, and immediately behind her is none other than that guy! with the same two items!!!! yeah, matt was like, that is seriously creepy! he told me that if that guy comes thru my line again and Matt is there, to just run away, and he'll ring him out for me. and he was dead serious. i was very thankful for that. other than that...... i got to use this really cool..... thing..... no idea what to call it...... that the produce people use to put the price stickers on the produce, it looks kinda like a gun...... sorta, you click the button, let go, then smack the sticker on, and repeat. i stopped to talk with a friend in produce and when he pulled that out and whizzed thru a box of mushrooms doing that, i was like what the heck is that????? he showed me slowly what to do, and then let me try it! soooo fun! what can i say, i'm easily amused. and i'm tired...... need to go sleep now...... bye yall!

soooo tired

2006-11-16T08:29:00.000-05:00

and bored. hate applications. really don't like parents saying, oh, well, you should apply here now, at the last minute. ech. anyway. you know, it's really funny what different people think about me. i like to just sit back and think about how many different views of me there are, just from the different sides of me people get to see. but what's really kinda funny, is how many people who really don't know me much at all, and not for very long either, say how very nice and sweet i am, one of the nicest people they know, and they don't even know me! like this guy at work, my best friend there's older brother, i was talking with him the other day, and their family is also large and homeschooled. when it finally came out that i was homeschooled too, he's like, aha! the truth comes out! i kinda thought you were, not sure why, but i wondered. i joked that i just have the look of a homeschooler, and he goes no, not really, it's just that you're nice, you're just nice. hahaha! i thought it was funny! 'specially cuz it was only like the second time i had talked with him. and then at orchestra last nite! haaaa, i have a very good friend who goes to orchestra now, and it makes me feel better for there to be someone i know. anyway, she had introduced me to a friend of hers back when we started, and i had talked with him a couple times maybe since then, but neither of us really knew the other's name, so a couple weeks ago, we made it a point to ask about the other person's name, and he just couldn't remember mine, so i told him if it was easier to remember, he could just call me evil. hehe! well last nite, during break, he asks, now what was that nickname you're called, meany or something, evil... i'm like yeah, evil. he's like, ok... why? i told him cuz i'm evil! he's like really.... well, ok, maybe not evil evil, but i'm evil..... in a nice way...... sorta..... but evil. he says no you're not, i know some really evil people, really mean people, and you gotta be one of the nicest people i know. haaaaaa, i think it's really amusing. ha, 'specially the way i can be "evil" to some people. you know, it's just really funny how many different ways people see me, like this really quiet shy girl, this "sweet" girl (HA!) funny, cute, crazy, wild, all that, it's really quite amusing! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! i gosh, wow, i'm in the wackiest mood right now! so i've run out of creative ideas, cuz every single online app. needs you to create a user name, and they call you that name in their emails to you, and file you under that name, so i usually try to do something that has to do with my name, but for the school i'm doing right now, there wasn't anything available that i could think of, so i finally just did "bwuahaha" and that is now my user name, and that is how they shall refer to me and file me as! oh dear..... and i'm laughing sooo hard, cuz i just got an email, addressed to bwuahahaha! oh this is awesome! heeeeee! ok, i need to finish this, cuz i have other work to do, and today, i actually have work work, like Big Y work! yesss! for some reason, they only scheduled me for Thu, Fri, and Sat this week, kinda weird. anyway, gotta go now! hope everyone's enjoying this... lovely....er, uh...... day, that is not...... raining. absolutely refuse to admit it, it's a gorgeous day out there! seriously!

2006-11-14T12:43:00.001-05:00

well, this is kinda sad....... i've been online like, allll morning, working, but i also had my AIM up, and only three others were signed on, but they were (and are) away...... yah yah, i know.... it's a school day...... but still, it makes me sad. *bwuahahaaaa, i'm on my secret name, hehehehe! but if someone came on, i'd sign off and get on one they know* anyway, yeaaah. i really don't have anything to say....... meh. i was going to change the music again, but couldn't find anything i wanted. i'll have to do a better search later. keeheeee! i'm talking with myself online! HA! i do that a lot actually....... heeee, yeah, my older bro was making fun of me for how much i talk to myself. haha, like he and my younger bro were heading to the gymn to work out and passed me on my way home from the barn, and they saw me talking to myself and they just won't let it go now! ok, i'm gonna go now. byeee!

haaaa, having too much fun

2006-11-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

gosh, well, some of you know that i have two AIM screennames........... well, because of a friend of mine, i made another one, just to be silly......... and then i decided to make yet another one, but absolutely no one is going to know what this one is! muahahaaaaa! so now i can like, spy...... or something...... hide...... haha! yeah, it's a lot of fun! only a few know about my second SN, and currently only one knows about my third, i'll tell maybe two or three others...... but no one's gonna know about the other! i am signed on that one right now, but no one else is online anyhow. well, my sister and her boyfriend are, they always are, but they're both away, as usual. anyway, i'm just having fun. that's all.

confused

2006-11-13T15:58:00.000-05:00

i'm confused. and can't say why or what about. darn. rats. well, not talking about that, my mom just got two new kittens yesterday!!!!!! we already have three cats and a dog, but she just got two more, and they are sooooooo cute! of course, she had to stop after my lesson today to get all kinds of stuff for them, and boy was that a mistake! i love animals sooo much, and i was falling in love with every single bird there and the hamsters and mice.......... ha, actually, yeah, i almost got a bird...... and still might for Christmas.......... i can't help it! i love animals....... thing is, if i get a bird, i won't be able to let cats in my room ever again. :( but i love my cats! i love how they come sleep with me in my bed....... darn it, but i want a bird! ok, this is gonna be a really short post i guess. hehe, ever since i got my picture blog, my posts have gotten really short..... hm, don't know if that's a good thing or not...

meh, all alone..... well, not really, but...

2006-11-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

well, me be's online, but then, no one else is on now...... rats. there are like, three others on line right now, but they've all been away for at least several hours, one since yesterday. poo. don't feel like putting more pictures up... don't really have many more left right now either, and not sure what to post either. i put up a new song tho. gosh i love Cars! wow this is weird. absolutely no train of thought right now. haha, it's all my brothers' faults, they are such brats! hahaha! gosh, they were being so evil to me. my Dad had to leave for a meeting, and my Mom was out somewhere, so it was just us kids eating lunch together, and they spent the whole time teasing me! i really don't mind as much as i put on i do. and they know it too. i just give them a good laugh, and they have sooo much fun doing it. ha, anyway, it's absolutely pouring right now, after a couple days of beautifulness, now it's nasty. maybe that's why i can't concentrate. well, part of why.... i know the other part. not saying tho. "behind the clouds/ the sun is shinin'/ believe me even though/ you can't quite make it out/ you may not see the silver linin'/ but there's a big blue sky waitin'/ right behind the clouds" ha, now i'm in a lyric mood, ok, can't help it, got this song stuck in mah head, so me is goin to put up ALL the lyrics to it! bwahaha! and that will prolly be all that i post today. here it be! "when you find yourself/ in some far off place/ and it causes you to rethink some things/ you start to sense that slowly/ you're becoming someone else/ and then you find yourself
when you make new friends in a brand new town/ and you start to think about settlin' down/ the things that would have been lost on you/ are now clear as a bell/ and you find yourself/ yeah that's when you find yourself
well you go through life/ so sure of where you’re headin'/ and you wind up lost/ and it's the best thing that could have happened/ cause sometimes when you lose your way/ it's really just as well/ because you find yourself/ yeah that’s when you find yourself
when you meet the one/ that you've been waitin' for/ and she's ("he's", hehe) everything that you want and more/ you look at her ("him")/ and you finally start/ to live for some one else/ and then you find yourself/ that’s when you find yourself
when we go through life/ so sure of where we're headin'/ and we wind up lost/ and it's the best thing that could have happened/ cause sometimes when you lose your way/ it's really just as well/ because you find yourself/ yeah that's when you find yourself"

internet restriction

2006-11-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

so then, my internet restrictiong has been lifted! for the time being at least. well, i can't get on til 8 in the morning, but who needs to be on any earlier? and i don't know, but i prolly can't stay on after 10 still. but my mom was getting really sick of asking me to get my work schedule and having me tell her that i couldn't, didn't have internet time till later, or asking me to do something else, and couldn't, cuz no internet, and i'd be at work during my allowed time. OHO! guess what guess what! i finally saw Cars yesterday!!!! oh gosh, i LOVE Mater! he is soooo awesome! i want like a stuffed doll of him, or pillow, or something........ love him! ok, going and doing more pictures now.....

pictures

2006-11-08T16:26:00.000-05:00

ok, just created a picture blog, and linked to it on the left. only one picture in it.......... hehehe! yeah..... of my feet........ i will add to it when i have time, and maybe find a better way to link to it, but this will have to do for now.

let's be organized......

2006-11-07T14:14:00.000-05:00

ok, so, trying something new. haha, i will attempt *ahem* to be organized, lol, in my writing. yah, sure =P so anyway, i guess that would make this like the introductory paragraph, or something....... and i guess i have to start another paragraph for anything else i say now. confusing..... i’m not a very organized person, we’ll see how long this lasts........
ok..... well, now this is really weird, i can’t do this! my train of thought is so random and everything is connected, i can’t separate like this! meh meh, errrrr, uh, ok, concentrate. hm, well, i have decided to start another blog, that i shall link to here, haven’t quite figured out how yet, but i’ve seen it done, and this blog shall just be pictures. my Dad finally showed me how to hook up my camera to the puter so now i can get my pictures on it, and now i shall put some of them up for others to see. haha, and now i have several pics to use as my profile pic, about time i changed it. thing is, the one i was going to use, my brother was looking thru my camera and when he came to that one, he goes Whew! look at this hotness! gosh Rachel, you look so sexy! and i guess he has a german project of making a family tree, and you need pictures of everyone, and he decided he really wanted that one, and had me print it for him. then he gets talking about how he’s gonna bring “this hotness” to school and then he says, oh but, none of the guys in German are cool, i don’t want them looking at your picture.... oh well, i’m still bring this hotness with me and people will be like, whoa, that’s your sister? anyway, that made me really self-conscious about the picture, and i still want to use it, but i’m kinda afraid to. rawr. in any case, when this is posted, i will have put a new picture up, what it is i shall decided later.
ok, new topic....... this feels weird. haha! oh dear, i just looked up, and each paragraph i have started with “ok” i need to stop that...... must find another word...... or maybe don’t use a word, just launch right into each random thing. anyway, must decide which of the many subjects i wish to talk about now. i shall talk about work. actually have two things to say abut work, but let’s do the funnier one first. so my boss has this thing about water, or any drink actually. she doesn’t think it’s good courtesy to the customers to see us drinking, so we’re “not allowed” to have drinks, but pretty much everyone does, we just hide them under our registers. well the other day, Nancy (my boss) caught me with my water, she goes, “what are you doing? you know you’re not supposed to have that, so get rid of it.” i did not drink any more the rest of my shift. but the next day, or nite actually, i dropped in to fixt my availability schedule, and saw Jay, and he started telling me how Nancy had been in a bad mood that day, she had yelled at him, and at a couple other people there. i told him about the water thing the previous day. that was Sat. so yesterday, Jay was doing the trash in the evening, gets to my register and goes Rachel! soda and water! you’re not supposed to have those, so i’ll just toss em out for you..... the soda wasn’t mine, someone had left it under there before, and i told him that, so he throws it away, and starts to take my water and i’m like no no! you can’t take that! it’s my water, i need it, give it back! he was just being a goof and gave it back. but then later, oh my gosh! hooooo, he is so mean! oh what a brat! hahahaha! so it was about 8 at nite, pretty quiet in the store, and after a customer left my line, Jay was down at the end bagging, and he goes, man, you do not pay attention. Nancy just walked behind you and took your water. i was like wHaT???? i look and it’s not there, so i’m spluttering and all like, but she didn’t but it’s my water she took it? no no, but but.... and so on, just random bursts of stuff. and he’s just like yeah, she just walked by and took it, she just tossed it out over at the booth. i looked over and she was standing over there. then i was like grrr, but my water is very important to me, oh my gosh, i can’t believe she took it. Jay had come around to where i was at that point, and he goes, well if your water is that important to you, *places my bottle down next to me* you should pay more attention to it. oh. my. gosh. you should’ve seen me! i couldn’t believe he had just done that to me! i mean, it was really funny, oh but it was so horrible! i’m basically dying of laughter thinking about it now. anyway, that was a seriously long paragraph. new topic now. not going to talk about the other work topic, i’ll do that some other day.
i was really thinking about not saying anything about this, but it’s upsetting me too much to not. except actually, i can’t really say anything about it. rawr. but something made me incredibly upset last nite. i can’t believe how upset i got, it was bad. it took a while to calm down enough to sleep. but darn it, i can’t talk about it on here. i can’t really talk to anyone about it, except maybe my brother, but even he wouldn’t totally understand or help. so anyway, i guess that was kinda a waste to even mention, except that it’s still really really upsetting me, when i let myself think about it. but you know the thing is, when there’s something you don’t want to think about, it seems like that is the one thing you can’t get out of your mind. rrrrrrrrr.
time to figure out what picture to use, and how to get a picture blog set up.

rain

2006-11-02T16:19:00.000-05:00

rain rain rainrainrainrainrain........... meh. ha, i’m listening to my rainy playlist, got 24 songs about rain in it, i prolly have more in my itunes i didn’t think of, and others on CD’s not yet in my library. i don’t like the rain. well, it depends i guess. sometimes i like it, but mostly it makes me feel kinda depressed. i guess it’s when i’m with other people that it’s not so bad. like at camp, it rained the whole week, but it wasn’t too bad, i still had fun. hahaha! and at the missions trip, oh gosh, we had sooo much fun! it was raining one morning, and the VBS team was pretty much all set, so most of us were sitting around waiting for the kids with nothing to do, so we’re like, let’s go out in the rain! so we run out, go in circles being crazy, and start dancing with each other in the rain! it was so awesome! and we started singing rain songs, like Raindrops Keep Fallin On My Head, and then of course, Singin in the Rain, and that got us started going thru all the songs in that movie, it was so great. oh man, we had so much fun in VBS, we were such a great group. randomly one morning, we started doing the Cotton Eyed Joe, and then we did the Macarena, and the chicken dance, just singing all the music while we danced, it was amazing! ha, but of course, people had to get out their cameras and tape us, but that’s ok i guess. man i miss youth group so much! i just knew it, there was no youth group last week, and i was not scheduled for work, this sat. however, there is youth group, and i’m scheduled for work, grawr. but i think i have someone who’ll work for me. i haven’t been to a meeting since sep. not cool. and i know i can’t go next sat. cuz it’s in the morning, raking leaves for an elderly lady, but i’ll be at the barn working. meh. but maybe i can go to the Leadership core meeting Friday nite, as long as i don’t have work, or if i do, find someone to take my shift. hope hope. haha! ok, so yesterday at work, it was the day after halloween ok, and they took down all the halloween stuff, and what do they do but put up Christmas stuff! really guys, what about Thanksgiving? seriously, what the heck. anyway, it was kinda a slow day, but at least my pretty much best friend there was working in the lane right in front of me, she’s so awesome. it’s funny how much we have in common. same age, both homeschooled, Christian, musicians, she sings and plays piano, going to be a music ed major, both have large families, live in the same town, and our sense of humor is so similar, it’s just awesome. i guess prolly the only really interesting thing that happened was when Jay came in limping, cuz he had shot himself in the leg with a nail gun. his main job is roofing, that’s what he does in the mornings. but anyway, don’t really understand the whole story, but he shot himself in the leg with his nail gun, the only part of the nail sticking out of his pants was the head, and he just grabs it and pulls it out......... OUCH! the thing is, these nails have mercury in them, so i was like, Jay, go to a hospital, why are you here at work, you should go to a hospital, now. but he didn’t, and i had to leave at that point for rehearsal. ha, got new music, insane. we’re doing this John Adams chairman dances......... impossible...... cannot play it. there is just no way you could ever count it. ha, but Howard was like, funny thing is, when we play it right, it actually won’t sound much different than it does right now. that’s, uh, hopeful..... yeah.... right. hehe, me and my stand partner, we were having fun together, making jokes about it, and our attempts to play it, and how this thing is called a dance, and we’re like, oh it’s so very... er... attractive...... oh yes, i’d def want to, er, dance to it....... ahem. you know what i just noticed, i’m typing this up in Word right now, and it automatically capitalized halloween, but not Thanksgiving, that’s just so wrong! i shall fix when i get to my blog this afternoon, shall uncap Halloween, and cap Thanksgiving. you know what, i miss my IM a lot. i really don’t get to use it at all anymore, just don’t have the time. used it once last week, but really don’t get enough time to go on it anymore. and i don’t have time to email as much either, altho i try to. maybe i should take up snail mail full time.......... HA! nope, can’t do that, i’m too impatient. but maybe i will send occasional letters to people, just to be fun. ahhhh, i feel so out of touch with everyone! not cool! but i have plans to get together with a couple different people, so that’ll be good, and hopefully youth group. i love people, just being around them makes me happy. like i walk into work and immediately i’m singing and talking to myself, all smiling and happy, it’s so funny, people used to look at me as if there was something wrong with me, now they just kinda smile and shake their heads as i pass. hahaha! wanna know something ridiculous? course you do! so we were having this huge sale and a bunch of items, 20 for $10, and you can mix and match items. so one of the items was tuna, and for some reason the barcode wasn’t scanning, and you had to manually enter in the whole number. so i did that last Friday with an order, 20 cans of that number, after the 5th or so, i had the number memorized. came back on Monday, and the cans still weren’t ringing in, and i actually still had the number memorized. then yesterday, the guy right behind me had the cans for the first time, and i told him, hahaha, you gotta enter in the barcode for every single can Brian! told him i memorized it, it’s 1889450860, haha! anyway, randomness. oh wow, gosh, long post, should stop now. don’t remember now if i even said anything worthwhile...... oh well, who cares. k, shall be done now.

soft and low the music moans/ i can't stop thinking about you/ thinking about you... / waiting and wondering about you....

2006-10-31T16:17:00.000-05:00

well then, so, been having rather strange mood swings lately. ha, like my last update, as you could prolly tell, i was kinda depressed. but then later i was laughing and goofy again. i think too much, i overanalyze and second guess and everything, and then i get all confused and messed up, and end up just kinda depressed. but anyway, wish sometimes i could make my mind shut up, it’s just annoying sometimes =) hehehe! so then, i played the Bach Preludio in church on Sunday, didn’t go as well as it could’ve, but i guess it was ok. the funny thing is tho, everyone was coming up to me afterward telling me how amazing it was, how well i played, talking to me about where was i looking for college, and of course i’m doing music aren’t i. and i guess it’s finally at the point where everyone who has watched me grow up are finally seeing that i’m not a crazy little wild thing anymore. (well........ *ahem* shut up! don’t say a word!) everyone was saying how much i’ve grown up, i look so old and mature now, they had to do a double take when they looked at me, or they put their glasses on to make sure it was me, stuff like that. it was kinda cool, but a little embarrassing. haha, usually, when people who’ve watched you grow up say how “big you look” or “so grown up” they mean more like, aw, so cute, and she’s getting bigger, aw, just look at her, still a little girl no matter what. that sort of thing, but now they’re talking to me like a real person, more like an adult, it’s awesome! but the scarey thing is, once i’m graduated and set for college, all these adults are gonna tell me to call em by their first name! i can’t do that! just, no, i can’t! but let’s not think too far ahead. ok. anhoo, what was i gonna say......... i think i had something else........ mind is total blank..... it usually is...... why does it do that, so annoying. grawr. meh. hm...... what has happened since my last post...... er, hm...... i had a pretty busy day yesterday, violin lesson in the morning, then work in the afternoon. don’t really have any stories tho. sadness. it was a fun day, work is always fun, but nothing that really stands out that i could talk about. which means i should stop rambling about nothingness now. haha, oh, ok, so, i think my Dad is starting to realize that i’m getting older, that i’m a girl, and that guys are noticing me now, and he doesn’t like it, and i think he’s kinda in denial about it. he doesn’t like having guys calling me, he’ll bring me the phone with that fatherly look that says, *sigh* i really don’t like this. and says to me, “Rachel, i don’t like all these guys calling you”, and “why are all these guys calling you” and stuff like that. i think it’s just hard on him, mostly cuz he’s still getting used to the fact that my sister has a boyfriend, and that she’s not going to be his much longer. and then to see that i’m not his little baby girl anymore, he doesn’t like that, and refuses to see it. ha, he has no idea what i’ve gone thru, and the fact that a lot of guys like me, and have asked me out. i don’t know what he’d say if he knew that. i think i will forever be his baby little girl in his mind. but oh well. i can’t really help that, considering everything that’s happened, i guess i’ll always be looked at in a different light than any of my siblings, in a more protective light. ok, enough o’ dat, need to stop rambling. ha, but i can’t, it’s too much a part of me, never stop rambling! ever! haha! gosh, i need sleep....... i’m going insane! ok not really..... but i still need sleep. wish i still had nap time....... that’s prolly the thing i miss the most about being young, having a nap time, altho i hated it then, funny how that works, in’nt it?

2006-10-29T15:23:00.000-05:00

hm, kinda upset right now......... feeling rather unsure, insecure..... scared...... i dunno. anyway..... invited a friend to church today, said he would come, but didn't, kinda disappointing. oh well. rawr, why am i in this mood? grr.
"well i can't ever really believe/ no one was sent to get me/
and i feel like i'm being erased/ no one got left here/ i'm all alone/ no one was sent to get me/ i'm all alone/ no one got left here/ but i'm fine/ no one got left here/ well i'm fine/ no one got left here"

"the wind is moving/ but i am standing still/ a life of pages/ waiting to be filled/ a heart that's hopeful/ a head that's full of dreams/ but this becoming/ is harder than it seems/ feels like i'm/
looking for a reason/ roaming thru the nite to find/ my place in this world/ my place in this world/ not a lot to lean on/ i need your light to help me find/ my place in this world/ my place in this world/
if there are millions/ down on their knees/ among the many/ can you still hear me/ hear me asking/ where do i belong/ is there a vision/ that i can call my own/ show me, i'm/
looking for a reason........

long day.... and not over yet

2006-10-28T16:33:00.000-04:00

today be's almost done.... sorta...... ok maybe not really, it's just been really long. it's been pouring all day, so nasty, and i had to work at the barn this morning, it was...... not fun. haha. i worse sooo many layers, three socks, two pairs of pants (heehee!) and i think five layers on top...... i lost count, don't remember. and yet i still got totally soaked. i guess the good thing is that it was about 57 degrees out, so at least i didn't freeze, there's always that. but anyway, really made the work hard, took an extra hour to get done, but i guess in a way it made me feel good, cuz i felt like i had really accomplished a lot, done some good work. oho! and then, today at Big Y, we had a special day for kids, the workers were all in costumes, and we did face painting, decorating cookies, games, crafts, and in-store trick or treating. i didn't work today, but my dad took my little bro, little sister, and me in. i had a blast! oh it was so fun! i currently have a turkey painted on my face, i've grown very attached to it, but will have to remove it before church tomorrow. meh. prolly the funniest thing that happened there was finally getting Jeff to have a steak painted on his face, it was awesome! anyway, i had a very good time. oh guess what! i'm so incredibly happy! i just found out that it's daylight saving ends today!!!!! that means...... an extra hour of sleep! boo-yah!!!!!!! oh man, can't wait! i have not been resting well, i sleep thru the whole nite just fine, fall asleep pretty much the second i lay down, and sleep all the way till my alarm, sometimes more....... hehe, but the sleep isn't really restful. i've been having weird dreams. i mean, i always have weird dreams, they never make sense at all, but i don't know, maybe they're worse now or something, or i just didn't have them for a while. maybe i'm just kinda stressed right now, nervous, doubtful, worried, that kinda stuff. anyway, just had a sit down with my parents, we set up the dates and some details for all my auditions. funnn...... er........ yah. anyway, kinda excited, but scared like heck. but i'll be fine. ok, must go practice some more, try to update tomorrow, that is, if i have anything to say. but then again, i update even when i have absolutely nothing to say....... so.... as long as i get the computer turned on, i shall write something about something tomorrow.......... yay.... haha!

a hundred days have made me older/ since the last time that i saw your pretty face/ ...../ but all the miles that separate/ disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

doctors sigh hate em

2006-10-27T16:22:00.000-04:00

so me be's at library again, just came from an opthomologist appointment. ech. doctors are stupid. they're all like, oooh, there's something wrong with you, i can just feel it! go see this person, and this person, and this specialist, and that dude over there, and....... yeah...... then they all say that i'm fine. what the heck! i mean, really, leave me alone, i'd rather like that. have had enough doctor experience in my life thank you very much. and i still don't like em, never will. poo, i have to leave, maybe i can get on at home and write more, but i doubt it, so this shall have to be my shortest post ever! wow!

funness is fun!

2006-10-25T10:43:00.000-04:00

hahaha! me had a good day yesterday! well, the day part was kinda dull.... and long, but then last nite i went to a recital at Uconn, the incredibly amazing cellist on faculty there, he makes me cry when he plays, so i had to go to it. and when i get there, i see sooo many people i knew there! now normally when i go to a concert there, or am in a concert there, i'm lucky if i see one or two people i know, but this time there were the Sundets, the Georges, the Woolfendens, the DeCaprios, the Palmieries, and the Colwells! so awesome! and of course, the concert was absolutely incredible! gosh i love Ginestera! anyway,the funny thing was, after ther concert, i had to stop at Big Y for a few things, and the Palmieries were going there too! it was just so funny to start going down a row and see them there! Santi was like, you! stalker! and this was like, 10:00, so there was basically no one else there at all, but i found out something pretty interesting. i found out there's this guy who's been stealing money from our companies since June, he's stolen something like $3,000 from us! he goes thru different stores, and i don't really know exactly how, but does something with bottle slips, and he initials them with a guys from our store's name, and he's hit us twice this weekend, but was caught last nite! or found out more like, they chased him across the parking lot, but he escaped. he was really mad, they were kinda afraid he'd come back so Jay walked me back out to my car, and then another lady too, pretending he was doing it just to help with her water. that's kinda freaky. i'm a little scared now. plus, i think he may've gone thru my line earlier, that would explain why my drawer was short the other day, and my supervisor had to give me a warning........ oooo. at least i'm not working today either, i'd be pretty scared.... but, i am working tomorrow, oh dear..... drat, and i don't think any of the guys i could count on saving me will be there. i'll be fine.... i'll bet they'll be on the lookout for him. otherwise, life is pretty boring. might get to go see a movie wid mah little sis on Sat. we'd go see Flicka, cuz the book was one of my absolute favorites, i read every single book that had anything at all to do with a horse when i was younger. but anyway, we might get to go see that, it would be really fun. we don't go see movies much. there actually isn't really anything good out right now, that's like the only one, and we don't know if it will be good either. but it's got Tim McGraw in it! haven't seen him in anything yet, will have to see how he does, wonder if they have him sing at all in it, that would be pretty cool. anyway, need to finish up now.

dix3yank (10:29:12 AM): hey, i've got another q for ya - know what "away" means?
zukukataxrenarka (10:29:27 AM): uh... er...... well.....
zukukataxrenarka (10:29:50 AM): some times people don't really mean "away" they just mean, hey, i like putting a little message up here cuz it looks cool
dix3yank (10:30:18 AM): uhuh..........yeah..........now am i the kind of person taht would do that!?!!?!?!?!
zukukataxrenarka (10:30:39 AM): well, that all depends now don't it
zukukataxrenarka (10:30:58 AM): i sometimes put up messages, but i'm really just doin junk on the puter anyway
dix3yank (10:30:59 AM): ha! so you don't know me as well as you thought! *evil grin*
zukukataxrenarka (10:31:36 AM): hey! i'm evil, ok? you can't have it, my name!
dix3yank (10:32:06 AM): ok.........zukudukamoku.........or whatever you are
dix3yank (10:32:45 AM): hey, i like that
zukukataxrenarka (10:32:50 AM): why, don't you know by now that i am commonly known as the evilness of Rach, or just evil for short
dix3yank (10:33:09 AM): RACH! sounds evilistic......German style
zukukataxrenarka (10:33:38 AM): i am German....... well... half...... ok, more like a third.....
dix3yank (10:33:41 AM): that's just flppnsweet!!!
zukukataxrenarka (10:33:47 AM): haha!
dix3yank (10:34:02 AM): yeah, i
dix3yank (10:34:09 AM): m your sister........far removed
zukukataxrenarka (10:34:37 AM): wait.... wait....... no no! you're not my sister! ech.... scarey! more like brother.... i hope.........
dix3yank (10:34:43 AM): that's how i get to claim this name of fame
dix3yank (10:34:52 AM): EVIL the Second!
dix3yank (10:35:27 AM): ok, see, you DON'T know who you're talkin' to *grin*

and i'm at the point of no return/ so afraid of getting burned/ but i wanna take a chance/ oh please/ give me a reason to believe.....

sleep.........

2006-10-24T14:28:00.000-04:00

do you know how amazingly wonderful it is to get 10+ hours of sleep in a nite? oh i feel so wonderful now! except now i have nothing more to say.... hm........ well, no work today, or tomorrow, going to a recital tonite, gonna be fun! you know what, i've been thinking lately, why is it that sometimes, i can put everything in the world in type, other times i can't put a single thing.... why is it that sometimes i can say so much on the phone, other times i can't........ why is it that in person sometimes i can say so much, and other times nothing? why am i such a complicated mess? it's weird, don't like it. at least last nite i finally opened up more at work, was really more myself and crazy, it was fun! people really do think im so quiet....... cuz i usually am there...... and everywhere else too i guess, i don't know why it's so hard for me to open up to people and let them see who i am. i thought i was getting better about that, but i feel like i'm closing in again, or something. stop it! grr. i need to go back to youth group, really hope i can go next week, BETTER not be scheduled for work! if i am, i will have to try my utmost to get a switch with someone. anyway. i'm actually allowed on the internet a lot today, cuz of work stuff i'm doing, so i'm posting this a lot earlier than usual. and i've been on AIM a lot, had an, er, interesting conversation with a good friend, such a brat! hahaha! no really, i have fun, here are a few bits so you can get an idea:
zukukataxrenarka (11:48:36 AM): brat......... lol
benofsherwood (11:48:43 AM): evil
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:08 AM): you know what, for some reason, people at work don't believe that i'm evil........
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:11 AM): hahaha
benofsherwood (11:49:26 AM): I should go in and tell them
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:47 AM): HA! that would be sooooo funny!
zukukataxrenarka (11:49:52 AM): oh dear......
benofsherwood (11:50:01 AM): what??
zukukataxrenarka (11:50:36 AM): just thinking if such a thing happened...... gosh, specially cuz several of the guys like.... um, like me, as in want to go out with me......
benofsherwood (11:50:53 AM): lol
benofsherwood (11:51:13 AM): why you??
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:21 AM): hey!
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:24 AM): hehehe
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:27 AM): well fine then
benofsherwood (11:51:39 AM): I will have to have a talk with them
zukukataxrenarka (11:51:49 AM): why........ about what..........
benofsherwood (11:52:02 AM): abotu how they should not go out with you
benofsherwood (11:52:09 AM): about**
zukukataxrenarka (11:52:24 AM): you know...... you........ grrrrr!
benofsherwood (11:52:34 AM): hehehe

zukukataxrenarka (12:12:48 PM): but i'm watching a movie.......
benofsherwood (12:13:00 PM): what movie??
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:07 PM): a Walk to Remember
benofsherwood (12:13:23 PM): that movie....uhg
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:31 PM): what!
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:38 PM): it makes me cry!
benofsherwood (12:13:46 PM): stupid movie to match your intelect
benofsherwood (12:13:48 PM): lol
benofsherwood (12:13:50 PM): jk
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:55 PM): YOOOUUUUUU!
zukukataxrenarka (12:13:59 PM): lol
benofsherwood (12:14:02 PM): evil

anyway, i need to go practice now, me shall write something more interesting later. or shall try to anyway.......

once again i just can't get it straight/ wondering if wandering is my fate/ but don't lose hope in me quite yet/ cause help must be on the way, any day

mind be not working.......

2006-10-19T16:18:00.000-04:00

well, was debating whether or not to update again today, but obviously i decided to. i’ve been having these weird mood swings today…… you know, sometimes i really hate being a girl. rawr. ha! but don’t know exactly what i’d rather be………. i mean, sure i love horses, but wouldn’t really wanna be one, of course everyone’s wanted to be a cat at some point in their lives, and then there’s always a squirrel, but wait! not just any squirrel, but a flying squirrel! yeah! i’ve always wanted to fly…… do it in my dreams allll the time, therefore, a bird of some kind……….. but anyway. can’t be anything else, sad. ah well. you know, maybe i just need the sun, it needs to come back, too gloomy out there, but i absolutely refuse to listen to my gloomy playlist or my rainy list, instead am listening to My playlist. in other words, they’re all songs that are kinda about me, sorta. haha! right now Keith Urban is playing with Where the Black Top Ends, love it! i’m gonna kick off my shoes and run in bare feet, where the grass and the dirt and the gravel all meet, goin back to the world, gonna visit old friends, and feed my soul, where the blacktop ends. so come on, give some fresh air give me that farm............ yeah! yay for barefeet! hoohooooo! and now for a punk song…….. anyway, for some reason i’m not really functioning right now, not really sure why, maybe i just need a sugar rush…. or something….. i need people…… haha! no matter how shy i am out there, there’s this part of me that needs to be with other people. specially people i know at least a little. i miss work, didn’t have work yesterday, and don’t today either, haveta wait til tomorrow. and grr! work is making it so i can’t go to youth group leadership core tomorrow, and i can’t go to youth group sat. either! meh. that means i won’t have gone to a single thing this month. you know, i’m writing in weird spurts here, and i’m not sure how much of it is making sense….. i hope i’m not coming off as like mad or grouchy or anything, i’m really not, i’m just kinda musing absentmindedly on random stuff. guess what i did this morning? i sent a letter! i never write letters anymore, email has taken over my life, but i miss letters. cept i was a lazy bum, typed it, *shh!* but i did add a personal touch to it…. heeheee! oh gosh, love Queen so much! i’m going slightly mad, i’m going slightly mad, it finally happened, it finally happened, i’m slightly maaaad......... oh yeah, well, we all knew there was something wrong with me..... haha! ok this is sad, usually i have a million trains of thought going at once, but right now i can’t latch onto anything to talk about, so wrong! ok, me gonna have some sugar, and maybe call someone..... just so you know, as usual now, me be’s typing this in a document and it’s about 2 in the afternoon now, i won’t get on the internet til 4, and anyway, the clock on my site is messed up somehow, it’s half an hour early, so whatever time it says i posted this, it was actually half an hour later. ok, me am going now. and will prolly not update tomorrow, unless i can get my internet time moved earlier.

2006-10-18T16:13:00.000-04:00

haha haha! i am having such a good day today! despite the gloomy rainyness outside. i don’t care! so today is my best friends birthday, and she lives like right behind Big Y, so i see her mom there allll the time. and yesterday, when she came in for a few things, i asked if i could come over today and surprise her. she told me the grandparents would be over for breakfast and i’d be welcome to join. i love her grandparents so much, i’ve basically grown up with them too, so they treat me like another granddaughter and everything, i love it! but anyway, so i drove over, parked, snuck up to the door and got inside unnoticed, but then her dad came poking his head over and discovered me, motioned for him to be silent, and snuck into the dining room where they were just starting to eat and totally surprised her! it was awesome! of course the food was amazing, breakfast food is the most wonderful thing in the world, believe me. then was the gift opening and the socializing for a while. oh dear! hahahaha! her dad had ordered something for her, but it was backordered, so she wouldn’t get it for a while, but it was on it’s way now, but oh my gosh! so funny! he ordered her this set of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, and it smells like DIRT! heeeeeee! wash and smell earthy, smell like a human……… oh man, now i want some! well…….. hm….. ok, so not really, but still……. that’s just the type of thing i’d love to use just to be wacky, but i just don’t think i’d feel clean if i smelled like dirt……. oh well. i’d do it just for laughs some time. but that was so fun. so that started off my day in a happy way. of course then i had to come home and do school work, blech. ha! but then, during lunch, i was a bum and watched Over the Hedge, LOVE that movie! i’ve said it before, but i’ll say it again, i’m a squirrel! i mean, seriously, i relate so well to Hammy, it’s ridiculous. hehehe! oh but then! like just about half an hour ago, (this is like 1:00 btw, conserving and typing up in Word doc so i can copy and paste when i get internet access) i got a package in the mail!!!!!!! it made me so happy! yay yay yay! heehee! and now i have this awesome hat on my head, wid a paw print in da front! haha! yeah DePauw! ha, i love hats. ha…… and then this awesome book, hm, but it keeps telling me how everyone there is so beautiful…… is it trying to warn non-beautiful people away……. and then the best part! i got a letter letter! like a real letter letter letter, as in came in the mail letter, with the package! yay! otherwise, pretty empty day ahead of me, oh wait….. nvm, orchestra tonite, forgot. but no work, and no work tomorrow either, kinda saddening. ah well, i’ll live. ok, i really must spend some quality time with my violin now, so i shall save this document and come on later to post it. byeee!

you don't know what you do to me/ you changed around the scenery/ and now everything is new to me/ but it looks just right, yeah it looks just right/ whoa, it's strange but it's beautiful/ yeah, and i know where i am
oh, i've never been here before/......./ never been tumblin', stumblin' over the words that get tangled inside of me/ i've never been moved this way/ nobody's ever made me say/ i'm ninety-nine point nine per cent sure i've never been here before

two days in a row!!!!!

2006-10-14T21:30:00.000-04:00

updating again! wow, things all of a sudden went weird and exploded. i can't really say on here, cuz it's not about me, but i'm kinda in the middle of something really really painful, and i want to help so badly, and don't know how, and i'm hurting too. rawr for growing up. anyway, really can't write about that all here. so moving on...... thinking of other things...... so me drove to the barn again this morning, and guess what? i had something new to do before i could drive, i had to use the defroster so i could actually see out the windshield! it was so cold this morning!!!!!!! i was wearing a shortsleeved shirt i had worn to bed, and a long sleeved shirt over that, and a thin sweater over that, and topped off with a thick sweater. i also had two pairs of socks on, but stupid stupid, did not think about my poor hands......... at least i made it thru the morning and still have all my fingers. oh! hahaha! so i guess one of the horses i thought hated me now likes me! he used to be such a pain, always kicked his stall walls, trying to eat my pitchfork, trying to escape, would step on my feet, and just anything annoying or obnoxious he could do. but today, i had to clean his stall with him in it, i usually move him to an empty one if i can, but didn't have that option today. he was still being frisky, but was actually being nice! let me pet him, nuzzled against me, and was being a real sweety, until he started eating my hood! haha, and then! i was kinda absent-mindedly stroking his nose and just standing there, and all of a sudden i feel this strange sensation in my hand and realized he had just closed his mouth around it!!! he wasn't biting, but had simply opened his mouth and closed around my hand and was holding it there, wet wet wet! anyway, mad that it's getting cold again...... can't stand the cold..... i've said many times before, but i'm really a cold blooded lizard. wish i could just migrate south for the winter or something. actually, for a while, i really really wanted to go to this college in Texas.......... but oh well, not anymore, have to settle with being cold forever.......

haha, at library!

2006-10-13T16:08:00.000-04:00

ha, so yah, me am at ze library, and as usual, after i'm done posting, i think of things i wanted to say. cept now most of them are leaving my mind again, NOOOOO! haha, so, totally random, cuz that's how my mind works, i keep forgetting to bring sunglasses with me every time i drive! i never used to think about it, but now that i'm driving a lot more, i've been realizing how very bright the sun is, and how hard it can be to see. and i would really like to have sunglasses with me, but alas, i forget, until i've driven for a few minutes. i should just attach them to myself somehow, and always have them with me forever! hahahahaha! yeah....... and then i'd break them. oh well. so driving! it's so much fun! first time i drove on my own was to the barn last week, and it was awesome! i was so awake, which i'm usually not, and i was talking to myself the whole way, and singing with the radio, it was amazing! i talk to myself (or with, hehe) every time i drive, and i apprechiate the radio even more with no one else in the car. i've also driven myself to work twice, and to a dentist appointment, ech. oho! but yesterday, when i went to work, i started at 10:30, and it was rainy and nasty when i left, so i put the headlights on, when i got there tho, it was all sunshiney and nice, so i totally forgot that i had em on, and i open the door to get out and this steady beep starts up and it scared me so bad! i closed the door again, and was totally like, ok, the keys are out, they are in my hand, car is off......... uh, radio is off..... everythng is off! it's in park........ what the heck! so i went thru everything and finally realized, oh....... right....... headlights. ha, but i guess it's a good thing, otherwise i would've come back to the car and had no batteries and wouldn't be able to get home, and my parents would murder me...... so yeah. that's that. trying to think........ i'm sure there was other stuff to say......... mind is totally not working with me today, and i really don't care! me be's happy........ anyway. ok, i haveta say, yay for phones! and i'll shut up and get off now. cuz at this point i'm really not saying anything, and won't be saying anything if i keep on typing. so long yall! till the next update, whenever that shall be......

long time no post

2006-10-13T13:26:00.000-04:00

well then......... i'm really tired, hehehe, but it's a good tired, and i'm hyper! haaaaaa! so good! so then, um... um.... need to make my mind concentrate..... you know what's annoying? when you have so many things to talk about, and they all get jumbled around and you're so busy, and you never have an outlet for talking about them, and when someone finally asks you just generally, what's going on, and your mind absolutely and totally blanks, and you can't think of a single thing. and then later every little thing in the world comes back to you......... grr! like last nite, my family went out to eat! we never do that! we're never all home, but we were, and we went out to Denny's together! all of us, even my older brother! we like never do anything with him, sure he lives with us, but we basically never see him, but he came with us! it was awesome, i love Denny's, cuz it serves breakfast food all day long! soooo awesome! ha, prolly the best part of the evening was when all the guys ganged up on my, both bros, and my dad! they tease me mercilessly! and most of the time, they know just what buttons to push, just how to get me, and i was in a good mood too, so things were getting ridiculous, i actually got them crying they were laughing so hard! it was so awesome! anyway, i only gots 10 more minutes online, so me be ending now.

when the truth is, i miss you/ yeah the truth is/ that i miss you so.

rats...... i can't think of a title.....

2006-09-24T20:48:00.000-04:00

felt like writing...... but somehow now i can't think of what to say..... ha, i may just resort to using song lyrics. so many songs that seem to say what i'm thinking and feeling right now. i feel like i'm such a mess right now, such a mish-mash of emotions in me, and they don't mix that well. i'm depressed, slightly angry, but guiltily so, feeling overwhelmed, scared, nervous, and yet, in the midst of all that, there's this hope in me, this excitement..... this strange happiness..... when i think about it i feel all my bubbleyness come back, and more...... i hope i'm not imagining it..... and in all that, somehow i'm still for the most part my weird crazy self..... don't know how that works. ah weel. haha, the prospect of using song lyrics is just too tempting, so 'ats enough o' dat, don't want to work at trying to figure myself out. at least not right now. so here ya go! here are some lyrics that at least somewhat capture what i'm feeling and thinking right now.
what's this life anyway/ what's it to you and me/ what's it to anyone/ who are we supposed to be/ make me a storybook/ write me away from here/ i need a different now
where we can wear each other for awhile/ i'll lend you my tears if i could borrow a smile/ i'll get through tomorrow somehow today/ happy after....

drowning in my loneliness/ how long must i hold my breath/ so much emptyness inside i could fill the deepest sea/ i reach to the sky as the moon looks on/................/ can you turn my black roses red?

oooh, at times i felt like i had lost myself/ cause people try to make you someone else/ i had to learn to trust my heart so/ things can change
i came to a point where i could speak my mind/ and not feel i'm living in a box and keep the girl i am concealed/ oooh i finally found the strength so i can leave that all behind
this is my time to shine/ this is my place to find all that i have inside i never knew/ this is my time to show/ what i must have always known that nothing's impossible/ and dreams come true

i used to think that i could not go on/ and life was nothing but an awful song/......../ i believe i can fly/ i believe i can touch the sky/ i think about it every night and day/ spread my wings and fly away/ i believe i can soar/ i see me running through that open door/ i believe i can fly

the road is long- it twists and turns/ but everything in life you live and learn/ no one ever said that life was easy or that all in love is fair...

why can't i breathe whenever i think about you/ why can't i speak whenever i talk about you/..... why can't i breathe whenever i think about you..........

i know i should be in bed........

2006-09-21T22:29:00.000-04:00

i just can't stop crying....... i can't understand it.... there was nothing wrong with him, why?????? yet again, the lyrics to Faith Hill's Somewhere Down the Road are going thru my mind. so, for all you who have absolutely no clue what i'm talking about.......... Professor Peter Sacco from Uconn had a brain aneurism last week.......... was in a coma on life support......... just found out last nite that they took him off............. and i can't stop crying. i loved Prof Sacco sooooo much, it was because of him and his camp last summer that i started really getting into my violin more and becoming serious about it. he was always so sweet to me, so thoughtful and helpful, he cared about everyone, but somehow there was kinda something special. and he specifically invited me to join his orchestra last year, and always had a smile for me, something kind to say, a hug to give............ actually the last time i got to see him was the first rehearsal this year, he was so happy to see me again and gave me this giant hug. then as we rehearse the second movement of the Dvorak, he randomly says that movement would be the death of him............. and half a week later he's in the hospital............... we worked that movement last nite................. a week and a half after it happened............. and i almost didn't make it thru, it was so mournful, it was like funeral music. i've never experienced this before, no i one i've known has ever died......... i mean, there's been a couple people i sorta knew who they were, sorta..... but nothing like this, and it's killing me. he was so wonderful. he couldn't have been even 60, he was healthy, why? i know all that it's in God's hands, He has a plan, there's a reason for it, all that, i know............. but i don't like it, i really really wish it could be some other way, just not like this........... i don't want him to be gone, it hurts......... so much. and now i shall go cry myself to sleep, for the second nite in a row.

YAHRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-19T10:30:00.000-04:00

Yahrrr! today be talk like a pahrett day.... and me am speakingg in a 'eavy brogue..... onliest way fer yous ta know is ter wraht it all wid really weird spellings.... so ah come off as seeming retarded........ or sumthin. er, yah..... no wait, yahrrr, hehehe! daw crap.... me mind is crumbling and ah cain't think o' nuthin ter be saying..... haaaa, cain't take this! ah just cain't keep up this pahrett thang..... rawr. well, ok, normalness again, yesss! soooo...... ha.... i been thinkin alot.... bout all kinds of stuff, if you can't tell by reading the total randomness of my posts.... gah! no! here i was actually about to write about something.... cuz i really feel i need to, and then i panicked and couldn't! grrrr, i haven't talked to anyone about this yet..... but i really want to.... but it's like if i do, then there's no hiding from it, like i kinda am right now, which is silly. it's just that this is one of the hardest things for me to talk about. with anyone. ha, and i'm still not talking about it......ergblah..... ok, so, it has to do with my Neurosurgeon appointment.... in a way it freed me.... cuz i had known.... but now it wasn't just me....... but..... it makes me kinda scared...... and i'm being totally vague, i know...... darn. ehehhh, i think i just need to talk with someone about it..... actually voice it all, and then in a way, i'll feel better, and will be able to talk about it more. i should shut up now.... lol. i shall end by putting up the lyrics for the song i've got on here.
"rows and flows of angel hair/ and ice cream castles in the air/ and feather canyons everywhere/ i've looked at clouds that way
but now they only block the sun/ they rain and snow on everyone/ so many things i would have done/ but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now/ from up and down, and still somehow/ it's cloud illusions i recall/ i really don't know clouds at all
moons and junes and ferris wheels/ the dizzy dancing way that you feel/ as every fairy tale comes real/ i've looked at love that way
but now it's just another show/ and you leave em laughing when you go/ and if you care, don't let them know/ don't give yourself away
i've looked at love from both sides now/ from give and take, and still somehow/ it's love's illusions i recall/ i really don't know love/ really don't know love at all
tears and fears and feeling proud/ to say "i love you" right out loud/ dreams and schemes and circus crowds/ i've looked at life that way/
oh but now old friends they're acting strange/ and they shake their heads/ and they tell me that i've changed/ well something's lost but something's gained/ in living everyday
i've looked at life from both sides now/ from win and lose and still somehow/ it's life's illusions i recall/ i really don't know life at all/ it's life's illusions i recall/ i really don't know life/ i really don't know life at all"

ah poo, y do we need these titles anyway?

2006-09-17T16:01:00.000-04:00

haaaaaaaa, me am tired........ i had an awesome weekend! see, being homeschooled, it's very hard to be with people. it's always been hard for me to just be with people, and talk with them, and make friends, cuz i never get chances to be with em. but things have been getting better. esp. since i started youth group. ha, but now, i'm so insanely busy! school, work, practicing, orchestras, youth group.... all that stuff. but this weekend, i was able to free up so i could spend the evening Friday and all day Saturday at the Greenier home with Sarah!!!!! it was so awesome! i love her, so glad i'm becoming good friends with her! the whole family is amazing, see usually, it's kinda hard for me to be with friends families, at least the first time i'm with them, but with them, i can be however the heck i want to be, just be my crazy evil self, and fit in just fine! anyway, it was awesome, i went on my first ever picnic! can you believe it? i'd never been on a picnic before!!! :O Sarah, Julia, and i went on a long bike ride and a picnic, so awesome! i love to bike, i just never ever do it. see, we don't live in the type of area where you can bike. i mean, there's our half mile street, which i used to bike on years ago, but i haven't in the longest time. "oh, oh, oh, for the longest time...." it was awesome, i loved it. i need to buy a bike before college, and i'm gonna get into riding more now! oh boy, ehh, my right eye is like, prickling.... or something...... and randomly watering.... it's really weird..... stop it! rawr! "i'm a craaaazy rabid squirrel!" hehehe! yah yah, i'm a squirrel. i mean, just watch Over the Hedge, and Hoodwinked, but esp. Over the Hedge, i am so def a squirrel! :P anyway, tired. need sleep, if you can't tell by my random babblings. heeeeee! but on a more serious note, i'm pretty confused right now, "why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?" eheh.... mrph..... i don't understand....... "why, why, why, does it go this way. why, why, why, and all i can say is, somewhere down the road, there'll be answers to the questions. somewhere down the road, though we cannot see it now. somewhere down the road, you will find mighty arms reaching for you. and they will have the answers, at the end of the road." meh. this is so weird. i thought i had finally figured things out, figured myself out, thought i knew what was going on, where things were going, but now... i dunno.... somehow i'm all confused. grrrrrrrr. i wish i could understand.... that someone would be my hero and explain everything, make it all better. "and then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on, and you cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive." rawr! this is frustrating! i don't like being so helpless.... and not understanding anything..... i can think of something that would make it all better, but who knows if ever....... meh. ha, yah..... as Ben would say, i need help. yah..... i really do..... why do i have to think so much? i need to learn to be patient and wait til things happen, wait til the right time and everything. "hold on, but don't hold too tight. let go, it's going to be alright, don't run away from what your heart is sayin. oh be strong, and face what you're afraid of. come on, show em what you're made of. i know it's hard when your hope is gone, but you've gotta keep holdin on." meh meh meh. ha, i shouldn't be listening to this playlist.... just feeding my mood, and getting totally depressed. not good. i need to stop writing and do something productive..... like practice......yeah...... cept i prolly won't.... i'll prolly sit here wishing someone would come online and talk with me..... cuz i'm not the brightest person. rats, ha, i know this is bad, i keep running myself into the dirt, and i know i shouldn't, and should stop, but i'm slightly depressed and can't.

so laaaaazy.............

2006-09-11T15:31:00.000-04:00

finally had violin lesson today, after a month without one. which means we drove out to West Hartford. i love long car rides....... mostly cuz i do basically zip during them, haha! i love to just sit and stare out the window. either at the clouds or license plates. oh gosh, were there some awesome clouds today or what! wow, clouds are a favorite past time of mine...er.... present time..... wait.... not past time.... cuz i still love em.... but you can say present time, or now time....... that's weird...... english is weird! as if you didn't know that already! lol anyway...... i LOVE clouds soooo much. it's like a life long ambition of mine to be able to paint clouds. i mean, i can sketch really well, i'm actually very good at drawing if i do say so.... but that's pencil..... clouds, you gotta paint. you need the bright blue, the thick puffy whiteness of the clouds, and then the hazy streaks of cloud several layers higher, and the layer of clouds kinda stretched out and spread in lumpiness somewhere in the middle, and then those little wisps of nothingness below em all, just floatin along....... oh i love clouds sooooo much!!!! and i always see shapes in them. like today, i saw a man in a bath tub! oh gosh, wait....... that sounds wrong...... i didn't mean it like that! shut up! hahahahahaha! it was just a cloud! i saw a baby laying on it's back, and one of those buggy things from Star Wars episode 2, and of course an airplane, those are easy to see, and a bunch of horses, more standards...... and of course, clown faces are like the easiest to see, that doesn't even count..... there were a few other objects i saw.... but can't think of em. anyway, that was rather pointless, but i love seeing the shapes in clouds. you should try it some day, just relax and look at those wonders of creation. how could anyone ever look at those and ever think that there isn't a God? i'm constantly amazed with clouds, i don't think i'll ever get enough of them. anyway. after my lesson we went to the music store, which is always a mistake, we spend the loooongest time there, looking at sooo much music, and ordering all kinds of stuff they don't have. i love it! the concerto i'm learning right now, i'm learning off of photo copies of my teachers music, but i need my own music, so we had to order that today, and boy was that funny! the poor guy at the counter! ok, so, the composer name sounds like "Ven-yahv-skee" and he had no idea how to spell it, so i had to spell it for him three times before he finally had it right! btw, it is Wieniawski, so cool! and yes, it's Polish! heeheeeeee! i got a ton of other music too, keep me busy. ha, yah, like i'm not already! speaking of, i have a lot to do still, mostly practicing.... so i'd better get to it!

well now, let's write some shall we?

2006-09-10T20:28:00.000-04:00

playin wid me options........ finally got a profile pic working...... and put some more info up. worst part about getting a new site, getting it all set up. i don't like figuring out new things, takes too long. i miss my xanga, poo. whenever i update on there, i think i'll copy it to here too. and i will update it, whenever i can go to the library or something. and besides, i still need to let people know i have this site. hehehe! i mean, i could email a few people, and i might do that, but i still want to put up a general post. well, anyhoo, me tired. still. and feeling bad, haven't been practicing...... someone needs to smack me. mleh. ha, sad thing is, prolly wouldn't make a difference. rawr, need more self control. actually, that would be good for a lot of things. hehehe, i need help, in a lot of ways....... as some of you know already, and have pointed out! :D oh well, i'm really not putting myself down really, i'm just foolin and being a goof. actually, being rather serious right now, i have a problem of not being serious enough. not saying i never am, i actually have been a lot more this year than i usually am, i just need to be even more. i tend to brush things aside, forget about them, reason them away. i need to be more considerate of others, i've been really trying this year, but really not enough. esp cuz for some reason, people like to talk to me about their problems, maybe just cuz i listen well, and don't talk too much. ha, even at work people are confiding in me about their crushes and asking advice, and do i think she likes him, how should he ask her this, how can you tell if a girl likes you, etc. anyway. yeah. that was totally unnecessary. heeeeee, my mind is working in strange ways right now, i was kinda just randomly typing all that, whilst at the same time kinda thinking with half my mind about something completely different. me is kinda happy bout something! but me not sayin anything...... cuz it bein personal... and maybe wrong too..... but hey, i can dream can't i? ok, shuting up now..... going to bed, like, soon. just so you know, for some reason i can't get the time stamp right on this thing, so it's really 1/4 after 9 right now, not whatever it says... prolly something like 4. the other two times i wrote it was like 10, even tho it said something after 4 too. ok, out.

ha, well..... s'pose i should write some

2006-09-09T21:55:00.000-04:00

don know why i'm writing right now.... no one even knows i have this. hehe, actually, i started a blog last year too, tried to get people to read it, but it ended up dying and i deleted it. but maybe people will actually read this un since i won't be updating my xanga that often. rats. stupid safe eyes. ah weel. thing is, i should actually tell people about this site........ so i don't come off as insane, just rambling nonsense to myself, which is basically what i'm doin now. gee, this is dumb. ha, who cares? mleh! ah can be as stupid as i want to, an there's nuttin anyone can do bout it! haaaaa, and i'm tired........ i should really go to bed..... stupid colds.... suck the energy right out.... except.... i've been strangely hyper all day. huh. hahaha! funny thing is, people at work haven't really seen me like that before! they all think i'm shy and quiet, but not anymore! gosh, you shoulda seen me! well.... not the computer.... i mean... you as in whenever the heck i get people to actually read this, and then it would be them you....... yah...... ok, *ahem* moving on. i was pretty crazy, you shoulda seen me stuff myself into this little cubby under the register where we keep the paper bags!!!! wow! eh, alright, i really should go sleep...... get back to normal... if there is such a thing for me........

blah-di-blah

2006-09-05T22:26:00.000-04:00

this is total nonsense for now.... real update pending................

this is the site of a music nerd, who is trying to get back into blogging

yay for updating!

i know i haven't updated in forever.....

snow!!!!!! (and silver pennies)

lyrics

more memories

random thoughts

surgery

profile pic

deep thoughts

memories

life

home, and insanely busy

heeheee!

me is in de midwest!!!! (bah but it is windy out here!)

gooodbye new england!

leaving!!!!!

pictures

crazy weather!

hmmmm

it be's 2oo7!!!

shopping.........

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes!

bah!

updating for the sake of updating

ok, time to actually write about something

new song!

let's write something...... but what.....

interesting day

audition.....

labels

wow!

tired......

pictures!

wow did things get busy!

doctors.......... stupid

soooooo much going on

YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

worried...... well, ok, i'll admit it, scared

whoooooo, oh gosh.......

ha, busy........

ouch

soooo tired

haaaa, having too much fun

confused

meh, all alone..... well, not really, but...

internet restriction

pictures

let's be organized......

rain

long day.... and not over yet

doctors *sigh* hate em

funness is fun!

sleep.........

mind be not working.......

two days in a row!!!!!

haha, at library!

long time no post

rats...... i can't think of a title.....

i know i should be in bed........

YAHRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ah poo, y do we need these titles anyway?

so laaaaazy.............

well now, let's write some shall we?

ha, well..... s'pose i should write some

blah-di-blah

doctors sigh hate em